AIBU to want a highflying career as well as being a Mum?

[ManhattanMama]

I've only been back at work for 2 weeks and am already having conflicts between work and homelife which I'm struggling to resolve. I work in investment banking, and before having DS (nearly 7 mths old), I used to work 8am - 6.30pm at a minimum, usually longer. Obviously I've already cut back on my hours, and am generally doing 8.30 to 5.30 which just about leaves me enough to time to dash to daycare to pick DS up before 6.30 (I have to take 2 trains to get there).

The problem I've got is that my job just isn't a predictable 9-5 kind of role - things happen which mean that I may have to start early or work late. I've been asked to take part in a Women in Banking mentoring program which means I'm committed to being at work late every Thursday for the next 6 weeks - I asked DH before agreeing whether he was happy for me to do it and he said yes but (surprise, surprise) - the first time I'm home late and he's in a real strop with me because he had to get all of DS's stuff ready for daycare and do the late night feed by himself. He was literally ignoring me this morning as he was so annoyed, so I had it out with him and he said "Now you're a mum you should be happy to just turn up and do the 9-5 then get home to be with our son, not spending time networking and trying to be the career woman".

AIBU or is this completely out of order? Why can I not have a career AND be a good mum? I've worked my rear end off to get to the position I have at the moment and I don't want to do a half-arsed job now just because I have a baby. Things aren't being helped by the fact that everytime I talk to my Mum she says "DS must be finding it so hard only seeing you for an hour a day" - she gave up work to have kids and thinks I should do the same.

What do you think? AIB selfish to want to keep working even though we can afford for me to stop? Career aside, I don't think I could cope with being home with DS all day - it's much harder than working!

Sorry it's so long...

sorry meant yaNbu!!

On the specific school bag point - sometimes they are as useless as their own obstinacy permits them to be. Which then requires an even steelier level of obstinacy on the part of the other parent. Which not everyone has the energy for at daycare age (due to lack of sleep, night feeds, etc.) but is more likely to have developed by school age.

It is, however (speaking for myself here) something of an Ongoing Campaign.

BB - I think a ratio of 3 carers to 7 babies that the OP gets in day care, would cover that requirement - provided the carers are not changing too often.

Yes sb, but if the day care closes at 6.30pm and both parents potentially have to work late quite often, then someone needs to either give up the late night work or they need to find someone who can cover those nights. It would be better if it was the same person the baby sees all day, if it can't be the mother or father. Otherwise one of the parents is going to have to compromise on their career to get to the baby at the same time every evening.

BB - I read it as only Thursday's being an issue when she needs her DH to do the pick up. Although, I can see with this kind of job why you make that point!

Manhattan.

YANBU. Not at all.

If your DS is happy in the daycare you have found him, then dont move him for the moment.

Is there an option of employing someone for a few hours each evening to collect/ start wind down routine for your DS?

lol @ the irony of being a Women in Banking mentor and having to spend six Thursday evenings doing it

YANBU. The only way you can combine a demanding career and motherhood is with great childcare. If your husband isn't willing to 'pick up the slack' you need an au pair / nanny.
I think your husband's comment is insulting, to be honest.

YANBU but i think you are just discovering the reality that faces many, many, many women.. i have recently been inwardly railing about this very issue, although i am on the other side of the fence having decided to be a SAHM, which i do love.. but feel sad it will take me years and years to get back to any position that i might have been in if i had carried on working.
Anyway, i agree with lots of others about getting a nanny - do you have friends with kids who have nannies? I am sure there are some wonderful hispanic/filipino nannies although i guess the unregistered bit is scary, they may be wonderful for your ds and your sanity!
All the best to you

If your high flying career pays enough, it should be fine. Get a nanny, pay a lot for good childcare. Or have family do it.

Is that what people mean when they say 'high-flying'? Big bucks? I think so.

If you mean high flying purely in the sense of ambition and being top of your tree, then you are being unrealistic, not unreasonable. It is extremely hard for two parents to be flying high when you do not earn big bucks and have to rely on cheaper childcare like nurseries and childminders.

You are not being unreasonable.

I have just left a career in investment banking because I felt I could not reconcile it with having a baby (DS now 11 months) so I fully understand the difficult position you are in. I was away from home 12 hours per day and just couldn't find childcare that I was comfortable with for that length of time. I have had a slight change of career direction into something that is far more child friendly (although less dynamic and certainly less well paid!)

That was my choice though and DP would have completely supported me in whichever decision I took.

Are you a mentor or being mentored? If you are a mentor then you are in a position of seniority and you should work 9-5 and change the culture. This programme needs to take place during working hours or this programme is not helping wormen at all and you should speak to HR about your concerns. If you work 9-5 then there is no problem?

It's rare that both of us would be unable to get to him by 6.30 - I guess it's possible that it'll happen sometime in the future (and we do have a back up if that were the case), but on a day to day basis if I can't make it then DH could. He only works 10 minutes away from daycare so TBH it would be easier if he'd do pickup everyday but I'm happy to share the load since he drops him off in the mornings.

As I said before, we have no room in our apartment for a live-in nanny - while our budget can stretch to nanny wages it can't currently stretch to a house move to a 3 bed Manhattan apartment (a 2 bed in our apt building costs 5500 dollars a month rent, god knows what a 3 bed would be).

I will definitely be providing DH with further training as to helping out with DS stuff!

What it comes down to is that I like more job more than I like staying at home playing with DS all day. If that makes me a Bad Mummy then so be it. I am doing my best to provide the best for my baby by sending him to childcare that will nurture him and the time I spend with him at the weekends and for a short time each day will be more precious than it would be if I were at home being cranky with him all day every day.

Yes, stick to daycare if it's working but employ a nanny to pick him up/take him home. Will make such a difference

maybe move somewhere with cheaper apartments??!
also you might find that once your ds is older and interacts with you more, you may feel more like staying at home with him PT. Although i had decided to be a SAHM i found 6 mo til he could walk/start talking very very tedious, but its loads more fun now.
But hey, you are living a very different life to me and i wish you all the best in it
do agree that if you are being a mentor you should REALLY try and change the culture for future generations of women and get them to run it during "work" hours..

I had 5 and always worked long unpredictable hours but I was not married to a sexist man. There was no question of me being responsbile for the children or hiring the nanny or getting home first. It was a joint enterprise. If in 1983 when we had our first it could be like that you would have thought by 2008 men might still have that that fairness within themselves. We never had a live in nanny. We had a live out one who came to the house each day. There are always people looking for work and they don't need a load of nanny qualifications just an ability to care and love for a child. It still meant we had to be home on time and I did leave work when I could reasonably early and their father was however the one home first by about 6 every day to let the nanny go home. If necessary she could stay late or we woudl have arranged other cover. It is also a much cheaper option in our situation - we ended up with 3 children under 4 and both of us working full time - cheaper than 3 nursery or day care places. My oldest 3 are all at college age now and so glad I carried on working and the twins are 9. It is very very possible and worth the struggles you're doing through. If you asked my 23 year old if she was glad I worked she would say so. They love the fact I work, my job, the lifestyle it's brought us, her horse, the big house, the skiing holidays, and not least my ability to fund at present the college education of 3 chidlren without loans. All that comes back to my working and perhaps also that their father wasn't sexist.

YANBU - but do think somewhere in your life something will have to 'give' a bit in order to fit your ds in.

Could be your career, your dh career (perhaps a careful blend of both), the time you and dh spend together, sleep, etc etc

Cause the evening course is just the start of it - there will be sick days, school plays, sports days and lots of little emergencies.

Sorry - don't mean to be negative but I've never met anybody who truely 'had it all' without some fairly major sacrifice somewhere. Which is not to say that it necessarily has to be your career for the chop.

I think if you both want a high flying career, you need a better back up system. Certainly no reason why your DH's career should automatically be more important than yours just because you are a mum. Loads of men doing pick up and drop off at DS's day nursery, and quite a few men doing pick up and drop off even now that he is at a part-time pre-school.

You will certainly find that if you are part of a 3+ person unit you will have to compromise somewhere,but women have brains as well as ovaries and using one shouldn't preclude the choice of how to use the other.

Pointydog - I couldn't think of the right word to use..."Highflying" doesn't really mean anything - "Professional" would - probably have been a better word to use. IT certainly doesn't mean big bucks - we're comfortable but not rolling in spare cash.

We could afford a nanny if that's the required solution but I'm happy with the daycare (the fact it's so much cheaper is an added bonus). I have nothing at all against Hispanic/Filipino workers - in fact all the carers at his daycare are Hispanic but they all have the qualifications and are fully registered nursery carers.

When we were quite a bit poorer - I was 22 when we had our first and just in my first job - it was hard work (three children under 4 whilst you both work full time and hardly have a penny to spare, clothes bought second hand etc) but I think having small children is very hard whether you work or don't and in my view it's harder if you stay home. You also have to look at the longer term future - how the children will benefit from your income and work over the years and the example you set them. I know couples who had a live in nanny except they eventually bought another flat down the road for her to live in and had a live in au pair too (and a big big family like mine) or at one stage when we often both worked on Saturday morning every week we had someone to help with teh twins on weekend mornings which was brilliant because it meant the other one of us could be taking the 3 teenagers elsewhere and yet the twins were at home not driven around on pointless car journeys. I would certainly recommend having children close together to get it all done. YOu could hire someone to collect the child a few days a week from the day care and bring them home and baby sit and then if you're free you can go home and have a bath or if you're both free that could be your night out each week and if you're working that could be the night you have that extra help. IF and it's always a huge if, if you can afford it. But most important point of all is never let children be a woman's responsiblity in a relationship and stamp out all sexism the second it appears.

You're not being unreasonable. You've got a husband who has turned out to be more traditional than you expected. In my opinion, you'd be better of with a nanny. Much better with your kind of hours.

IMO and IME the only way you can have a high-flying career and be a mum is if your job is flexible and you share childcare 50/50 with your partner.

I think also for all new fathers and mothers it's a question of getting used to things. I'm in year 23 of being a mother and getting school bags ready for next day or ensuring we have milk in a tidy house etc is secnd nature. Men are enabled and empowerd as fathers when on a regular basis they are responsible and dealing with the child., So if at least 1 - 2 nights a w4eek he is getting back to collect the child and babysitting his relationship will get better with the child, he will be more like a normal modern father (or indeed my father in the 1960s actually) and he will not be made to feel inadequate because he doesn't know how to deal with his own child. By encouragement, firmness - this is what has to happen etc and not tolerating the sexism you will both be better for it.

Symapthies to the OP - I know it is incredibly difficult getting a balance. My dd was not yet 4 months when I went back to work full time.

One great thing you have in your favour is that your baby loves his childcare. That is a great bonus, you would be in bits if you were unsure about it. It would be a pity to move him from there. However, you cannot go on with the stress of having to leave work at a certain time. There will be times when you simply cannot leave. So you need to possible find someone who can work a few evenings a week, so they can collect your baby from the nursery, take him home and start an evening routine, which will stop the mad and stressful dash across the city in order to collect him on time.

AND, in fact I should have put this one first as it is so important, your DH needs to step up with this one. The onus should NOT just be on you. DH needs to take it in turns to have responsibility to be home at a certain time as well. Yes, there is a teething period at the moment when everything is stressful - you have just gone back to work fgs - he shouldn't be taking it out on you. The baby belongs to both of you!!

Another very important thing. You may feel that it is very important to you to take part in the metntoring scheme, however you have just gone back to work very recently, it is unnecessary for you to overload yourself. I know it may be difficult to do so, and employers are bastards for piling on the pressure, but learn to say no. You have a very good reason not to be involved in this mentoring scheme at this particular time, you can always say that you will deinitely be involved the next time the mentoring scheme is run, I imagine it is a kind of rolling programme (I could be wrong of course).

And finally the best of luck. It will work out, it is just a bit of a shock going back to work with a small baby. I for one have not regretted it, dd is 12 now and she has not missed out by my going back to work when she was so young. I find myself agreeing with Xenia on a lot of these threads, she very often has some very good advice.