AIBU to want a highflying career as well as being a Mum?

[ManhattanMama]

I've only been back at work for 2 weeks and am already having conflicts between work and homelife which I'm struggling to resolve. I work in investment banking, and before having DS (nearly 7 mths old), I used to work 8am - 6.30pm at a minimum, usually longer. Obviously I've already cut back on my hours, and am generally doing 8.30 to 5.30 which just about leaves me enough to time to dash to daycare to pick DS up before 6.30 (I have to take 2 trains to get there).

The problem I've got is that my job just isn't a predictable 9-5 kind of role - things happen which mean that I may have to start early or work late. I've been asked to take part in a Women in Banking mentoring program which means I'm committed to being at work late every Thursday for the next 6 weeks - I asked DH before agreeing whether he was happy for me to do it and he said yes but (surprise, surprise) - the first time I'm home late and he's in a real strop with me because he had to get all of DS's stuff ready for daycare and do the late night feed by himself. He was literally ignoring me this morning as he was so annoyed, so I had it out with him and he said "Now you're a mum you should be happy to just turn up and do the 9-5 then get home to be with our son, not spending time networking and trying to be the career woman".

AIBU or is this completely out of order? Why can I not have a career AND be a good mum? I've worked my rear end off to get to the position I have at the moment and I don't want to do a half-arsed job now just because I have a baby. Things aren't being helped by the fact that everytime I talk to my Mum she says "DS must be finding it so hard only seeing you for an hour a day" - she gave up work to have kids and thinks I should do the same.

What do you think? AIB selfish to want to keep working even though we can afford for me to stop? Career aside, I don't think I could cope with being home with DS all day - it's much harder than working!

Sorry it's so long...

btw I think your mum's line is fairly standard for ladies of her generation- the world has changed a lot in this respect since we were little, and women now have the choice which is more that many women felt htey had in the 60s and 70s. If you want to work, you should, but you may have to carry out some tweaks to your career. Xenia is definitely the right person to get back to work advice from as she is a veteran.

Ooh, Barnstaple...link please? I missed it

I think you need to sit down with DP and discuss it, it doesn't sound as if he supports your full time return to work and is not going to do equal shares. If he is against your career and is not going to be supportive then there are only 2 choices, go part time or get a full time nanny.

with careful planning this is completely do-able.of course it is.with no nay-sayers predicted adverse affects required.

Nanny sounds the way to go. Your child will get a lot more attention, from another important person in their life. One-on-one time, love, and LESS STRESSED and HAPPY PARENTS.

There is something very outdated with your DH's attitude to your working hours. What about his? What's the problem if he has to put his child to bed???

I am cuurently a SAHM, think I will be for a couple of years. In that time looking into MBAs/diplomas etc.... and can fully anticipate that I will end up being the main breadwinner, and my DH will quit and be SAHdaddy. I think he loves the idea. But then, he recognises my strengths career-wise, and does not think it demasculates him to say that I might be more cut out for the business world than he is!

I do think it important that a child has a constant presence through their early years, whether that's the mother, the father, or a very trusted and loving nanny, is up to each individual family to decide.
(FWIW, I personally feel 5 full days in a nursery for a small infant does have its downsides)

Oh,and I forgot to say, I totally agree that being a SAHM is much much harder than working full time...its why I went back FT last time and intend to do the same this time around !

barbamama- did you pick your name with a view to leaving barbed comments? imo, and this is backed up by psychologists, what is important to a small child is the ability to bond fully with a few main carers. At this age, they do not mind whether their main daytime carer is their mother, father or Mr Blobby as long as they respond to their physical and emotional needs.

imho nurseries fail to deliver this more often than not, and a good nanny/ superlative child-minder (bearing in mind numbers) is a much better option for all round harmony.

You are not being unreasonable and it's not impossible but i would strongly advise you get a nanny. Your job is a potentially very attractive one to a nanny - one baby about to go through the developmentally interesting stages and (presumably) reasonably affluent parents who are not likely to begrudge money spent on toddler groups.

If you get a nanny then a lot of your practical/logistical issues fall away and you can get on with enjoying your careers and baby.

It's worked for me and many others.

Though I agree with considering a nanny, I'm wondering if MM in NYC has quite the same options available to her as we do in London?

MM, what are your options? Do you know other parents in similar situations to yours in Manhattan? What do they use?

I take my hat off to you MantattanMama! Im a full time working mum and struggle at the best of times.
You have every right to want a career, why should you. Just because you are now a mum doesnt mean you have to give up on the things you had before. However if i was in the position to give up work i would jump at the change as i really miss the time i dont get to spend with my DS.
I think you should speak to DH about how you feel, he needs to support your decisions and needs to give his fair share when it comes to your DS, it is his son after all!!
Good luck

It's a shame isn't it, when a successful career has to equate to long hours. Surely it should be possible to do well at work, and still get home in time to spend time with your children - and in my opinion this should be both parents not just mothers.

However, in the real world, I think one parent does have to agree to have the secondary career. It doesn't mean they can't have a career, or that they can't progress well - it's just for sanity you need to have an understanding of whose career takes priority at this time.

Both I and DH work, for the same company, at the same level. We have decided that his career takes precedence, and I have reduced my hours to have a day at home with DS, and I am usually the one to relieve our Nanny by 6pm.

I have also carefully chosen a role that allows me to work from home 2 or 3 of my 4 working days a week. Obviously this has impacted my career - but it's still ticking over and I plan to progress. I'm pretty lucky to be working for a fairly enlightened employer as far as policies go - but the culture is still too "long hours" for my liking!

Having a Nanny has been great for us, because it has meant our DS is at home, as are we , although working. However we can come indoors and see him whenever we want to take a quick break, and can see him playing in the garden etc. (We have office in the garden).

But I agree with other posters that it sounds like you are stretching yourself too thin - something needs to give..

Out of interest, is there a reason why you chose daycare rather than a nanny?

MrsWobble - I agree on your nanny advice for a mother in London.

But ManhattanMama is in NY where the nanny situation is different. All my NY girlfriends use daycare ASAP because the quality is so much better than the quality of the nannies.

interesting- did not know that

Hi ManhattanMama,

I too work in investment banking, but i have decided to have a live in nanny as i think the nursery journey to and fro plus all the prep would have done my head in. We were also certain we were going to have more than 1 so it was going to be cost effective eventually (we now have 2 DCs, 4 yrs and 2 yrs respectively).

I think YANBU, and yes, with careful planning, there shouldn't be ANY reason why you can't try to have it all. It used to bother me that some people think it's so materialistic that i would not forego a demanding but very well paid job to spend all my waking time with my DCs, but now it's just water off a duck's back. I love my job, invested loads of my time to be good at it, and yes i wish i could spend more time with our DCs, but i am convinced this is the best choice for all of us.

NOw a few days ago, DH, who also works in the City has been diagnosed with possible multiple sclerosis -- now everyone who has made snide remarks about me working FT is now thankful/grateful that i can support my family FULLY even if DH were to lose his job. I think being able to provide that support is a huge weight of my DH's mind.

SO, no, YANBU. But i think you should re-think childcare arrangements. I deal with profit warnings (which by definition, you don't know when it will happen) so a live-in nanny was far suitable for us.

Good luck!

Wow - I wasn't expecting so many replies so quickly - thanks so much for opinions/advice. Sorry I can't remember who said what, but I'll try and give a bit more information about our situation!

I didn't mean to make it sound like DH isn't at all involved in DS's life - he drops him off at daycare in the morning and plays lots with him at the weekends (until DS gets grumpy anyway when he's generally shoved in my direction). He's never really helped out with night feeds other than right at the very start while he was on paternity leave - he claims he doesn't hear DS crying (even though we have a monitor in our room and DS is only across the hall).

I have NO idea why he isn't capable of getting a bag ready for daycare - but then he asks me before he does anything to do with DS. His mum took 5 years off when he was little then went back to her career as a teacher (can't remember who asked that!).

We looked into nannies but I found it completely overwhelming to be honest - when we found his daycare I was delighted as there are only 7 children with 3 carers in the baby room so he gets lots of attention. He loves it there - big grins on his face as soon as he sees the door, and is always happy when I pick him up, so I have no second thoughts about sending him there. A nanny may well be more flexible for us timewise, so I'll bear it in mind if things don't settle down in a month or so. A lot of the nannies here are Hispanic/Filipino and aren't vetted at all, and the ones who do have any kind of qualification are extortionately expensive (4 times the cost of daycare). We don't have space to have a live-in nanny either (NY apartments are not big!).

As I said before - I have the utmost respect for SAHMs, it's just not something I could do. WFH with DS there wouldn't be an option as he's very high maintenance - needs constant stimulation and entertainment! Going part-time may be an option, but not one I could explore for a few months probably.

I think what really annoys me is the fact that DH doesn't believe in women giving up work when they have kids (since I didn't want to do so either this wasn't an issue for me) - but doesn't want me to do the best job I can, instead preferring for me to do the 9-5 half-baked thing.

i hadn't realised there was such a difference between London and NY - my NY colleagues who use childcare all have nannies - although admittedly it's a very small sample.

Of course you are not being unreasonable in wanting a career and a child.

I do it, as do many other people on here; the vast majority of them are very successful in what they do too

However, you need to have the full support of your DH, practically as well as emotionally. I think it sounds as if the child care you have in place is working okay for you - provided that your DH covers from you on a Thursday.

DH and I share the late nights, usually doing 1 late night each a week, 1 babysitter night, where we often work until 8pm ish and then go for dinner and then 2 nights when we are both home early. Although, that is obviously flexed if we both need to work late for a run of nights - although for us this is pretty rare.

If it helps at all, many of us with careers and children have been using this site for a very long time and have children that are older - and a more pleasant, rounded bunch of children it would be difficult to find - so all that juggling appears to have had no detrimental effect on them

I find that -on average - men are useless at preparing nursery bags/school bags etc. Dh still asks me where are the children's shoes. and he is a very involved dad.
For what is worth you have my support in having chosen a nursery, I find them better than nannies, or at least I trust them more

I find they are as useless as one permits them to be

DH packs both of the DC's school bags/sports bags etc every night and puts them in the car ready for the morning, while I cook dinner. I don't imagine that there is anything difficult involved.

Message withdrawn

Am loving the picture of the pleasant, rounded bunch of children ... am getting cottage loaf vibes.

MM, what scope does your dh have for realising he's been unfair? (Mine is occasionally unsatisfactory, but always redeems himself by acknowledging stuff in the end. A really nice bottle of wine at the end of the week tends to help )

Adapting to new babies, and then adapting further to work+home+daycare+baby, always takes time - but also needs the will to adapt. Whether your dh has that will is I think at the root of your issues.

Must be my dh then , brilliant at playing "french revolution" with the children but crap at school bag preparation. And I refuse to accept that it's my fault

LOL - perhaps it is just that given the choice of bag packing or cooking, he recognises where his skills lie

I think yabu, but I do think that you may need to rethink your childcare situation, if your job is frequently going to mean late nights - a live-in nanny would probably be a much better solution and if you both have high power careers then financially you should be able to contemplate that. Most studies do suggest that young babies fare better if they have consistent one-one care up until around the age of 2 or 3.