Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

[Milmilj]

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, moved in together and are thinking of starting a family. He's the one who has approached the topic of children and is desperate to start a family. Admittedly I’ve felt I would rather wait a little longer having just got a little promotion at work - plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.

He has an interview for a job that will require him to travel abroad from time to time. At the moment we are unsure how often it will be but I can’t help but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion - especially when he is the one talking about babies. In his current job, he works away 3 days a month and he isn’t very passionate about it. I have to travel nearly an hour to work from home every day, so I just worry about the logistics of managing bringing up young children in an environment like this.

I guess I am asking: how has it worked out for others? I feel awful to ask, but is my partner being selfish? Am I being selfish? For the most part he will be working from home. I don't want to risk my own career… what if a child is ill when he’s away? Both of our parents still work and I wouldn’t want to assume the responsibility on them.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview. I feel selfish for raising my concerns when it’s a job he clearly wants. But at the same time, I want the father of my children to be involved in raising them. I’m worried that while he is away I will struggle single parenting. We live in the middle of nowhere so help isn't just around the corner. Am I being too negative?

Thanks all.

He doesn’t want to marry because of fear of losing assets that he’s worked for all his life. He is applying for a travel job but it is actually a pay cut to what he is earning now.

I have no assets but I have a decent wage (£50,000).

So he doesn't trust you? And he wants to have a baby while also taking a pay cut? How exactly does he see this working out?

You still haven't said how finances work currently? What sort of maternity benefits do you get? Are you even able to afford a baby if your maternity benefits are poor and he's taking a pay cut?

So why would he lose assets when married unless he doesn’t see it having a future ?
Even before marriage our earnings were fully shared.

Having children with this man without being married is going to leave you very vulnerable.
If he loves you enough to have children then he needs to realise that you are going to be joined financially too.

You won't be entitled to those assets until you've had a long marriage (starting from 5 years) and you will have had at least one child by that time. Hes talking bs. Run.

He won’t marry you because he doesn’t trust you. That’s what he’s said. So why should you trust that he will support you? Why does he not want to share his assets with you? You’re good enough to have his baby but not good enough to share his financial stability?

I know you’ve been in an abusive relationship before. Please please don’t fall in to the trap of thinking everything is fine because it’s not as bad as your previous relationship.

It's legal protection not transactional. He is manipulating you.

You’ll never have any assets then? He’s then preventing you from ever gaining/ sharing assets.. whilst you financially suffer via maternity pay/ loss of earnings/ lower future career potential (every woman’s career takes a hit after kids somewhere along the line).

And everything you’ll work for will be for him; his home, his kids. You’ll not be able to buy your own property whilst putting into his home and children. You have nothing to fall back on.

He’s fine to want to protect himself, but unreasonable to want you to suffer to do it and give him children. If he wants to keep his assets he needs to be single then. Anything else is unfair unless he gets with someone in a level position to him ie. A woman with her own home.

For the record I put the deposit down on the home I have with my (now) husband and initially paid more, years later he now pays the mortgage. Situations change and you go take the leap together because you love and you trust the person and you don’t visualise them leaving. You can have financial independence whilst being committed to building a home and life TOGETHER that’s mutually beneficial .

Yes, I think we all inferred that's why he doesn't want to get married. But with that he's also saying that he's happy for you never to have any assets, and for you to take a hit to your earnings and career through parenthood. It's completely unequal. It's not a partnership. He's asking you to trust that he wouldn't leave you unprotected while not doing the thing that would ensure you were protected. It's shit.

'He doesn’t want to marry because of fear of losing assets that he’s worked for all his life. '

Losing assets to his wife?

Eh? He's promising to get married to you op though isn't he? For better for worse, for richer for poorer. That's his compromise in three years isn't it? Surely he wants to protect his beloved wife and child should he die first,

Unless of course, he is completely lying to his partner, and has absolutely no intention of marrying her.

Can you not see how his arguments don't make sense op?

Anyone else find it creepy as fxxk that he has been desperate to have children within a year of meeting OP, while determined NOT to marry her???

He's a creep IMO.

Throw him back. You cannot trust this man.

I hope OP that you're saving for your own future.

No need to clarify he's protecting his assets, that is obvious.

And that's fine. But he can't have his cake and eat it.

So you need to take your future security into your own hands.

So, he's demanding that you "take the leap of faith" that he will be a good partner to you when make yourself physically, emotionally and financially more vulnerable through pregnancy and motherhood, but he flat out refuses to take the leap of faith that you won't fleece him in the event of your divorce? Can he not see how hypocritical this is?

(Also - if you were to divorce after a short marriage and no children, he's not going to lose substantial assets anyway, so he's talking bollocks. Once you have children, of COURSE those marital assets will need to be fairly allocated because you will both need to be able to support yourselves in order to be able to support your children. If he isn't willing to accept that, then he is never going to be the kind of father that puts his children before his own needs.)

There's been a lot about ebay he wants and doesn't want...

What is it exactly that you want?
Do you want this with him?
Can you see a future together, where your wants, needs, and interests are taken into account and vested in, aswell as his?
When was the last time you actually felt heard and acknowledged?

What not ebay...

You are putting the cart before the horse, purely on the job issue. My husband travels for work and we have a baby, no issues at all. But there's much wider issues from what you said. You have to get married before trying to get pregnant so you have some financial protection. That was a red line for me, and even more so from what you've said about your situation.

He won't commit to you by marrying you, don't have children with him.

Number one, I wouldn’t be having a child before marriage.

Number two if you aren’t ready to have a child please don’t have one. You will end up resenting him, your child and your decision.

Number three, forget about the job situation as it’s all hypothetical at the moment. You know you don't want to try for kids right now, so it’s irrelevant.

Yes, with the info in your update you’d be unwise to ttc before marriage. You’d have zero housing security, for a start.

Or not.

On the contrary, OP, I think you’re very wise to be concerned.

My rule was no DC before marriage - I wanted cast iron legal protection which living together does not give you.

There is no good reason for a bloke to want DC with a woman who he is not prepared to marry. If he doesn’t want marriage, that suggests to be that he is avoiding being ‘trapped’ or having significant financial responsibilities in the event of a split.

Read the threads on here from women who have DC while not married, give up work or reduce to part time - and then are left in a precarious situation if the relationship ends. You have no guarantee he will be reasonable and put your interests first by eg changing job.

If a man will not commit to marriage with me, I do not have his kids - simple as that.

Not sure why you quoted me on that. My comments were nothing to do with marriage, they were to do with the job which is what OPs question was about.

I do happen to think there's so many red flags the more she has posted, and the marriage thing is definitely one of them. But singling out just the job situation, OP is being unreasonable in my opinion. There is no baby yet, so a job doesn't need to be based on the idea of a baby. The job can change if a baby is added to the mix.

A leap of faith???

Dear God, this one is a classic, isn’t he. You need to take a leap - while he doesn’t. No, sunshine, it doesn’t work like that.

He wants everything on his terms to protect his assets - and he wants you to put yourself in a risky situation. Please have a very careful think about this .

Because you suggested he could change job later and I thought you meant that would be ok for her - whereas she can’t rely on anything he says.

Apologies if I misunderstood. I agree with you that this is a bad situation- loads of red flags.

So he sees you wanting to get married first transactional and tells you to take a leap of faith.... with that attitude I would question the whole relationship.

Sorry can’t figure out how to reply directly. The hypothetical issue with the baby and new job is because he wants me to come off the pill to start trying now while he applies for a new job that will be of impact.

Thank you everyone. I have a lot to think over. I really appreciate all of your responses.