To find the moral high ground bloody exhausting?

[Waytoomanycoasters]

Feel like there's a very fine line between taking the high road and being a doormat and sometimes I'm not sure which side of that line I'm on.

An immediate family member is continuously, extremely subtly, disrespecting me and my values. They are doing so in a way which affects me in my home, but without ever visiting me or having any contact with me personally as they ceased direct contact about 2 years ago. The acts are carried out in in such a 'nice' way that only she and I know exactly how much of a dick she's being. To the outside world she's being a wonderfully generous soul, for example sending gifts to my children out of the blue. Except these gifts are triggering for me for reasons very few people know, she being one of the people. The items are sent directly to the children and they're thrilled with the gesture whilst I am left reeling. I wouldn't have them in the house and there is no way this person doesn't know that. So now I have to either upset my kids (by removing them) or deal with having something in the house which reminds me of something horrible that happened to me years ago. I don't want the kids involved or affected so I always choose option b. I also hate receiving random parcels from someone who has cut me out of their life, I think if you don't want to know me then you don't get to be this generous benefactor character to my kids. But I have been told that is an unreasonable opinion and that if I were to tell her she can't 'show her love for my children through presents' that it'll cause a rift in the family. I tried pointing out there was already a rift as she isn't speaking to me but apparently I'm making too much of it and to retaliate would make things much worse. I can see why they think that, she has been at family events where I am, we're still in the family WhatsApp etc. to anyone else I'm being paranoid. But I've bumped into her when we were alone and she just walked away, my texts have gone unanswered for months before I gave up. Even now our WhatsApp is literally just me saying 'the children thank you for the parcel' with no response so I can never be accused of being impolite. I just want it all to go away. It feels overwhelmingly petty and I don't have the energy for any of it.

I tried to discuss this with her the first time a parcel showed up but the conversation was turned so expertly that I was left feeling like I was the one being unreasonable. My feelings were disregarded and she said she would send what she wants when she wants and I should be well-mannered enough to say thank you. It is the right of the gift giver to be generous in the way they see fit and the receiver should be grateful. That's how our society works.

So I've been trying to quietly just get on with things. To allow these gestures to turn up, for my children to innocently enjoy them and to not cause a fuss. I feel like reacting is what she wants so I'm trying to be better than the situation. But it's so hard and in these moments I am exhausted by it. Mostly I am content with my life, I give it very little consideration from day to day. Until the next parcel arrives.

We're moving house soon and I've said to others I don't want her to have my new address. But apparently this is also ridiculous. Feel so trapped.

What is she sending that suitable for a child and innocuous to everyone else? Is she the only one in the family aware of the trauma?

How old are the kids? Open their parcels before they do and just chuck that shit in the bin.

If she's being that much of a vindictive bitch, then do not allow this shit in your house.

I'd ve posting it back on fire before I'd let my kids have anything from such a bitch!

And leave the WhatsApp group, life is too short.

Why can’t you intercept the parcels? Surely that’s an option?
or just tell the person to FO and don’t worry about what other people think!

Please return to sender - not known at this address.

Stop letting family dictate who you can and can’t talk to. Especially when that someone is deliberately hurting you. Explain clearly, it doesn’t matter if they see it or not, this is happening, you are not paranoid. You aren’t stopping them from seeing her but you want nothing to do with her and nobody is to tell her your address. If they do, you will consider it a breach of your trust and that they do not care about you.

Open parcels in private, and take to charity shop. Say they didn’t arrive. Shrug.

Was going to say this. Fuck her. Do you have anyone who actually understands what she's doing?

I wouldn't return to sender, just chuck it in the bin.

Returning it to sender is pointless and gives the person the heads-up that they've wound you up.

Chuck in the bin is akin to ghosting/grey-rocking, just zero reaction at all. What can they do.

Toss the parcels without opening.seriously.

Surely you can intercept the parcels and just donate to charity, I'm guessing the children are under 18.

This sounds like a very odd situation tbh. But if the gifts are hostile in this way, I would consider that a boundary violation or even a form of threatening/ stalking behaviour tbh. You are not obliged to receive gifts into your home and be grateful! Even if the gifts are for your kids, it’s your home. At a very minimum I would not be thanking her for the girls. Second I would tell her clearly she is not to keep sending them. You could say something like “the kids have too much stuff and we aren’t in a position to receive any more presents” so you are not making it about her. And thirdly, I wouldn’t be telling her my new address.

Don’t share new address with anyone who can’t be trusted.

Bin any parcels from her unopened.

You need to protect yourself and be more ruthless.

but apparently I'm making too much of it

No one, and I do mean no one, has the right or the relevant experience to tell you that. Turn over a new leaf today. Vow to yourself that you will no longer ever be a doormat to her manipulation again. Do not ever keep another parcel from her, and tell her via Whatsapp one time that anything she sends to your children will go immediately into the trash. She isn't allowed to use your kids as pawns in her fucked up game any longer. Once you've done that, remove yourself from that Whatsapp group and only communicate with family members who, at a minimum, keep their opinions about your relationship with this woman to themselves.

a sister i have had to remove from my life continues to send christmas cards, birthday cards, anniversary cards and to simply receive them is massively triggering for me, it feels like she is saying.. you will never be rid of me, you will never be allowed to forget what i did to you?

this sister even though my grown children wouldn't know her if she walked up to them in the street, sends them cards and gifts also (but she sends them to me as my children will not allow her to have their addresses), and again i feel lik she's sending a message saying.. look, i can get to your children i can still get to you!

to the outside world she appears to be this caring sister.. and i know i sound like i am going mad, but i know its intentially meant to upset me!

i don't even need to open whatever comes, it might be the nicest card in the world with the loveliest words.. but i know its been sent with malice and not love! and i now am able to dispose of whatever comes, without too much upset.

probably too much information but this sister was my abuser for many years and its only this year i have been able to say these words out loud!

if you are able, intercept the gifts and cards, if you can't throw them away, simply put them out of sight and forget about them. stop sending thank you messages, and i hope you heal soon

Is this your sister?

Do not talk to anyone else about her, don't. You're giving them fuel, that's so important.

This 👆

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds so similar to my situation and I know how horrible it feels. Well done to you reaching a point where you can voice it and talk about it. You sound incredibly brave.

I also sound like I'm going mad. I can understand the previous poster who said it sounded weird. It's an unbelievable situation really, sounds far fetched and yet here I am living it. I just don't understand why anyone would have the energy or desire to continue to act in such a way. The fact that they must be getting something out of it in some level to have continued to act like that for years. I just wouldn't, personally. Not only because I wouldn't ever want to wind someone up/be hurtful like that but also because I'm far too lazy for such effort!!!

Mostly the parcels come from online sources, such as amazon, and the children can read their names on them so it's increasingly hard to intercept. It's getting to the point that my children receiving post makes me feel anxious. Hoping this move will put paid to it. Though last year she randomly sent things to another relatives house when she knew we were going to be there just before Christmas. Feel like it's not that easy to escape.

I try not to as much as possible. Sometimes it's hard. Once the parcels were sent to another relatives house and they were confused why I took them to the charity shop rather than giving them to the children. Confused is probably the wrong term, aghast would be better. I didn't even open the parcels, they were all wrapped for Christmas and I imagine I looked like I'd completely lost the plot and was also being a crap mother into the bargain. But was one time where I could intervene as they didn't show up to my house, I knew where they were from and as they were Christmas presents they'd been squirrelled away from the kids. Was a very easy one to handle without having to cause them any disappoinment.

Your first sentence brought up some big emotions for me. Thank you. I'm trying to be stronger. I have said before that I've taken her parcels to the charity shop, but she's said that'll get harder as the kids get older and I have to explain why I'm stealing their post (she also took pains to remind me it's illegal to open someone else's parcels).

I’m a bit unclear what’s going on here. Is her main crime ghosting you - which obviously isn’t pleasant - but still wanting a relationship with your children? Or is she implicated in the ‘something horrible’ that happened to you years ago (which I’m sorry to hear about)? Are you saying that she has been actively malevolent to you and caused you harm in the past?

It's not illegal to open anyone's post, so she can get fucked on that one. She sounds awful, and you do not at all sound mad. Tell the kids that Aunty Twat sometimes sends strange things that she shouldn't, which is why you get rid of them (but hey, have an ice cream / treat / etc as a distraction). Are you able to not tell people your new address if they would tell her? If not feasible, can you get some form of locked mail box / locked parcel box so that only you can get the mail, and therefore you can intercept anything before the kids even see it?

Return all the parcels unopened and then you are stealing nothing. Do not give her the ammunition.

Don't attempt to discuss it with her or justify yourself to anyone. Other people have no right to tell you where your boundaries are.

Don't give her your new address and don't give it to anyone you don't think you can trust. Returning parcels from the new address will be easier because you will not have given her the address so she will never know if she has the correct one.

I don't know how far away she lives but on the off chance she decides to hand deliver parcels I would not answer the door and would put the parcel straight in the bin, blame the loss on porch pirates.

Re: my post above - it's only illegal if you plan to do something nefarious with it, like use a wrongly-sent credit card to scam someone. Given your children are, well, children, I'm not sure they have particular rights to stuff sent to them that trumps you right as their parent to monitor and limit what they receive

Thanks for those who have replied. Feeling a bit more positive today. Just hate when things turn up. Sometimes they don't even have anything inside it to indicate its from her, it'll be from amazon or something, but once it's opened I know.

I haven't tried return to sender. I guess we rarely receive random parcels out of the blue at other times, and people would swiftly learn to give me a heads up before sending something if I returned all the unexpected children's post unopened. However it does feel more like I'm going to add fuel to the fire rather than just ignoring them. I don't want to fight back, I'm worried I'll make it worse for us somehow. I just want it to stop.

Re: opening the parcels before the kids get to them. I've managed this once or twice and have been able to get the stuff out of the house before it's seen. However I told her I was doing that and she's told me I'm breaking the law under the Postal Services Act.

I have previously, when the children much smaller, said that we were trying to live a more minimalist lifestyle and I didn't want the kids having gifts for random reasons (Easter presents for example) so please could she refrain from sending parcels.That's when she said that if someone wants to buy a gift that's their prerogative. It's a common opinion, there are often threads on here especially around Christmas or grandparents and grandchildren etc where it seems like it's accepted that people will buy presents and the person receiving it can choose to get rid of them in whatever way they like but they can't stop the person buying the gifts and sound like a fun sponge/crap person if they show ingratitude. This is the reputation I largely have.

The wider family dynamic is complicated (aren't they all) but may be worth trying to have another conversation with people. Would be nice to feel like someone was on my side. She's a strong character in the family though, matriarchal character. I can't imagine many would pick me if it came to that.