To find the moral high ground bloody exhausting?

[Waytoomanycoasters]

Feel like there's a very fine line between taking the high road and being a doormat and sometimes I'm not sure which side of that line I'm on.

An immediate family member is continuously, extremely subtly, disrespecting me and my values. They are doing so in a way which affects me in my home, but without ever visiting me or having any contact with me personally as they ceased direct contact about 2 years ago. The acts are carried out in in such a 'nice' way that only she and I know exactly how much of a dick she's being. To the outside world she's being a wonderfully generous soul, for example sending gifts to my children out of the blue. Except these gifts are triggering for me for reasons very few people know, she being one of the people. The items are sent directly to the children and they're thrilled with the gesture whilst I am left reeling. I wouldn't have them in the house and there is no way this person doesn't know that. So now I have to either upset my kids (by removing them) or deal with having something in the house which reminds me of something horrible that happened to me years ago. I don't want the kids involved or affected so I always choose option b. I also hate receiving random parcels from someone who has cut me out of their life, I think if you don't want to know me then you don't get to be this generous benefactor character to my kids. But I have been told that is an unreasonable opinion and that if I were to tell her she can't 'show her love for my children through presents' that it'll cause a rift in the family. I tried pointing out there was already a rift as she isn't speaking to me but apparently I'm making too much of it and to retaliate would make things much worse. I can see why they think that, she has been at family events where I am, we're still in the family WhatsApp etc. to anyone else I'm being paranoid. But I've bumped into her when we were alone and she just walked away, my texts have gone unanswered for months before I gave up. Even now our WhatsApp is literally just me saying 'the children thank you for the parcel' with no response so I can never be accused of being impolite. I just want it all to go away. It feels overwhelmingly petty and I don't have the energy for any of it.

I tried to discuss this with her the first time a parcel showed up but the conversation was turned so expertly that I was left feeling like I was the one being unreasonable. My feelings were disregarded and she said she would send what she wants when she wants and I should be well-mannered enough to say thank you. It is the right of the gift giver to be generous in the way they see fit and the receiver should be grateful. That's how our society works.

So I've been trying to quietly just get on with things. To allow these gestures to turn up, for my children to innocently enjoy them and to not cause a fuss. I feel like reacting is what she wants so I'm trying to be better than the situation. But it's so hard and in these moments I am exhausted by it. Mostly I am content with my life, I give it very little consideration from day to day. Until the next parcel arrives.

We're moving house soon and I've said to others I don't want her to have my new address. But apparently this is also ridiculous. Feel so trapped.

Thanks for this. I did a brief google search before and thought it was the case universally if the post isn't addressed to you and you do not have permission to open it. However would seem that isn't the case for under 18's anyway, whether having nefarious intentions or not.

How old are your children? Just remove yourself from acknowledging receipt of any gifts. The gifts are sent to your kids. You don't have to acknowledge or thank anyone for them. So stop the WhatsApp messages saying thank you. If anyone asks if the kids received them you can give a vague reply saying ' I think so, I'm sure they wrote a card to thank relative'. And leave it.

Wouldn't say the ghosting is the main crime. More the fact that she is refusing to speak with me, but insisting she is allowed a relationship (which is totally on her terms. She hasn't seen them in two years, we don't do phone calls or anything, she just randomly sends them presents) with my children then using that relationship to continue to remind me of things I would rather forget. She isn't implicated in it, but she knows, and knows that I don't want to be reminded of it. She knows I've had therapy, have been severely depressed, still can't even have a conversation about anything to do with the topic without having a near panic attack. Other people know about it too, but she's the only one continuously bringing it up. When I've said to others that it feels like she's doing it deliberately they say I'm being paranoid and 'I'm sure it was just an unfortunate coincidence' etc. I don't want to write exactly what it is here as it'll make it super obvious who I am.

My husband is fully on board with not giving her our new address, but he also doesn't have a clue how to get others not to give it to her. I don't want to cut off my entire family just because of her, I don't want anyone else to feel unwelcome at my house or like they can't send a new home card etc just because of her. Feels inevitable that she's going to get it. But would very much like her to not!! Mind you otherwise she'd probably switch to sending parcels via other people. I don't think many would tell her no.

Is this something you’d consider reporting to the police sending unsolicited gifts can be seen as a form of harassment?

I don’t know the back story to this so I don’t know if this is possible?

Oh switching to thank you cards that could get conveniently lost in the post is a pretty good idea. Thank you.

Cheese is also my favourite, good choice!

It's never even occurred to me there would be any sort of offence in sending gifts to children in your family. Hadn't considered that as an option at all.

I know you don’t want to share what the gifts are but I think whether you can report it as harassment it does depend what the stuff is / how innocuous. For example if you’ve said you don’t want your children to have any toys or even any soft toys or nice clothes and she keeps sending them then she’d easily argue that you’re being cruel and she’s being kind.
but if it’s something more understandable like toy guns or a weird theme thing like clowns then you’ll more likely be able to gain understanding if you report it as harassment. Is the historical thing something criminal? That would also help.

Why do you think your sister is deliberately sending stuff that upsets you? It’s a really cruel and weird thing to do.

How old are your children? Mine know that the reason Mummy doesn't have any contact with xxx is that she is a lady who was very unkind to me- and she was unkind to me for a long time.

They know how she is related to me.

I'm really sorry to hear you've had someone treat you poorly for a long time. That's horrible :(

I'm trying not to put any specifics on here re kids ages etc. Attempting to stay as anonymous as possible. They're old enough to remember there was a time when we saw her in the holidays etc, they remember who she is and get excited about receiving presents. They've asked a few times why we don't see her anymore.

Something I hadn't thought until this very moment is that the time remaining where the kids are of an age where they get excited about this stuff turning up is definitely limited. So that's a nice thought.

Yes I fear in this case it wouldn't get me anywhere to report it. Would probably cause more harm than good and the worst outcome would be that no boundaries are imposed and she would take that as official permission to continue only more self righteously. Would also mean if she was ever questioned there would be a 'well the police thought it was fine so why not!' argument.

I'm aware it makes me sound paranoid and weird to say that a relative is deliberately being cruel, but it's irrefutable. If someone asked you not to do something, even without a related historical incident, would you keep doing it? I personally couldn't. I'd hate to act in any way which would cause anyone discomfort. I have no idea why she's doing this, can't put myself in her shoes whatsoever. It's completely beyond my comprehension.

I think the reason I've largely been able to say with conviction that it's not all in my head is that now I have a spouse who has seen and understood and is backing me up. He hasn't said anything to her directly I have said strongly that after talking to her made no difference I just want to rise above it and hopefully she'll get bored and go away. The first few times it happened it was horrible, but when I realised it was going to continue happening and even though I'd spoken to her about it she had no intention of stopping, that was worse.

OP

Get your husband to speak to her - actually speak to her first - so hopefully catch her unaware - and then write her the same. Telling her to stop, that she's being cruel etc.
Part of how these situations continue is that the bully sees that their victim is alone in her discomfort, and has noone on her side.
Also the social pressure of having someone else pull her up on it.

Ideally your husband would also do it in the family group chat to enhance the social effect. (But you might think that would trigger too much family drama.)

You’re in a huge trap of worrying what people will think.

I would tell those with opinions “I understand why you think that but I know her better.” and stand by that. Say it with confidence.

Your children will understand when they’re older. For now you have to be in control. New rule - mum and dad deal with the post, not the children.

She is giving me "Misery" vibes, OP. Very obsessive and scary. She clearly knows what she's doing and that's what makes it so hateful.

Regarding your other relatives, do they know what happened to you (the thing this woman is referring to in her gifts)?

Would a PO Box work for you? There is an option of collecting your mail yourself instead of having it delivered to your home which would give you the time to decide whether anything needs to be returned or “lost” -https://www.royalmail.com/receiving/po-box

I certainly am that. My family is very fragmented and I've taken pride that I've made it to 40 without ever being someone who causes trouble. The rifts have never involved me before, I'm friends with everyone and always try to be considerate of other peoples feelings etc

Situations like this make me really sad that I likely have to change who I am in order to not be taken advantage of.

But yes, that's a great and very easily implemented rule.

@OriginalUsername2 s idea is great, so is the idea of a post office box.

I think that you quietly need to start teaching your children that not everyone is nice though. Personally I think teaching children to be aware of manipulation techniques is very important. I have an extremely clever manipulator in my family, and over the years I've been able to point out inconsistencies between what she claims and what she does, and they've been able to see it for themselves. Along with pointing out that Grandma sometimes spectacularly says the wrong thing and it can be hurtful but she just sometimes doesnt realise it, and has a heart of gold - intent counts for so much!

Very powerful message there. Yes really don't want them to turn into people pleasers like me. I'm so fraught with emotions about it though I've no idea how I would sow that seed tactfully. Parenting sure is tricky sometimes😂

Bless Grandma, we've got one of those in the family. You know it's not said to hurt but sometimes you still wince!!!

@Waytoomanycoasters Get a post box outside your home, like they have in America. You have the key. You can get parcel boxes too https://www.smartparcelbox.co.uk/buy-online.html

You have the key. Nobody else gets to see the post before you do. Anything you know is from her goes straight in the bin. Anything you’re not sure about gets opened by you and chucked before the children see it.

As soon as the children get old enough, explain to them what’s going on, so they understand.

Parenting is tricky! It's so hard to get the balance right between them being able to be assertive (and coping with them learning to refine the techniques, which means they'll get it wrong sometimes and be rude while they learn) and not, as adults, being rude.

You said your family is fragmented, you've got a very close relative who is clearly actively malicious and subtly an enemy and you're a people pleaser. It sounds to me like you've had a number of challenges growing up. Have you considered the dreaded therapy? It doesn't work for everyone, but it can for some.

At least your partner has your back ... that's a huge strength.

Completely agree with those saying you don't have to pretend this person is nice to your children. They are small now (you haven't said their ages but my guess is primary aged?). My older teenagers are my biggest allies and supporters when it comes to dealing with my toxic family. They are fierce and strong and not remotely bothered about offending Great Aunt Marjory. I have a lot of baggage from my upbringing and can fall into old patterns of trying to please everyone, but my children have no such baggage. They are clear-eyed and they help me be strong. They are on my team.

This is so wonderfully wholesome! I've never had family that advocate for me like that. The idea that you're a teammate that they'd stand up for is just completely wonderful. Also love the words you've used to describe your children. I'd love that future for us. You must be a cracking parent too.

Oh yeah encouraging those incredible independent spirits whilst simultaneously reigning them in without squashing them and actually enjoying living with them is tough!!! 😂

I've had a lot of therapy. I actually started it after a sudden bereavement but it very quickly became apparent I had a lot more to work through than grief. Me getting that help was the best thing to come out of something awful. Currently the COL has affected the available finances to keep going for sessions, but I've got some good foundations to draw upon now which I'm grateful for.

@VerityBridge I'd love to know how you managed to raise those fierce, strong kids who don't share your baggage <3 that is one of my top goals as a mum.

This all sounds too complicated if parcels are for my child they get the parcels and I would move on, they get presents and I would feel no need to turn it into a drama