To find the moral high ground bloody exhausting?

[Waytoomanycoasters]

Feel like there's a very fine line between taking the high road and being a doormat and sometimes I'm not sure which side of that line I'm on.

An immediate family member is continuously, extremely subtly, disrespecting me and my values. They are doing so in a way which affects me in my home, but without ever visiting me or having any contact with me personally as they ceased direct contact about 2 years ago. The acts are carried out in in such a 'nice' way that only she and I know exactly how much of a dick she's being. To the outside world she's being a wonderfully generous soul, for example sending gifts to my children out of the blue. Except these gifts are triggering for me for reasons very few people know, she being one of the people. The items are sent directly to the children and they're thrilled with the gesture whilst I am left reeling. I wouldn't have them in the house and there is no way this person doesn't know that. So now I have to either upset my kids (by removing them) or deal with having something in the house which reminds me of something horrible that happened to me years ago. I don't want the kids involved or affected so I always choose option b. I also hate receiving random parcels from someone who has cut me out of their life, I think if you don't want to know me then you don't get to be this generous benefactor character to my kids. But I have been told that is an unreasonable opinion and that if I were to tell her she can't 'show her love for my children through presents' that it'll cause a rift in the family. I tried pointing out there was already a rift as she isn't speaking to me but apparently I'm making too much of it and to retaliate would make things much worse. I can see why they think that, she has been at family events where I am, we're still in the family WhatsApp etc. to anyone else I'm being paranoid. But I've bumped into her when we were alone and she just walked away, my texts have gone unanswered for months before I gave up. Even now our WhatsApp is literally just me saying 'the children thank you for the parcel' with no response so I can never be accused of being impolite. I just want it all to go away. It feels overwhelmingly petty and I don't have the energy for any of it.

I tried to discuss this with her the first time a parcel showed up but the conversation was turned so expertly that I was left feeling like I was the one being unreasonable. My feelings were disregarded and she said she would send what she wants when she wants and I should be well-mannered enough to say thank you. It is the right of the gift giver to be generous in the way they see fit and the receiver should be grateful. That's how our society works.

So I've been trying to quietly just get on with things. To allow these gestures to turn up, for my children to innocently enjoy them and to not cause a fuss. I feel like reacting is what she wants so I'm trying to be better than the situation. But it's so hard and in these moments I am exhausted by it. Mostly I am content with my life, I give it very little consideration from day to day. Until the next parcel arrives.

We're moving house soon and I've said to others I don't want her to have my new address. But apparently this is also ridiculous. Feel so trapped.

You are lucky to never have been in the position OP is in then.

Completely agree with PP about getting a parcel box. The children don't need to ever receive anything from this woman. You never need to acknowledge anything either.

Ignore any questions about parcels being received. It will be so much easier when you move. Make it clear you don't want your address given to anyone and if the parcels continue then never acknowledge any of them being received. Whoever has given her the address either got it wrong or lied. Let them take the heat for the betrayal.

It takes a lot of energy to get past trauma, and having constant reminders makes it so much harder. She knows what's she's doing, don't let her continue to take that power from you.

Depends on the scenario. If you'd been raped in a tent by a bearded trumpet playing neighbour and your sinister family member kept sending your kids toy tents and bearded figurines and toy trumpets I think you'd be triggered and knowing your crazy relative was sending them to upset you would likely really trigger all sorts of things in you

This is not unreasonable at all. This person is a twisted, passive aggressive POS.
Do not let this freak have your new address. Tell your other relatives that if she gets it from them you will never speak to them again. Draw a line in the sand and stick to it.
There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries. There is something very wrong with people who violate them. Stand your ground.

Did you read her posts?
What an insensitive response.

I really feel for you OP. I'm aggressive as fuck & honest about everything which comes with its own problems but I might consider the parcel box & dh sending a civil message asking her to stop & giving her options such as

A:she continues to send stuff despite your wishes in which case it will be sent straight to the charity shop

B: she can save money & give it to them if they wish to accept it when they're adults

C: she can make a donation to charity instead- Tommy likes guide dogs & Lily likes food bank

Obviously tailored to whatever you find acceptable & end with 'thank you for your cooperation' or some such.

The benefit of dh taking over comms like pp says is that she won't be interested in dealing with him & wont get the satisfaction of seeing you annoyed.

Really hope you manage to shake that bitch off. It's a terribly vindictive sort of bullying. The pp that said don't make a drama out of it must have led a charmed life not to understand ways in which some people choose to be vindictive

Sorry to read what you experience; I want to add that it does not sound crazy at all and I agree with previous poster that others do not get to decide what is reasonable in your relation to that person; they do not have your experience. I would forget about trying to explain to them, they'll probably never get it; just state your boundaries and if necessary, do things on the quiet (like disposing of parcels she sent to other family members, or ask your DH to help you do it).

I would stop all thanking because that is part of the reaction the person is trying to get: that you are forced through politeness to react. It seems they weren't polite in what they did to you, so no need to feel bad for not thanking them.

I have a practical suggestion which might be worth trying: do you have your own amazon account? If you could get hold of a human in customer service, could you explain to them briefly that you want to block another customer from sending items to you / your family members?
As it is possible for others to buy items and then send them to a different address, there must be a reverse option somewhere: that another user cannot write your name/your childrens' name as the alternative address in the purchasing process. Maybe the keyword "harassment" could help.

You could try it witih other retailers she uses to send you things; just ensure that you explain it in a way that they don't block your address if you want to buy something yourself.

Additionally, maybe there is a possibility at the sorting office / post office that you can put a block on any mail which comes from her address directly. As you are not trying to block official correspondence (such as from a bank etc), it could be possible.

I don't have any advice OP, but I feel for you. This subtle, sneaky kind of bullying/harassment is the worst because others can't see it.
I agree with pp, explain in age appropriate language to your children what is going on and don't let them have the parcels in future.
I also agree with ignoring her completely. No thank you, no replies, no nothing. It will annoy her and she may get her "flying monkeys" to intervene on her behalf. Just stay firm and stick to your boundaries.
Your children are under 18 so NO, she doesn't have the right to send them gifts or contact them in any way without your permission. Absolutely not.
They are your children and you and their dad get to decide what's right for them at this age, not her, not anyone else.

I can’t begin to imagine what’s in the parcels so can’t even begin to have an opinion??

without ever being someone who causes trouble

This is great in principle. But it's coming at a cost to you. Stressing and worrying about this person and what people think of you.

I agree with pp stop caring what people think.

Tell the children in an age appropriate way. Something minimal.

Like "x was mean to mummy that's why we don't see her anymore". If the children are older "Sending presents is a kind of bullying and they'll all be returned. "

Shine a light on this.

Thanks all for the responses. They've helped me be brave enough to bring this up with the person I thought most likely to reveal our new address and make it very clear that I would see that as a betrayal. Incredibly she's agreed there does appear to be 'something going on' between us and has said she'll respect my wishes not to share my personal information. So that feels.like something!

Have you considered turning this back on her, if you feel strong enough? ...
Hi Claire, kids usually love your gifts but this latest one was a bit of a failure. Normally they love nerf guns, but they were so hoping you'd send the really massive pink one so were inevitably disappointed with this crappy one. Could you please send the big one by the weekend? They are at least pleased to have something to donate to the school fair, though.
Hi Claire, thanks for sending the big one, turns out they'd changed their minds again. Kids eh! What they actually want now is this one. By Friday please!
Nope not that one, was I not clear? Try again Claire...
Overwhelm her with messages and requests. Like Love bombing/ negging her

I hope you get this sorted OP, it sounds awful and very upsetting. Absolutely look into the block on Amazon, post box etc but the main thing is to prevent her getting your new address. Can you tell people that you've received odd mail and are keeping close tabs so only giving a few people your address? And to not pass it on? Who really needs your address anyway?

Can you intercept the parcels and not give them to the children?

How about having all your post sent to a PO Box so then the kids never see the gifts and you can just send them to charity. You can then take back control.

You could set up a mail redirect for your children’s names to a trusted friend / work address? That way nothing arrives through the post addresses to them and they never know.

So. She has kept reminding you of a difficult situation. She hasn't done anything else.
She knows it upsets you. But carries on.
You have cut contact with her as she won't stop mentioning past problems.
She carries on sending gifts to your children.
Bizarre. Can she just send money instead?

She's actually cut contact with me but I'm genuinely clueless as to why. 'She hasn't done anything else' sounds like she could have written it. The rest of the stuff she has done I could list you could probably put down to being family if you wanted to be generous. However she was an adult by the time I was talking, so the fact that I grew up with her calling me names, shaming and abusing me isn't the same as if we were siblings or cousins or something growing up a few years apart.

I'm going to look into the post box once we've moved. Feels like an additional layer of security which is worth it.

Thank you

I think with the PO Box you can set it up either as an actual box you collect from or a mask for your real address so stuff comes to you.

If a parcel arrives with no givers name could you not say to the dc Oh I think that’s from long lost Aunty or Uncle xxx, knowing fully well it’s not.
And don’t thank the giver.
We received a gift at Christmas from a member of dh’s family who we are v. low contact with. I asked dh if he was going to acknowledge the gift and he said
‘no, they’re mean to you. I am not interested in them.’

We’re NC with an older relative of DH’s. We fell out many years ago, and she still tried to send gifts and cards. The first time she tried, DS would be about 6/7: MIL turned up with gift and card on her behalf. I’ve always been a people pleaser and hate confrontation, but managed to tell MIL that we didn’t want it. She said something along the lines of, ‘you and (DH) might be NC, but that doesn’t mean (DS) has to be.’

I told her that it does, actually.

She tried to make me take the gift - ‘just this once’ - and I said no again. As she stood up to go, she put it on the edge of the kitchen counter, ‘I’ll just leave that here in case you change your mind.’ I picked it up and gave it back to her and told her it would be going in the bin. She took it.

Every time a card came - birthdays for the DC and DH, Christmas cards - I rip them up. I recognise her writing, so I don’t even open them first. DC never mention this person anymore, completely removed from our lives.

OP, you clearly have the kindest intentions, but you will never be able to please the rest of your family whilst protecting yourself. Put yourself first: it’s not your job to make everyone happy.

Accept the parcel into your home.
Choose to bin the parcel yourself from within your home.

This is not mail interception.

Another parcel arrived. Not containing the usual type of stuff, however definitely meant as a statement. Had a chat with someone recently about trying to be more environmentally friendly with my children when it comes to crafting. i.e. using stuff from the recycling bin, not using glitter that isn't biodegradable etc. No judgement to anyone else, you do whatever suits you, it's just something I'm trying to be mindful of here.

It seems the message has made it through the grapevine as a huge parcel of plastic wrapped, very much not environmentally friendly, craft stuff has just turned up for the kids. with a note.... 'I hear mummy is being a grinch and not letting you guys have glitter, here's something to bring the sparkle back'. No name on it, but I can't imagine who else it would be.

I'm trying to tell myself that surely somewhere deep in her brain she's actually just being generous and giving the kids stuff she would enjoy/liked with her children. But that fact that it continuously smacks in the face of something I've expressly said is important to me is just really bloody irritating. Also honestly my kids don't realise they're being denied something, it's not like I've said to them I'm not buying it, I just...haven't bought it. So addressing a note to them that I'm somehow being mean denying them something they haven't been missing is just....gah!!!!

Anyway, am going to donate the whole thing to the DC's school. They weren't here when I opened it so, can just vamoose. But has still left a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Bleugh.

Can you keep your distance from “the spy in your midst?”