To find the moral high ground bloody exhausting?

[Waytoomanycoasters]

Feel like there's a very fine line between taking the high road and being a doormat and sometimes I'm not sure which side of that line I'm on.

An immediate family member is continuously, extremely subtly, disrespecting me and my values. They are doing so in a way which affects me in my home, but without ever visiting me or having any contact with me personally as they ceased direct contact about 2 years ago. The acts are carried out in in such a 'nice' way that only she and I know exactly how much of a dick she's being. To the outside world she's being a wonderfully generous soul, for example sending gifts to my children out of the blue. Except these gifts are triggering for me for reasons very few people know, she being one of the people. The items are sent directly to the children and they're thrilled with the gesture whilst I am left reeling. I wouldn't have them in the house and there is no way this person doesn't know that. So now I have to either upset my kids (by removing them) or deal with having something in the house which reminds me of something horrible that happened to me years ago. I don't want the kids involved or affected so I always choose option b. I also hate receiving random parcels from someone who has cut me out of their life, I think if you don't want to know me then you don't get to be this generous benefactor character to my kids. But I have been told that is an unreasonable opinion and that if I were to tell her she can't 'show her love for my children through presents' that it'll cause a rift in the family. I tried pointing out there was already a rift as she isn't speaking to me but apparently I'm making too much of it and to retaliate would make things much worse. I can see why they think that, she has been at family events where I am, we're still in the family WhatsApp etc. to anyone else I'm being paranoid. But I've bumped into her when we were alone and she just walked away, my texts have gone unanswered for months before I gave up. Even now our WhatsApp is literally just me saying 'the children thank you for the parcel' with no response so I can never be accused of being impolite. I just want it all to go away. It feels overwhelmingly petty and I don't have the energy for any of it.

I tried to discuss this with her the first time a parcel showed up but the conversation was turned so expertly that I was left feeling like I was the one being unreasonable. My feelings were disregarded and she said she would send what she wants when she wants and I should be well-mannered enough to say thank you. It is the right of the gift giver to be generous in the way they see fit and the receiver should be grateful. That's how our society works.

So I've been trying to quietly just get on with things. To allow these gestures to turn up, for my children to innocently enjoy them and to not cause a fuss. I feel like reacting is what she wants so I'm trying to be better than the situation. But it's so hard and in these moments I am exhausted by it. Mostly I am content with my life, I give it very little consideration from day to day. Until the next parcel arrives.

We're moving house soon and I've said to others I don't want her to have my new address. But apparently this is also ridiculous. Feel so trapped.

I wouldn't even donate it to school - what if someone inadvertently lets slip to your children about mummy's kind donation? You're left in a position of having to lie. How dare she write that snarky little note! I'd be dumping her gift and making no mention of it to anyone.

It's basically the last person in my family I regularly talk to. My remaining living family is severely fragmented :( I already try and be careful what I say. Honestly didn't ever imagine an innocent chat about making stuff with the kids would amount to anything negative.

That is so fucked up tbh!

At least you know that the person you talked to is passing info on to your stalker, can you ask them not to or will they just ignore you?

*the "mummy is a Grinch" message and parcel is fucked up, I mean. Who puts that much energy into winding up another person?!

It's probably worth it yes. I doubt it would have been done maliciously. It's one of those things isn't it where you don't realise how much someone can twist something innocent until they do it. I'm usually really careful what I say in those chats as I expect the worst and this has even surprised me!!

Thanks for validating my feeling that it's not just me being precious. I've been trying to think kindly/give the benefit of the doubt but that's me trying to be the best version of myself. My initial thought when I opened the parcel and saw all the glitter was 'who the hell hates me now?!' 😂

On the plus side my kids think glitter means elves/tooth fairy etc are on the lookout, so maybe if they spot any remnants they'll be on their best behaviour 😂

Exactly this. Why do relatives know you gave gifts to a charity shop? If you told them then stop. Do not utter her name or mention to any relatives that you’ve received something. If a relative asks did you receive x just say oh I’m not sure and cha he the subject. Or say yes and change the subject, leave the room/ their house if they carry on asking/pestering. A boundary is needed. I do not want to talk about „x“ if they do you remove yourself.

You may be right but it's so wasteful for it all to go in the bin!! And doesn't feel like something I can take to a charity shop or anything. Maybe a childrens centre. Just an additional thing on the to do list though

PS your username is great! Took me a minute...

Crikey she’s obsessed with you isn’t she.

I told them once in the hopes it might stop them being sent. Haven't done it since, and won't be mentioning this one has turned up to anyone. I'm on a road to having better boundaries about it. This thread has helped. Also because I like to have people to talk to when stuff happens. Realising that speaking to family (though really only one person) was probably making it worse made me feel sad and lonely. DH tries but he doesn't really understand the nuances of it, and is the type to always see the best in people so a small part of me feels like I'm being a bit of a witch being ungrateful when a parcel turns up. So it was nice to think, oo I can update that instead! Kinda cathartic for processing things.

Hadn't ever thought of it like that. Does seem like a lot of effort.

You previously mentioned that your tormenter was an adult by the time you were talking and that you grew up with her calling you names, sharming and abusing you. Does the person that is passing on information to her know what she did to you when she was an adult and you were only a child? Did no-one in the family try and stop this behaviour

She sounds like a psychopath. I would be tempted to cut ties with anyone that is feeding her information, innocently or not. It seems as though no-one protected you, even when you were a child.

Sorry if it makes your burden heavier, but I would not assume that the one person you do speak to is on your side (or even neutral) because it is so bloody weird and innocuous a conversation for them to have reported to your tormentor - unless they too have an ulterior motive.

Someone did, many times, they were told to keep out of it. So instead they spoke to me about why it wasn't okay and gave me strength to realise I wasn't a bad kid and the stuff that was being said was more of a reflection of others than of me. They've since left the family (married in, now divorced) but continue to be a lovely person for me. I'm very grateful for them. But not someone I could discuss this stuff with as they've drawn a line and don't want anything else to do with it. Which I can understand.

I do appreciate what you're saying about cutting ties but people are complicated. Outside of this behaviour the person sharing the info is mostly lovely, they're a great grandparent figure to my kids, I love speaking with them on the phone, we have a laugh. Feels like I'd loose a lot saying goodbye to them when really if the parcel sender would just stop then it would be better.

Open up the glitter dump it in the envelope return to sender glitter bomb

I would report it and say:
Sister has been very unpleasant about something awful that happened to you.
There is no longer any contact between you and you have asked her to stop sending gifts to the children.

She continues to send the gifts, which makes you feel anxious and triggered about the initial event. You believe she is doing it to cause you distress.

You would just like her spoken to and told to stop sending things to your children. She hasn't seen them for 2 years and they no longer have a relationship so it isn't necessary for her to be sending them gifts.

Then all they have to do is give her words of advice initially. It will all be documented so if she continues then it would be a clear harassment.

That all sounds very difficult and I can see why you wouldn't want to cut ties with the person sharing the info.

I don't think the parcel sender will ever just stop. Are your children old enough for you to explain in simple terms that something very upsetting happened to you when you were young and the person sending them parcels is doing this to remind you and to upset you and this is why they shouldn't open the parcels or keep the gifts? That they are doing it to be mean, not to be kind.

I'm sorry that you didn't have more people protecting you when you were young that you could turn to now. It sounds very hard.

This person is way too interested in the details of your life. Have you actually moved now OP?

I had similar with a close member of my family - i sent a message to the person concerned that no gifts or cards would be passed on and anything sent would go to charity. I told other members of my family that this is what I would do and although they kicked off the presents and letters stopped.

No :( it fell through. Decided to do some work on the current place and try again next year

Ah I'm sorry you went through it too but well done taking steps which worked for you!

We don’t know what the items are yet. When I was a child my grandma did this, sending girly clothes for me to wear that triggered my mother because even though I’m a girl she wanted me in boys clothes as she was self reflecting her own desire to wear them.

That glitter parcel is so seriously fucked up. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this utter arsehole of a relative. I think this is one of those times when it's OK to just bin stuff - yes normally it's bad to bin usable stuff, but in this case I think getting the thing gone is more important.

If you don't want to bin it but are concerned about someone saying something at school just donate it or stick it on olio. I totally get why you don't want to bin it as it sort of compounds all the bad feelings. I hope you get a chance to move & I'm sorry you haven't managed it before Christmas. Have you got someone who can open these parcels for you so you don't need to read the sly messages yourself?

I left it with reception at school to pop in the staff room so they can dish it out. I doubt it'll come back to me, will just get enveloped into the school stuff.

Usually DH opens stuff if it's for the kids these days, but today's was just addressed to our surname so I just didn't think. Weirdly I haven't felt quite as panicked as I usually do when one turns up. Was a bit Bleugh for the first hour but talking on here has been really helpful. I think there's also less to it because it's not the usual stuff and the kids weren't there when it arrived so didn't have to handle that element. And, I know it sounds crazy that I needed permission from an internet forum, but just knowing that I don't need to tell anyone else that it's here or text and say thank you like I usually do so I can't be accused of stirring the pot. It's so freeing!! I just kinda felt like 'okay this is fine, im just going to get rid of it', and now it's gone and I'm alright. Serious progress for me.

Gosh that sounds like a lot, both for you and your mum!!