Feel like there's a very fine line between taking the high road and being a doormat and sometimes I'm not sure which side of that line I'm on.
An immediate family member is continuously, extremely subtly, disrespecting me and my values. They are doing so in a way which affects me in my home, but without ever visiting me or having any contact with me personally as they ceased direct contact about 2 years ago. The acts are carried out in in such a 'nice' way that only she and I know exactly how much of a dick she's being. To the outside world she's being a wonderfully generous soul, for example sending gifts to my children out of the blue. Except these gifts are triggering for me for reasons very few people know, she being one of the people. The items are sent directly to the children and they're thrilled with the gesture whilst I am left reeling. I wouldn't have them in the house and there is no way this person doesn't know that. So now I have to either upset my kids (by removing them) or deal with having something in the house which reminds me of something horrible that happened to me years ago. I don't want the kids involved or affected so I always choose option b. I also hate receiving random parcels from someone who has cut me out of their life, I think if you don't want to know me then you don't get to be this generous benefactor character to my kids. But I have been told that is an unreasonable opinion and that if I were to tell her she can't 'show her love for my children through presents' that it'll cause a rift in the family. I tried pointing out there was already a rift as she isn't speaking to me but apparently I'm making too much of it and to retaliate would make things much worse. I can see why they think that, she has been at family events where I am, we're still in the family WhatsApp etc. to anyone else I'm being paranoid. But I've bumped into her when we were alone and she just walked away, my texts have gone unanswered for months before I gave up. Even now our WhatsApp is literally just me saying 'the children thank you for the parcel' with no response so I can never be accused of being impolite. I just want it all to go away. It feels overwhelmingly petty and I don't have the energy for any of it.
I tried to discuss this with her the first time a parcel showed up but the conversation was turned so expertly that I was left feeling like I was the one being unreasonable. My feelings were disregarded and she said she would send what she wants when she wants and I should be well-mannered enough to say thank you. It is the right of the gift giver to be generous in the way they see fit and the receiver should be grateful. That's how our society works.
So I've been trying to quietly just get on with things. To allow these gestures to turn up, for my children to innocently enjoy them and to not cause a fuss. I feel like reacting is what she wants so I'm trying to be better than the situation. But it's so hard and in these moments I am exhausted by it. Mostly I am content with my life, I give it very little consideration from day to day. Until the next parcel arrives.
We're moving house soon and I've said to others I don't want her to have my new address. But apparently this is also ridiculous. Feel so trapped.