Telling teenage dd that her clothing is too revealing

[MyDogsPaws]

My dd is 14 and recently bought herself new clothing with some money she was given, however as the new clothes have arrived and I’ve seen them in person I have been holding myself back from commenting on the “ appropriateness” of some of the items for example one of the dresses she ordered was extremely short and low at the top, she wore this to a family day out to an occasion where the dress was completely out of place. I didn’t say anything to her as she is really just finding her confidence with clothing and life in general told her I liked the pattern and colour etc and didn’t mention anything else.

However she recently tried to wear a pair of shorts out the house that are a very short style and also too small for her so very, very revealing at the back. I tried to tell her tactfully her that I thought they might a bit too short. When she didn’t take the hint and change I told her bluntly that she was wasn’t allowed out wearing them because they were too short.

Obviously this has now become a massive 14 yo drama, she won’t talk to me about it and now her dad (ex P) has got involved telling me I was cruel to to comment on them and I have crushed her confidence. He says I should have let her wear them out.

I feel like this is just a right of passage for teens and can certainly remember my mum telling me I couldn’t wear certain clothing out the house and I wasn’t scarred for life, I feel like as a parent and responsible adult I have a right to veto clothing outside the house if it’s really not appropriate. I did tell dd that I will buy her another pair in the correct size but she has refused saving she like these ones (btw this isn’t about weight/body composition she is very slim so I’m not saying she is too ‘fat’ to wear the shorts just that these ones are the wrong size)

AIBU to have told her she couldn’t wear them? How could I have handled this better?

Sadly fashion failures are a rite of passage.. .

Your ex needs to butt out and let you parent.

Did you try telling her that you can see her bum?

It's a tricky one. We are in the situation where I have had to find clothes suitable for a funeral which is almost impossible when everything is either oversized or over tight. My DD is a bit of a prude though so luckily she wears black tights with skirts/dresses. I do feel though there is a trend for everyone to wear 2 sizes too small.

I bought mine shirts to be worn under dresses, thankfully neither objected

I saw a woman at the mall with her teenage daughter, she looked 14 at most. Her shorts revealed quite a lot of her bottom hanging out. It did look entirely inappropriate, like child porn being paraded in the street.
I was very uncomfortable. I wanted to say something but couldn’t think of something on the spot that would make her think about what kind of message she is giving out walking around with her privates on display.

Sadly that seems to be the actual desired look. I passed a group of perhaps 14years old when we had nice weather. Jesus it was dreadful, im all for allowing women to wear what they want and no they weren't asking to be raped, but there has to be a level of decency...it's like the ultra tight leggings where you can see everything, and I mean everything..

Why are they too short or inappropriate? Men spend half the summer with their tops off and it's acceptable.
We've got into a situation where girls have to cover up for fear of what people might think.

This cannot be how we teacher our girls to behave.

And yes I have a daughter

There’s a difference between skimpy clothes ( it’s summer ) and shorts that show your arse, whatever age you are. Awful clothes are definitely a teen right of passage, but there’s a limit and she’s your child who you want to protect. Of course she’ll hate it, but you know what? Tough. She’ll get over it eventually.

I tried to tell her in a lighthearted way going she’s see the funny side!

She is just very sensitive to anything she perceives as criticism though so there was never any way to tell her that wouldn’t upset her, it was either let her get upset or let her wear them out and I wasn’t willing to let her wear them out!

Please say ‘child sexual abuse’, not porn. Children cannot be involved in porn, they cannot consent,

Sometimes we have to tell our children bluntly, not to hurt but to educate. In the future point out mannequins or other women's outfits or online things around the shopping centre and say why you like them. Drop things in like my mum used to 'legs or boobs, but not both' and other silly things.

Yanbu, I think it's your job to tell her if her clothes look cheap and tacky. I remember attending an event and a young teenage girl wore something completely inappropriate and looked so awful, you could see her parents looking very embarrassed and everyone clearly thinking why didn't they do anything.

You were going to comment on the appropriateness of clothing to a teenager that you don’t know?!

Why are you so scared of her? Tip toeing, hinting ? Just tell her straight that it's not a good look and why.

I will say though, part of the reason that my daughter is cautious is that she was sexually assaulted and harassed in Y8 by a boy in her year. Plus boys used to upskirt them. She won't wear a tight pencil skirt at school either

@katyN they weren’t just a short style which I would have let her wear without any question Her bum cheeks were actually on show because they were too small. I think the line has to be drawn somewhere, especially at this age where they aren’t fully aware of the implications. If she was younger and set on wearing too small shorts I’d probably let her wear them and if she was a bit older I’d see it as her decision. It’s just something about this age where their bodies are developed but they still needs guidance on life!

There needs to be a level of decency. And I know I will be shouted at when I'm going to say it does protect them a certain extent from perverts. And yes I know men should know better etc etc. But the reality is letting girls parade around with their arse out doesn't change male behaviour.

I know we should be teaching boys not to be inappropriate and telling girls where what you want. But that doesn't stop the weirdos really, does it?

I'm not saying girls /women wearing revealing clothes are asking to be raped. I'm saying it does protect them to a certain extent from people cat calling and making them feel uncomfortable.

I will be flamed. I don't care.

I would offer to video her walking from the back so she can check that she's happy with the look.

I live very close to a music venue and often see women walking by who probably looked great posing in the mirror at home, but bloody hell it doesn't work in motion.

Dressing appropriately for the occasion need to be learnt. So you need to teach her. Probably the easiest way is if you buy an equivalent pair for yourself to wear around the house!

That’s what I meant thank you.

I was yes. She looked so vulnerable.

I really wish more parents would veto what their dd are wearing out these days.
I can bet we’ve all looked at a teenager and thought “what on earth”.
My niece has been taught from a young age about self respect, not feeling the need to follow trends (that are there to exploit us) and well, not dressing like a street walker. (Age appropriately spoken about , and drip fed over the years as she’s growing up)
The trends are exploiting our girls, and we shouldn’t accept it imo. Children should be protected . They’re not children for very long. They can wear what they want when they move out.

OP I completely understand, said as a mother of a 14 year old dd who is going through the same thing.

It's a hard balance to allow them freedom to learn along with not wounding their very large 14 year old pride.

I like the idea of filming them from all angles so they can see exactly what everyone else will be seeing.

And reminding them it comes from a place of love and care and not because we hate them and want them to live like nuns in their bedroom for the rest of their lives.