Telling teenage dd that her clothing is too revealing

[MyDogsPaws]

My dd is 14 and recently bought herself new clothing with some money she was given, however as the new clothes have arrived and I’ve seen them in person I have been holding myself back from commenting on the “ appropriateness” of some of the items for example one of the dresses she ordered was extremely short and low at the top, she wore this to a family day out to an occasion where the dress was completely out of place. I didn’t say anything to her as she is really just finding her confidence with clothing and life in general told her I liked the pattern and colour etc and didn’t mention anything else.

However she recently tried to wear a pair of shorts out the house that are a very short style and also too small for her so very, very revealing at the back. I tried to tell her tactfully her that I thought they might a bit too short. When she didn’t take the hint and change I told her bluntly that she was wasn’t allowed out wearing them because they were too short.

Obviously this has now become a massive 14 yo drama, she won’t talk to me about it and now her dad (ex P) has got involved telling me I was cruel to to comment on them and I have crushed her confidence. He says I should have let her wear them out.

I feel like this is just a right of passage for teens and can certainly remember my mum telling me I couldn’t wear certain clothing out the house and I wasn’t scarred for life, I feel like as a parent and responsible adult I have a right to veto clothing outside the house if it’s really not appropriate. I did tell dd that I will buy her another pair in the correct size but she has refused saving she like these ones (btw this isn’t about weight/body composition she is very slim so I’m not saying she is too ‘fat’ to wear the shorts just that these ones are the wrong size)

AIBU to have told her she couldn’t wear them? How could I have handled this better?

I think I would have said they're too short and not added the bit about you can't wear them unless I had done everything first to try to get her to decide that for herself.

You did nothing wrong OP. Id view it exactly the same if a teen son was wearing his trousers too low with his underwear or bum on show, that would get a firm no from me too. Its nothing to do with whether they are girls or boys, its about educating young people about dressing appropriately, other people don't want to see it.
Those saying its accepted for men to go around with no shirt on? No its not, plenty of people find it inappropriate and distasteful. If they are too hot better to shade the skin with a loose cotton shirt.

This country needs more parents like you! Too many scantily dressed kids around these days it’s a bad look!

I'm in the same boat, too.

DD tells me she 'just wants to fit in' so I feel conflicted when I pull her up about it.

She spends most of her days in leggings and t-shirts but on occasion has pushed the boundaries which just ends in us falling out.

Take a photo and show it to her. She probably doesn't know what she looks like!

It's disgusting to read words along the lines of "they weren't asking to be raped". What the fuck? This has been said by two posters.

Is that an appropriate thing to say? Maybe think about how triggering that could be for people who just think they're reading about a young girl wearing shorts.

Please think about the words you use.

Personally I don't think that's appropriate either

I've had this recently with DD. She was really begging me to buy her those Nike Pro shorts that are not any bigger than pants as 'everyone else has them'. She's right, some of her friends do wear them but I just could not agree to them as she's only 12! I pointed out how they weren't much bigger than her actual underwear and would she walk around town in those? We settled on some other Nike shorts that were slightly longer (why are all the shorts so short these days??) and she came in recently and said she's glad she didn't get them as some boys were shouting things to her friend who was wearing them and it made her really uncomfortable.

I think a lot of the reasoning on why we won't allow our DDs to wear what they want is the unwanted attention/comments of usually older males. A sad but true reality.

Your her mother. Be blunt and set the boundaries.

I wouldnt have said anything tbh. We all.know kids go through a trashy phase, it's justnpartnof finding themselves.

When I see teen girls dressed like thank smile and roll my eyes thinking that ota great that they are enjoying their youth.

If the world was full of women, none of us would bat an eyelid. The concern is really abut pervy men sexualising teenagers. I won't support censoring girls just because of dirty blokes.

See I think this is a phase most teen girls go through, I’m 26 now but definitely went through this phase in my teens, so did my sister and all of our friends. My dad used to call them the “I’ll get the shotgun out and wait on the porch” shorts🤣 we all realised quite quickly that it wasn’t comfortable or flattering to wear them and decided ourselves that we’d buy the next size up!

No idea, OP, but it's something I think about a lot- we have really problems at the school I teach at where Senior staff have been very foggy about dress code for Sixth Form and some of them wear ridiculous things but because there's no policy they react terribly when you mention it, accuse you of policing their self expression and perving on children.

They think they're expressing themselves- it doesn't occur to them that someone has designed their outfit, someone has marketed it, lots of people making money from making them feel like having their body on display will make them feel accepted.

Also doesn't ever occur to them to question why clothes shops aren't full of arse shorts in the boys/ men sections...

I'm afraid that is you sexualising that 14 year old. Porn? How distasteful

What kind of message?

No 14 year old needs to be showing off there arse!! And no one wants to see it either.

Surely the conversation is “babe, I can see your bum cheeks, is that on purpose?”
If yes “why on earth do you think everyone wants to see your arse?!”
If no “well maybe put something else on to go out in”

My DD (19) chose some awful clothes at 14/15 as did I. I did refuse to buy certain items and said that I didn’t like a few of them. She earned some money pet sitting though so she sometimes spent that on clothes. She did realize that she got unwanted attention wearing them.

Now she’s got a better sense of what suits and fits her.

I don't think it is acceptable for a man to be shirtless and I don't want to see a man's bare chest either.

OP let her have her hissy fit. She'll get over it. She's 14 and you're her mum and you're only trying to guide her. She'll come to terms with it eventually.

I have to say I don't understand the trend of girls wearing skirts so short you can see their bum cheeks. It's very uncomfortable. It isn't a case of staring, I am near several schools at either end of my commute and there are frequently large groups of school children. It is in my line of sight to see girls ahead of me on the road and with some of them you can literally see their bum.

It's a shame because the boys look so much smarter. The girls are doing themselves a real disservice dressing so inappropriately at school and otherwise and let's face the only reason they do it is for attention.

You are definitely doing the right thing. Hell would freeze over before I let my 14 yo out with her rear end showing!

That's brilliant 👏 😀

She’s 14. You are mum. Quite within rights to say not suitable. She’s a child.
It sounds like a few tweaks and clothes were ok. Maybe agree she needs to try new stuff on to check it fits before taking tags off and you’ll help with returns eg the shorts a size up may have been ok.
Anything showing private parts like bum cheeks or those tight body suits that show camels hoof aren’t appropriate.

My niece as wearing shorts at the same age with her arse hanging out. I did not think they were appropriate. It seems like fashion of showing your flesh has gone a little too far. I know all previous generations have thought this but really, where does it end.

I'd just tell her straight. Ask what message she wants to be sending with her clothing, talk about what clothes are appropriate for different occasions, etc. And discuss some hard boundaries (ie no butt cheeks on display).

Yes it quite a step further from 60s style hotpants. Even they covered the arse and top of the legs.

You don't tend to see men with their butt cheeks hanging out of shorts, though.