Telling teenage dd that her clothing is too revealing

[MyDogsPaws]

My dd is 14 and recently bought herself new clothing with some money she was given, however as the new clothes have arrived and I’ve seen them in person I have been holding myself back from commenting on the “ appropriateness” of some of the items for example one of the dresses she ordered was extremely short and low at the top, she wore this to a family day out to an occasion where the dress was completely out of place. I didn’t say anything to her as she is really just finding her confidence with clothing and life in general told her I liked the pattern and colour etc and didn’t mention anything else.

However she recently tried to wear a pair of shorts out the house that are a very short style and also too small for her so very, very revealing at the back. I tried to tell her tactfully her that I thought they might a bit too short. When she didn’t take the hint and change I told her bluntly that she was wasn’t allowed out wearing them because they were too short.

Obviously this has now become a massive 14 yo drama, she won’t talk to me about it and now her dad (ex P) has got involved telling me I was cruel to to comment on them and I have crushed her confidence. He says I should have let her wear them out.

I feel like this is just a right of passage for teens and can certainly remember my mum telling me I couldn’t wear certain clothing out the house and I wasn’t scarred for life, I feel like as a parent and responsible adult I have a right to veto clothing outside the house if it’s really not appropriate. I did tell dd that I will buy her another pair in the correct size but she has refused saving she like these ones (btw this isn’t about weight/body composition she is very slim so I’m not saying she is too ‘fat’ to wear the shorts just that these ones are the wrong size)

AIBU to have told her she couldn’t wear them? How could I have handled this better?

Of course you should tell her if her arse cheeks are on show, ridiculous of your ex to suggest otherwise. There is a huge difference between skimpy and simply too small.

no Buttocks showing ! is a rule here in this house.. with my 13 year old.. the school skirt is a constant battle too.. she does wear dignity shorts under em.. at least that..

Great idea, love this!

A local teen learned a harsh lesson when my daughter rather too loudly "mummy I can see that girls labia majora". I was half proud she nailed the terminology and half mortified. Not as mortified as teen girl was tho.

Put those shorts on yourself and ask her what she thinks of them.

Well these responses are a nice relief. I was expecting a stream of posts saying women can wear what they like and anyone noting their buttocks hanging out are the perverts.

I often imagine the comedy of men wearing the same brief, poorly fitting ridiculous outfits that girls wear encouraged by the media and their peers. It's vicariously humiliating to see it

Yes have used this myself....it gives them some perspective

Theres a difference between light/minimal summer clothing, and extremely tight, sexualised clothing designed to draw attention to breasts/crotch/bum. It doesn't matter what you say, that sort of clothing is designed to reveal just enough titillate and its usually impractical.

You have to remember you are imposing what you wear in public on everyone around you and it's not appropriate for a child to be dressed like that.

I have a DD 15 and I am very comfortable saying things like 'bit too much showing, my darling' or 'that's probably tipping over into desperate looking' or 'heavens no'. She gets annoyed with me sometimes but then I much more frequently say things like 'what a cute outfit', 'you're slaying that' or 'you look really well put together today, what a classy girl!' I give her loads of compliments about being quick, funny, smart & caring too. It is our job to parent and that includes guidance. I wouldn't let my boys go out flashing their arses either.

I remember my mum saying I was dressed like a prostitute.

definitely no bum cheeks out though - much more covered than that. You’re right to guide her, she’s still almost a child

Girls and women can choose to wear what they like of course.
However I find it so depressing that at such a young age, that choice is to dress like a sex doll.
They are getting constant messaging that hypersexualisation is all they are worth and their only way to get approval.

Oh and its meant to be "impowering" as well.
So grim.

I think saying they are too small and she needs a different size would likely be taken by a teenager as you saying they are fat. They probably are the right size it just seems to be fashionable now to have tight clothing with bums and boobs hanging out. May have been better just saying they are too revieling so you are not wearing them.

Perhaps you need to explain the implications then. Leave the choice up to her but explain why you aren't so keen. Make it clear it's nothing to do with her appearance and solely to do with not wanting her to get unwanted attention from sleazy men. I mean if she's out in the daytime with friends she's not actually at risk of serious harm so it wouldn't hurt to let her learn for herself..but if you've prewarned her at least she will be better able to cope with it

Why go out with three quarters of your arse on display and complain when people stare, because they will stare, men AND women, because it looks bloody awful and smacks of Look at me!!!
How about a bit of dignity and self respect?

YANBU. Sometimes it just has to be said and as her mum, it's your job to say it. I do the same for my DD.

I walked up the stairs at a station recently. Ahead of me was a young teenage girl with shorts on so tight and small I could see her arse completely from the angle. How depressing that this is seen as empowering. It isn't. It is desperate and attention seeking of the wrong kind. It is antisocial in the same way that young men wearing their jeans under their arse. Grim.

My 15 year old step-daughter wore some bum cheek shorts. I commented about it and she said it was fashion.
The following day was her sports day so I appeared wearing some. She begged me to get changed. I did but I've not seen her wearing hers again either 😂

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It’s about what’s appropriate to wear at different times. Would I walk down the High Street in a bikini… no… but I would walk along the beach in one. I might wear a mini dress to a nightclub, but I wouldn’t to the office. Rules apply to adults as well as teens so she shouldn’t feel she’s being patronised.
You could perhaps even keep the shorts and say you’ll put them aside for holiday, by then she might have changed her mind anyway.
I remember once buying some silky purple underwear when I was a similar age and my mum flippantly saying “ok… but I wouldn’t have chosen it… purple is a prostitute’s colour”… I kept them but never wore them and I haven’t bought purple underwear since! She might pretend she doesn’t care but will be taking note of what you say.

You may have been better saying the shorts didn't fit. Perhaps suggest leggings under dresses/skirts that are a bit too short, some of the skirts they wear now barely cover their bum.

During the hot weather the style seemed to be sports bra and knickers, though several seemed to miss out on the 'sport' and basically went around in bra and pants.

I wouldn’t let my son or daughter go out in shorts that show their bum cheeks. It wouldn’t be fair on them. I find it sad that girls are sold this crap.

I was one of those teens who was allowed to wear whatever I wanted and in hindsight I wish I wasn't. I was so incredibly naive, I really had no idea that older men would be looking at me in a sexualised way. I never drew the connection between wearing a boob tube and low rise jeans with a thong showing and getting honked at by white van drivers. I just thought I looked cool like Britney Spears.

I remember vividly when my body started changing and realising that some clothes looked more revealing than I was really comfortable with, despite my outward bravado. At that age, I needed my parents to put their foot down, as it gave me a get out from a situation I would have tried to front out, but not actually felt comfortable with.

You’re right, OP. Ignore your silly ex.

Definitely worth a chat with DD about how she wants to be seen by all others - not just her mates. Also really important to know when/how to dress appropriately for occasions. It sounds like the outfit for the family event was really cringey.

It's so hard I can see I'm going to have to have the same conversation with my 14 year old, which is going to be even harder as she's autistic and really likes to fit in.

Your line, is your line.It is a safety thing but also they do just look a bit stupid and you do not want your daughter judged.

Been there with the yelling at the front door that you are not going out like that. Dh says ‘in the best possible taste’ like kenny Everett after the door has slammed.