Telling teenage dd that her clothing is too revealing

[MyDogsPaws]

My dd is 14 and recently bought herself new clothing with some money she was given, however as the new clothes have arrived and I’ve seen them in person I have been holding myself back from commenting on the “ appropriateness” of some of the items for example one of the dresses she ordered was extremely short and low at the top, she wore this to a family day out to an occasion where the dress was completely out of place. I didn’t say anything to her as she is really just finding her confidence with clothing and life in general told her I liked the pattern and colour etc and didn’t mention anything else.

However she recently tried to wear a pair of shorts out the house that are a very short style and also too small for her so very, very revealing at the back. I tried to tell her tactfully her that I thought they might a bit too short. When she didn’t take the hint and change I told her bluntly that she was wasn’t allowed out wearing them because they were too short.

Obviously this has now become a massive 14 yo drama, she won’t talk to me about it and now her dad (ex P) has got involved telling me I was cruel to to comment on them and I have crushed her confidence. He says I should have let her wear them out.

I feel like this is just a right of passage for teens and can certainly remember my mum telling me I couldn’t wear certain clothing out the house and I wasn’t scarred for life, I feel like as a parent and responsible adult I have a right to veto clothing outside the house if it’s really not appropriate. I did tell dd that I will buy her another pair in the correct size but she has refused saving she like these ones (btw this isn’t about weight/body composition she is very slim so I’m not saying she is too ‘fat’ to wear the shorts just that these ones are the wrong size)

AIBU to have told her she couldn’t wear them? How could I have handled this better?

Op she's 14 you absolutely did the right thing..I bloody hate those short shorts with my life. Many arguments in the house about clothes but I say it straight. If she doesn't like it tough... I remember when I use to feel stressed at those crop tops.. now I see how modest they were compared to the shorts...🤣🤣.. oddly thou.. the other day at the shops I had made a knot in my shirt and it was starting to ride up.. dd was telling me to pull it back and covering my back so no one could see...🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sorry didn't mean to quote.

Teens dressing like that is not a 'rite of passage' stop normalising it, yes everyone should wear what they like in an ideal world but sadly it's full of pervy sleazy disgusting types who will look at them sexually. I got through all my teenage years without wearing revealing clothing and same with my friends, and we had a great time.

I think it’s sad that in our patriarchal misogynistic society these are the clothes lauded as being trendy. I don’t blame the girls - they are teens and just want to fit in with their peers. Shame that to do so these are the “acceptable” clothes.

It’s really hard I have teen girls. I would never judge a girl or her parents. It’s horrible having to shoot them down and tell them their choice of outfit looks shit. That’s never going to be a fun relationship enhancing conversation is it. You get adult women years later remembering negative comments family members have made so you do have to be careful. Not easy.

Such a difficult topic.

I have two boys aged 17 and 14 and have never had to have a single conversation about them wearing anything too scanty / too revealing / indecent / not dignified / not classy / sexualised / no self respect / inappropriate / desperate / etc. All these descriptors have been used in this thread to describe the girls clothing choices btw. How many boys do you see going around with their bum cheeks hanging out? Zero. Wearing a low waistband does not compare. It might be inappropriate but it’s not socialised in the same way.

14/15 year old girls want to be noticed and to be sexually appealing - but aren’t old enough to handle the consequences of it. It’s a minefield.

She'll thank you later. I've got three adult daughters who all ask why I didn't stop them when they look at old outfits in photos.

It sounds as if you were tactful. Congratulations on parenting. Some people want to be like those X factor parents, telling their tone-deaf, talentless offspring that they're going to be a star. I don't think it does them any favours really. We are supposed to guide them to good choices after all and you criticised the outfit not her.

"I mean... You have a fabulous figure but you do realise everyone will be staring at your arse, don't you? And I include all the sleezy older men in that..."
My 15 year old didn't take offence and only wears tiny clothes at home and poolside now.

You’re spot on.

I do resent mothers of boys or very biddable girls giving their judgemental two penny worth. Walk a mile in my shoes. I would never dream of opining on boys gaming habits for example which is an issue I have never had to deal with but friends with boys have really struggled with.

Oh and the time my 14 year old got horrifically verbally sexually abused on a bus by a random old perve she was wearing her school tracksuit and not a scrap of make up.

You are not being unreasonable, you need to tell her that there are revolting grown up men that will possibly/ probably wank on the memory of seeing her arse.
It's not her fault, obviously, but that's the reality of our world

I completely agree with you

Don't be silly, he has every right to have an opinion on his daughter.

I think you can give an opinion ie. I'm not happy you leaving the house in those as they are revealing and as lovely as you look, men can get the wrong idea.

It is not only decency that is at risk, with some of these revealing styles the wearer is also open to ridicule. DH and I recently were close behind a girl with too tight and too thin bum hugger leggings in a queue for food. We noticed and I said quietly to DH that perhaps someone should tell her you could see everything but some other girls and an older couple were actually laughing and pointing, I felt so sorry for her.

That said, when I was in uni, my housemates and I frequently got honked/ cat calls because we were a few girls together. It happened when we were going on a night out in skirts and heels or if we were going walking along in jeans, hoodies and trainers - the men where the problem, not the outfits.

'Legs or boobs, not both' is definitely a rule.

There does seem to be a trend among girls for wearing VERY short shorts. Not entirely appropriate - however, I do think they're a little more forgiving worn with sneakers/Converse. Definitely NOT heels!

OP - Maybe you could compromise on this?

He has a right to his opinion, yes. But he doesn't get to tell the OP what her opinion should be.

YANBU just tell her it's not appropriate to walk the street with your arse cheeks out.

On a deeper level I think it's tough for us as mothers because we have probably all been victim to unwanted advances and pervy men (at the least). We know it isn't our fault, and we know we shouldn't have to dress modestly to prevent it (not that this is a solution anyway).

But we also know that it happens, and we want to keep our daughters safe from it, especially when they are so young and vulnerable.

So we want to protect them, without explicitly telling them that men may sexualise them, because we don't want them to feel like it's "on them" to stop creeps assaulting them, and we don't want to restrict them or their confidence.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness. It's a minefield.

Very normal for teenagers and no she won't be scarred for life by your objections! I used to go out with clothes over my very short skirt and whip them off once I was out of sight of the house to overcome my dad's objections! I wasn't really upset by their disapproval and quite enjoyed the drama of outsmarting them 😂 Don't stress about it, you're right to be honest with her, she'd probably know if you were lying anyway!

No, it's usually the crack. I've seen far more mens arse cracks than female arse cheeks. Even with the trend for beach thongs.

I don't know why anyone is entertaining the idea about modesty and protecting girls from perverts. The same girls will go to a family resort wearing swimwear and be subjected to it. Or will they, because somehow a woman's body is appropriate in a hiking at the beach but not tiny shorts in the high street. It's just a bloody bum.

Girls especially experience this shit no matter what and we are the generation that comes before them and we have a role in shaping the society we want to see. I want to see a world where a woman or child is not adjusting their behaviour or clothing to not feel at risk from men so I stand woth these girls and their right to dress how they like 100%.

Perverted men are the problem.

I hope anyone here who has been with a male making an observation on a females outfit have spoken up in their defense.

Men don't have breasts though, which, rightly or wrongly, are seen as sexual body parts in our culture, and therefore it's not a like for like comparison.

Boys generally aren't going around wearing shorts so short we can see their bum cheeks - and if they were, I think most people would find it just as inappropriate as when girls do it.

I remember saying to DD
Your bum is hanging out, was that the look you were going for?
She went and changed
I also drew the line at what was appropriate for a specific event but luckily it wasn't generally an issue.
I think keep it lighthearted but if its really inappropriate then say no.
As for your Ex he doesn't get to choose how you Parent (within reason of course)

I think it's important to let her know that some clothes aren't appropriate for certain situations. Rightly or wrongly, people are judged for the clothes they wear.

What's socially appropriate and what's not in different situations is one of these things that some teenagers pick up naturally whereas others need more guidance with it.

Battling this with DTs too. They wear Nike pros under their skirts. The skirts are rolled so short that you can see the pros. It seems to be the in thing.

Don't get me started on the primark seamless sets where you can see vulva and butt. I've put my foot down on those.

I've had this with my teenage daughter, I just told her that walking around with your bum cheeks out is going to attract attention that she is too young to deal with. She moaned a-bit but I just told her it's not up for debate, when she has a job and her own money she can wear whatever she wants but until then has to go along with my rules. I'm fine with the bum scrunch leggings/belly tops and short shorts to a degree, just not the shorts that could pass as a thong. In an ideal world we should all be able to dress as we please but that's not the world we live in unfortunately.

I get very worried for the young girls I see out and about who are basically just in what I would deem to be underwear. I am shocked at what I see sometimes and wonder what on Earth their parents are thinking? Surely they want to not only protect their daughters from inappropriate attention from certain types of males but to guide them in developing self-respect? Just as we wouldn't let them go out and about in soiled clothing and smelling of stale urine, we shouldn't allow our young girls out and about in clothing that is skimpy and immodest for similar reasons- it will affect how they are regarded and treated and for the worse! We love our children so we need to not only protect them from negative attention but help them develop such a good sense of their own worth that they do not even want to wear skimpy immodest clothing because they know they're worth so much more than being seen as a sex object! Also, why is modesty not seen as a positive thing anymore and why are those of us who are disturbed and even scandalised by immodest clothing, on males as well as women but especially on underage girls, told off as if WE were the ones with bad minds? All this "don't police what women wear " guff? How the heck can any of us "police" other people's clothing choices- we can't arrest and handcuff anyone can we! We can't stop their adults going out looking immodest and scandalising us but parents can and should stop their underage kids from doing so! We need to love our kids so selflessly, that we are prepared to risk being disliked and raged at by them to protect them from harm and their own immaturity and naivite. Young girls really do not understand how men are; they're innocent and need educating in an age appropriate way, which will at times include setting very form boundaries.
As parents though we not only have the right to tell our underage children how to dress and behave but have a duty to do so! I think something's gone badly wrong in our society when parents who are justifiably concerned for their children are too scared of setting appropriate boundaries with them, and are even condemned for trying to do so! It's a parent's job for crying out loud! Who wants their daughter's to be fantasy fodder for perverts? No caring parent wants that surely, so anyone shaming you for trying to set good boundaries and protect your daughter is the one in the wrong OP! YANBU!