Telling teenage dd that her clothing is too revealing

[MyDogsPaws]

My dd is 14 and recently bought herself new clothing with some money she was given, however as the new clothes have arrived and I’ve seen them in person I have been holding myself back from commenting on the “ appropriateness” of some of the items for example one of the dresses she ordered was extremely short and low at the top, she wore this to a family day out to an occasion where the dress was completely out of place. I didn’t say anything to her as she is really just finding her confidence with clothing and life in general told her I liked the pattern and colour etc and didn’t mention anything else.

However she recently tried to wear a pair of shorts out the house that are a very short style and also too small for her so very, very revealing at the back. I tried to tell her tactfully her that I thought they might a bit too short. When she didn’t take the hint and change I told her bluntly that she was wasn’t allowed out wearing them because they were too short.

Obviously this has now become a massive 14 yo drama, she won’t talk to me about it and now her dad (ex P) has got involved telling me I was cruel to to comment on them and I have crushed her confidence. He says I should have let her wear them out.

I feel like this is just a right of passage for teens and can certainly remember my mum telling me I couldn’t wear certain clothing out the house and I wasn’t scarred for life, I feel like as a parent and responsible adult I have a right to veto clothing outside the house if it’s really not appropriate. I did tell dd that I will buy her another pair in the correct size but she has refused saving she like these ones (btw this isn’t about weight/body composition she is very slim so I’m not saying she is too ‘fat’ to wear the shorts just that these ones are the wrong size)

AIBU to have told her she couldn’t wear them? How could I have handled this better?

There is a difference between teaching girls to cover up because of a fear of other people's opinions and supporting girls to reflect on what is driving their decision to display certain parts of their body.

The former is repressive whereas the latter is encouraging girls to actively consider the choices they are making.

I was at a friends BBQ recently and a young girl (16) had a very very skimpy outfit on - top and bottoms. It was laughed off as ‘that’s what teens do’ but considering the other guests were mostly in their forties it was gross to catch the men either looking or trying desperately not to be looking…..

I agree with PPs that some men will cat call women and girls no matter what they're wearing, it used to happen to me in my school uniform. However, certain outfits do put girls at greater risk of being targeted or objectified. It's horrible that this is the case but it's our job to make girls aware of this and not let them be so naive.

I think women and girls in general are far too naive about men. A survey last year found 1 in 6 men admitted they would have sexual contact with a girl under 18 if no one would find out.

🤮🤢

Unfortunately "butt out" seems to be the problem here.

*rite of passage
Nobody - boys, girls, men, women, the others, should have their arse cheeks hanging out in public. It's just wrong.

Can I just say WELL DONE! I would be exactly the same. I tell my daughter a few times a day how nice she looks, clothes hair make up. BUT when the day comes I will tell her tactfully then inform her she won’t be wearing it out the house. Iv seen girls and I’m shocked, Iv also heard others make comments. I wouldn't want my daughter commented on like that. These young girls are still finding themselves but it’s down to us to enforce what’s appropriate or not.

I could go into any high street in the UK and see literally scores of men with their bum cracks on show and their beer bellies hanging out.

What's the difference?

Because it's a young girl and men will leer at them?

Whose fault is that? The young girl wearing the current fashion or disgusting men?

Such hypocrisy!

It's so difficult, as a mum you want to "protect" them but it's so fucking unfair.

Google "What were you wearing" exhibitions. Heartbreaking and not a short short in sight.

I don't know the answer OP it's a minefield. But I let my daughter wear what she likes.

Google "What were you wearing" exhibitions. Heartbreaking and not a short short in sight

It's true that modest clothing doesn't protect you from sexual assault and that victim blaming is wrong.

However it is still the case that the more revealing the outfit the more attention you attract and the more likely you are to be a victim of cat calling etc. I know for a fact that if I walked out of my house in tiny shorts, knee high leather boots and a bikini top I would have a very different experience than if I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

I got cat called by 3 men in a row last year and was shocked as it hadn't happened in years. Got home, looked in the mirror and realised my top had gone see through in the wash.

It doesn't help teenage girls to deny this reality. If they still want to wear it then fine but they need to be able to make an informed opinion.

I know @palomatoast, I know!

But it's so unfair! Why should i have to tell a wee 14 year old girl that if you wear that outfit some men are going to sexualise you and you're going to get unwanted attention?

How can they make an informed choice?

That's not a choice.

It's an unsolvable problem if (some) men are allowed to behave in this way.

It's a difficult decision to make as a parent and I decided to let my daughter wear what she wanted. Definitely not saying it's the right one, but the one I felt was most beneficial for my daughter.

Why should she have to veto some clothes she wants to wear because of some lecherous men?

Twice in the last 2 days I have seen teenage girls who are at the stage where they are absolutely beautiful and fresh faced - still children but with developing bodies so some look quite womanly. Both were wearing tiny shorts, like pants quite frankly in my view with the bottom of their backsides showing.

I just felt horrified at how vunerable and sexualised they looked.

And yes men do ogle. Over ten years ago I was dating a bloke who was at that time late forties and he would actually rotate his head all the way round when an attractive young girl went by. When I tried to speak to him he became outraged saying none of his other partners had ever said anything. I used to feel mortified and horrified for the young woman who was getting oggled. We have long since broke up but the last few days when I saw these woman like children with such tiny clothes it made me think of him and how he would be utterly drooling over them.

I'm very glad I am old now and don't have to worry about this.

My mum used to tell me a story of when I was about that age and quite innocent really but well developed for my age. We were at a bus station and I had wondered off to look at something. My mum said this middle aged man was eying me up and it utterly gave her the shivers and a real feeling of danger just the way he was looking at me. She said she shouted me over so he would know I was not alone and gripped her umbrella a bit tighter in case she needed to use it as a weapon. Meanwhile I was totally unaware of him and had not even noticed him. It was a different time of course and I would have been dressed quite modestly as I was a shy teenager and no way would I have been allowed out dressed in anything revealing. Despite that the fact I was at that age of looking fresh faced and 'pert' meant I was being eyed up as a sexual object to the point my mum felt I was in real danger. This was in the middle of the day with people about.

That happens to us all the time don’t know why it’s the basis for a long remembered story. May even have said on this thread dd2 then 13 was verbally sexually assaulted on a bus wearing no make up and her black school tracksuit.

Women really are their own worst enemies.

The type of shorts op is talking about may be popular right now but wearing highly sexualised clothing like this is no more empowering or feminist than wearing a burqa / niqab.

Both are designed around the needs/ wants of men in either culture. There is nothing feminist or body confident about flashing your arse cheeks to the world.

No child should be allowed out in clothing that revealling and you're doing them no favours in allowing it. It's indecent.

Poem by Ogden Nash: from about 1960, America:

"Sure, deck your lower limbs in pants,
Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.
You look divine as you advance:
Have you seen yourself retreating?"

My 15 year old got given a pair of denim shorts, her bum cheeks were on show at the bottom.
“You can see your bum not a chance are you leaving the house in them”…. Not a chance would I of allowed her to walk outside in them

When I was younger fashion hints came from magazines and occasional pop videos.

Nowadays it seems to be pop videos and Internet influencers. It may seem sexy prancing around in extremely short skirts with your bra and pants on show on a video, not so much waiting on a bus on the high street.

Lots of girls around here seem to be wearing bra tops and tight pants. I suspect they're meant to be cropped tops and sports shorts but they look more like lingerie. I know you shouldn't comment but I'd be equally wierded by the sight of boys going around in budgy smugglers, fortunately they don't it seems to be a girls thing.

It isn’t just adult men. I had a school friend who developed quite early, in particular she had very large breasts for her age. The teenage boys in the neighbourhood made her life a misery, often yelling at her stuff like ‘are those real? ‘ One day after school she was in a phone box (remember them? this is before mobile phones) making a call to her mum. She was just in her school uniform, regulation length skirt and no make up. A group of about half a dozen teenage boys surrounded the phone box and started banging on the glass and shouting obscenities at her. We had had Games class that afternoon so she had her tennis gear with her. She just saw red, picked up her tennis racket and came out swinging! Fortunately they were just silly boys so ran away as soon as she started swatting them 😂 But that was 40 years ago. With social media pics teenage boys don’t have to be anywhere near their targets to make their lives hell, and they can do so anonymously. Also sexual assault in schools is on the rise due to easy access to pornography, the promotion of toxic masculinity and hypersexualised fashion. It is not feminism, and it certainly isn’t safe, to dress exclusively for the male gaze. Despite what anyone claims it’s obvious that’s what these micro bikinis are for.

I don't think l there's harm in telling a teen that an outfit isn't appropriate. My dad used to chase me back upstairs to change out of my bum skimming dresses.

Love this

I thin lk schools are part of the issue here. They have such draconian rules about tiny things like socks and the colour of hairbands, and they insist on kids wearing toes and blazers when very, very few workers do this these days, yet they let girls wear skirts that barely cover their modesty. I drive to work past a school and I see arse
cheeks and the gusset of tights every day. This isn’t about body shaming but we seem to have lost all sense of the appropriate.

I have a 13 year old DD - she’s not allowed to wear shorts that show her bum - one pair she has are now too small (she’s developed rapidly since last year) and I simply said - ‘ I can see your butt cheeks - you’re not wearing those out - go change into other shorts!’ So she rolled her eyes , stomped off upstairs and changed.

You need to be absolutely blunt and tell her it's vulgar. We would love to live in an ideal world where we can have our arses hanging out and men would think 'that's a confident woman who wants to show her ass, good for her' but we don't. And she's not even a woman she's a girl! I was an idiot at 15 and rolled my skirt up ridiculously high when I left the house and I never received more attention from men over 30 than I did at 15 years old in that ridiculous skirt. Girls have to be aware of the unfortunate world we live in. I am very surprised her dad doesn't agree with you, usually it's the other way around. Girls need to learn that body confidence is not about showing loads of flesh but about the way you carry yourself. Unfortunately no one could have told me at that age, and I was lucky I didn't find myself in worse situations. Perhaps you could approach it in a way that doesn't make her think you're completely against it. On the beach is fine but around town isn't etc...As I said I don't know, my mum was a bit strict so not sure I would have listened anyway. I totally agree with you now I'm a mum too!

Yep agree completely with @mummyrolling2014

No, nothing stops the weirdos.

Look up (or actually don't look up) school uniform fetish, nun fetish, mumsy/ housecoat fetish, and you will see that every single clothing choice women and girls make can and will be sexualised.

I remember one of the scariest things that ever happened to me. I was about 18-19 so not a young teenager anymore. I was dressed very normally and quite modestly in jeans, cardigan, jumper etc. It was the eighties and cold so there was nothing revealing about my clothing at all.

I had travelled on the last train on a Sunday night from Glasgow to Dundee where I was at uni. The train was reasonably busy and I wasn't worried when I got on it at Glasgow. At Dundee where the train ended its journey and so everyone was getting off I must have been one of the last people off. All of a sudden the train station got deserted as people made their way out of the station and I was sort of at the back of them. It was about 10.30 at night. Strange how quick it went from feeling safe and busy to suddenly deserted and creepy. Anyway Dundee station for those of you who have never been to it - the platform was down a set of stairs and you had to go up those stairs to get to the main station part. Halfway up the stairs a man stopped me and was being a 'funny bugger' refusing to let me past. He was sort of joking with me but my female senses were screaming danger, danger, danger. I was aware the station platform behind me had suddenly gotten darker and so my train must have been one of the last ones in that night and so perhaps they were shutting off the platform lights. I was utterly terrified. It would have been so easy for that man to force me back down the stairs and rape me or worse and I'm pretty sure based on his behaviour he was actually contemplating something like this. Weighing up the odds of getting away with it v getting caught and would it be worth it. Anyway he must have decided it was too risky or perhaps his conscience got the better of him and he decided to let me pass and up the stairs.

I ran the whole way across the station bridge which takes you to the city centre and it was only when I got back to my student bedsit that it fully hit me how vunerable I had been and how I was almost certainly in a huge amount of danger. When I hear of girls getting raped, murdered and worse I always think that it was probably the one time in my life I ended up potentially one of these girls and yet i was a very sensible, boring teenager who dressed conservatively and didn't even wear makeup.

The point of this huge post (sorry!) is that young girls do not realise how much danger they are in all the time. Even dressed conservatively and being shy I was still a target having found myself slow to get off the train letting the crowds disperse. I'm old now and I think back to that being a moment in my life where it really could have changed everything and yet I really was not a teenager who ever flaunted herself or walked home alone or went anywhere by herself in the dark. I thought I would be safe at a reasonably big train station on a Sunday night but clearly not.

If young women could see inside the minds of these predators (and even the so called 'nice' men) I think they would be very frightened and realise that wearing sexualised clothing is like a red cloth to a bull. I know females should not have to dress to protect themselves from men and men should just behave but the reality is young women (who are beautiful, fresh faced but really quite innocent and naive to the ways of the world) are utterly vunerable to men and they have no idea. They think it's exciting or fun to get mens attention by flaunting themselves in teeny clothes but it's actually quite dangerous.

I have started now that when I see a young girl around that 12-18 age group I look not at her but at the men around her and I see them all literally lusting over what they would do to her and it is scary! Strangely it's not boys their own age it's men in their forties and fifties who seem to be the most predatory with their leers.

I had the misfortune to find myself in a relationship with a man who it turned out was addicted to online pornography. This was about 15 years ago (so no doubt it is much worse now with smart phones etc). Anyway this man was in his forties and so had grown up before the internet and yet despite this he had gotten addicted to watching it. Because of this I sort of ended up reading and learning lots about online pornography and as I'm sure you all know there is a huge presence of 'barely legal' 'teen' etc categories on these sites. So men are actively seeking out porn where the actress looks younger than she is. She will be 18 or 19 probably but of slight build and young looking so could pass for say 15. This means mens brains are associating these young girls of '15' with being fully sexualised adults who are doing all these porn type things. I think years ago when porn was magazines on the top shelf and videos it was bad enough as obviously it was still young women in them. However now there seems to be a huge drive to potray women as young teenagers indulging in all kinds of awful sexual stuff. So where men used to see a 14 girl as a child and thus off limits they are now seeing them on porn sites and so they are associating real life teenagers with being sexually available and no longer off limits.

Of course there has been a huge amount of stuff in the press about items on sites like pornhub where the content is actual rape or someone who has been trafficked and I'm quite sure in the cases like this the girl may well be under 18 for real.

Horrifying stuff!