Help rid me of this weird woman - please!

[Justcouldnotbitemytongue]

Apologies this is a bit long 😬. DH & I live in a v remote & rural part of the country, we took early retirement & moved here a few years back. It’s a lovely place & we’re happy & settled. The few (distant) neighbours we have are all nice. Friendly but not too friendly IYSWIM. DH & I go out now & again to the only pub round here & it’s always a good night.

A couple of years ago Zoe & Dan (not their real names) moved here, about five miles from us. He’s ok but I struggle with her. We’re roughly the same age but we have zero in common. She’s very right wing - pro fox hunting/blood sports, hates migrants & people on benefits. She’s not the sharpest pencil in the box & boasts that she’s never read a book in her life. Also believes weird conspiracy theories she reads on Facebook. Can drive but won’t so Dan has to take her everywhere. Consequently she’s stuck in the house a lot as he works part time. We’re chalk & cheese.

She’s started to text me & ask if they can join us in the pub. Hard to say no really - it’s a pub. Plus I know she hasn’t really got anyone else round here & I do (did!) feel a bit sorry for her. Because of the geography there’s a very small pool of potential friends.

Last night was a disaster - worst ever by a mile. She seemed a bit manic/hyper when we got there. I wondered if she was on something but she just kept saying she was excited as she hadn’t been out of the house for ages. At the best of times it’s hard to have an adult conversation with her but last night was terrible. Another couple who were there left as soon as decently possible. The DH’s talk about sport & get on pretty well but it’s impossible to talk as a four which would help dilute her. She just interrupts all the time, talks over them & paws at my arm to get my attention.

I’m pretty patient, & always put forward a reasonable view to balance her almost fascist opinions. Try also to not look at my watch too much. Everything I said last night she just laughed at weirdly & loudly. I asked her what was so funny & she just kept laughing - almost hysterically. It was so embarrassing. Like being back at junior school.

Later a woman was in the pub & sat behind me. Zoe was hyper - again pawing me & saying “look, look!! That’s a man isn’t it? They’re trans aren’t they? Go on look, look now!“ I snapped (v rare) & said a bit too loudly & sharply that she was being really rude & to stop it. She literally put on a pet lip.

Fast forward to the end of the night & I said we were heading home. Why? She asked. Because it’s nearly midnight & I live there I replied. Why? She again asked. Why do I live at home or why is it midnight? Why she just repeated “why”. On a loop. Whenever I said anything she just said why. I snapped again & said FFS Zoe you’re acting like a fucking toddler. Pet lip again.

Said goodnights, she said she’d had a lovely time 🙄. Meanwhile we headed in opposite directions. Me seething.

Congratulations if you’ve got this far btw.

Anyway - I couldn’t stand another night like that. So do I say something or do I just keep dodging her & her invites until she gets the message. It’s really spoilt the nice times we used to have there but I am not wasting another evening of my life listening to her spout that rubbish. The trouble is we’re a small community & do rely on each other. I’d also rather not fall out with anyone but how do I get shot of her without doing that?? I absolutely do not want to be friends. She maybe has one other person locally who messages her occasionally but that’s it. She’s NC with two of her three children (or maybe they’re NC with her) if that’s relevant.

So come on - please give me a steer, should I start dodging her messages & making excuses or should I just tell her I don’t enjoy her company?

You are not being unreasonable - start dodging.
You are being unreasonable- just tell her straight.

I cannot bear people touching me to get my attention or to emphasise a point. I have no filter and usually end up shouting "don't touch me!" so I feel your pain.

TBH I would block her number.

Nah I just couldn't be bothered

We do have trans people in the country you know! 🙄

Grim. If she wants to meet you in the pub just say you will see them there. Be distant. If she asks just say that your viewpoints are too different and you don't want to fall out.

Honestly shocked that we've got this far into the thread without someone telling you off for being 'intolerant of opposing viewpoints' - there will be one along in a minute.
It sounds like cocaine to me.

The trouble is we’re a small community & do rely on each other.

Why? What do you rely on her for?

I shouldn't laugh but the way you described your evening was very entertaining OP 😆
It sounds so fecking awful!
You're not being unreasonable at all. If I was you I wouldn't want to get saddled there. Not sure how you avoid it though - up to the point someone really annoys me, I'm absolutely rubbish at that stuff. Beyond that point, well, still a bit rubbish...
I recently got collared doing the front garden by a passing woman.
She was chatting away. 'That's nice' I thought for the first 5 minutes...
Over 1 hour later I'm still stood in my gardening gloves, wondering what on earth she's talking about and if she's ever going to leave.
So much weird 'woo' and massive oversharing about really strange things. She was quite intense, lots of staring and meaningful pauses... bit unsettling when you just want to do a bit of mowing and you need a wee but someone's giving themselves a therapy session in your flowerbed 😶
In the end DH noticed that I was stuck and made up some crap about someone ringing me. I legged it inside just as she was saying that she'd come back another time!
Anyway, thought I'd dodged a bit of unwanted future contact there, but she's been putting notes through the door 😩
Worst bit is she knows where I live so I'm going to have to do my best MN hiding 😕😬

Pet lip is stick your bottom lip out when sulking. I think it's a NE England saying.

Sorry if already answered, but how does she have your phone number to text you?

Be permanently unavailable.
Turn down any further invitations with no explanation given.
Stay just the right side of rude.
Make sure that your DH is fully aware that you never want to spend time with her again.

I've never heard of a ''Pet lip'' either.

Does it use a litter tray, and is it microchipped?

You’re going to see her again without a doubt so you’ll have to be blunt. If she asks if you’re going to the pub on Friday, tell her no, if she turns up anyway, tell her you’re chatting to x. If she insists on muscling I’m on your conversation, tell her “Zoe, I don’t want a repeat of last week, we have nothing in common and I disagree with every view you have” Get up and move away from her. If she hassles you tell the landlord, she’ll have a word to Zoe to leave you alone or tell her to leave. Perhaps mention in advance to the rest of your friends. Put on a united front.

We live very rurally and I still couldn’t imagine on feeling like I had to be nice to someone who was so rude.

Just tell her that last night was too much and that you aren’t going to repeat it. Then ghost her which isn’t hard when you have so much distance between you).

One of my rules for a happy life is not to bother interacting with frothing loons.

I usually say I don't engage online with the mind of tiresome bores I would avoid in the pub.

You don't have anything in common. Just tell her that and ignore her from now on. I imagine it's perfectly clear to everyone else what she's like.

Nobody reasonable would expect you to put up with the pawing and the repeated whys.

I knew when I read the OP that there'd be a string of comments asking "what is a pet lip??", complete with confused emojis. People have zero inference skills. It's extremely obvious from the context provided what is meant by "pet lip", even if you haven't heard the expression before.

Anyway. I'd just ignore the woman, OP. I'd stop replying to texts and if she corners you when you're out then I'd make something up about changing your phone number. You're going to have to be prepared to be blunt to the point of rudeness because there's no other way of dealing with people like this. They don't take hints and will try and bulldoze every boundary you put in place.

I wouldn’t ask her husband if anything was wrong. Frankly he might say “yes, she has…..and really struggles with friendships, that’s why we’re glad to meet you”. Then you’re really stuck! I would just be unavailable until she gives up or asks you what is wrong. If she does you can just say I find some of your views and behaviour upsetting and while it’s lovely to say hello etc, I think we’re too different to be friends.

Oh dear. We wouldn't get on either. I am a clause 4 Bennite socialist, which means I am also a Brexiteer (it goes with the territory) and back nationalisation of utilities and some transport. I support fox hunting (hunting in general, in fact, and I'm not that keen on fox hunting but hunting for food and keeping down vermin are both high on my list of useful things - and my late DH used to hunt when he was a small farmer, hares, rabbits - and to protect all you must support all, my DS like shooting (air rifles at tin cans, so nothing too lethal) and has taught his DS and DD). I think immigration needs controlling because the country I live in cannot take the weight of infrastructure needed for a population that has nearly doubled in 40 years (only 14% countryside now, according to some) and also unlimited immigration that does not support the local culture (women's rights, workers' rights, freedom of religion, rule of law and not of men, that people wear what they like, etc and don't get raped because they look like prostitutes) will destroy that culture. I am also GC, which means though I won't be pointing out loudly a TiM, I will object to him being in the ladies' loo. I don't hate people on benefits - which tends to mean one-parent families in my experience - but do think they need targetting better, e.g. all parents, working or not to get support for childcare which they can use for nurseries or SAHM, as they choose.
I don't know what sort of pencil I might be, but I suspect we might struggle to have a conversation in the pub. Or maybe not - we could discuss other things: gardening, food, Richard III (interest of mine), travel, women's rights maybe?
The point I am making is that she might not be as weird as you imagine. The other point is that you live in a rural area and people are your resource. You probably need to try to get on with her - she might share more views with your rural neighbours than you think - esp. re hunting, which tends to be a rural thing; foxes are not welcome in hen houses, nor seagulls among the lamb. They may all think you are weird. Just a thought.

How did she get your number in the first place?

I'd just block her; if she ever confronts you just say "really? I didn't see the text.."
You don't owe her any explanations and you are not responsibile for mitigating her social isolation.

She sounds very unpleasant and frankly as though she has some medical issues.

Just withdraw and play dumb. She'll find a new victim soon enough.

I would be irked with your husband for talking sport while you were left to be her mark - he could have changed the conversation around and helped you out a bit.

Jesus love, it wasn't about you!
OP, just ghost her, she's all flavours of weird.

PARKLIFE

Even if Zoe behaved like an adult instead of a mad child, I would have told her to fuck off as soon as the borderline fascism started to surface. I just don't hang out with people like that. She's entitled to her opinions but you don't have to give her opinions airtime. And I guarantee she's airing them for attention - again, part of the childish behaviour pattern.

She actually sounds uncannily like a woman I used to work with, except the woman I worked with wasn't, thank god, a far-right conspiracy nut. She did have the childish, loud, attention-seeking, arm-pawing behaviour pattern though, and she was also one of those people who will deliberately say weird, stupid or obnoxious things for attention and then giggle like a stupid five-year-old and/or cry when people had a go back at her. She literally used to do things like kicking the back of someone's chair to wind them up, or throw little bits of paper at them like a kid.

Honestly, I would just ignore any future texts from her from this point on. If you bump into her and she asks you face to face why you're ignoring her, then I would tell her very clearly that you don't want to spend time with her because, as she might remember from last time, you simply don't find her to be pleasant company. I do think you need to be as blunt as that, if it comes to it.

This

Ok, I'm possibly a horrible person.

But next time she asks if you're going to the pub, I'd reply 'yes we think so...probably be there 8ish'.

Then don't. Just don't turn up that evening.

She & Dan can either have a date night or she'll glom on to someone else.

When she messages you asking 'whyyyyyy...' just say you got distracted & decided you CBA.

She's not being ditched as such - she's out with her dh in a village pub. But you'll have made it clear that she's not a priority, you'll be polite if you see her but going out as a quartet is not a thing.

You might need to do it a couple of times to break her grip, but just vague/avoidant/polite but unresponsive should do it fairly quickly.

That was a fucking long-winded way of making a moot point.

I'm waiting for neurodiversity to be suggested!