Me or friend

[Badassbreastfeeder85]

I went to visit my friend (L) with my 12 yo DS and 14 month old DD. Me and L have been friends about 20 years. She's recently had a guy (B) move in with her, she's known him 2 years after he messaged her on FB and they've had an on/off sexual relationship for 2 years,not exclusive and they now work for the same company. Prior to Saturday I've met him briefly 2 or 3 times,he's met my DD once. She had a contact nap and when she woke I went for a wee,I came downstairs to find DD laying on B lap and he'd finished changing her nappy, L was in the kitchen cooking,it's open plan flat but she was busy and had her back to the room. I was stunned,I stayed for a little while longer,on the drive home it bothered me significantly and the next day I messaged to say I found it inappropriate and unnecessary. She has reacted by saying some hurtful things and blocked me.
AIBU

What is your plan op
What do you intend to do about the situation

So I haven't actually told her dad,I imagine he wouldn't be happy, we don't live together and he's only changed her nappy once when I was feeling poorly last month! (Our relationship was a bit rocky after she was born and like you say not a lot of men are desperate to change a nappy and he always says I do it much better 🙄) so I feel a bit weird that an adult man has seen her genitals for no necessary reason, he's not a doctor for example

Deary me.

IMHO, it's inappropriate for anyone, male or female, to change a child's nappy unless the parent is asked first. Naturally, there are exceptions for relatives like grandparents, aunties/uncles, etc and very close friends if the nature of the relationship is that it would be OK to do so.

And I would NEVER give permission to a 3rd party. If someone (male or female) said to me "XX nappy is wet, shall I change them?" I'd either say that I'd do it myself (if I'd changed that child before) or I'd say "Ask XX's mum if she wants you to do it".

Frankly I'm surprised the man did it, considering the general atmosphere surrounding unrelated males and children these days. He could be as paternal and innocent as the day is long, but even so it's not a good idea to open himself up to suspicion by doing so. He badly misjudged our times if it was meant as a helpful gesture.

Did OP's friend overreact? Yes and no. She may be 100% positive that her friend isn't a paedophile, but she still should be understanding of OP's concerns.

OP - I get why you think it's inappropraite and totally agree with you. I think your friend is batshit crazy and has some serious problems with healthy boundaries.

BUT, I would now let this go. IYour friendship with this woman may not recover - she's clearly livid at you for even daring to suggest this was inappropriate, but as I said, that's on her and her poor boundaries, not you. In the meantime, your DD IS fine. You know you won't be leavnig her alone with this friend or her BF ever again (if you do manage to rekindle the friendship) and you are reassured that you are not wrong to have said that you weren't comfortable with it.

I wouldn't put any more thought into it. You'll drive yourself crazy thinking about his motivations etc. The key point is that he couldn't do anything to her, and he won't get the opportunity ever again.

So obviously I told my friend I felt uncomfortable with it,I've also filled in a Sarah's law request, police called yesterday and I'm going in to have a face to face meeting with them Friday. I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn't making a mountain out of a molehill, my other best friend works in probation with sex offenders and she is of the view it's a huge red flag and is inappropriate and she told me to do the Sarah's law request

Good.

Ime if it walks like a duck...

Completely weird behaviour. Hiding in plain sight though, isn't he? I would keep well away from her too if that's her reaction.

Good for you op. 👍

I have two children (grown), I have nieces and nephews and friends children etc and I have never once in all those years changed any nappy other than my own two. You’d have to drag me kicking and screaming to change the nappy of a child that wasn’t mine.

Well done op
That's what I would of done

Sounds off… why would you want to change a baby’s nappy when there is an option to wait a few mins when the mum will be back? Changing nappies is a pretty gross job, esp when it’s not your child.

Suspect, if you ask me.

My sister is 10 years younger than me and if my mum was out my Dad used to pay me to change her nappy😆
Although his defence it was back in the days of terry nappies and he was worried about stabbing her with the pins.
That was his excuse anyway 🤣

Well done OP.

Well done @Badassbreastfeeder85 👏

Very fucking weird behaviour.

I'm fairly chilled and I wouldn't even change a good friend's baby's nappy without checking in with the parent first, unless I was explicitly in charge of looking after them for the day.

IMHO, it's inappropriate for anyone, male or female, to change a child's nappy unless the parent is asked first. Naturally, there are exceptions for relatives like grandparents, aunties/uncles, etc and very close friends if the nature of the relationship is that it would be OK to do so.

unfortunately some of those exceptions are where abuse does happen, it’s often in the home and from someone known.

Well done for reporting OP.

It sounds as if both your friend and her bf were judging you over the length of time between nappy changes (taking this from him telling her it should have been done hours ago), as she was the one who told him it needs changing as soon as you left, and being a parent he's just done it.

HOWEVER it is 100% inappropriate and I would be very uncomfortable if anyone took it upon themselves to change my child. So while I think in this situation it wasn't anything untoward, no one should ever overstep that boundary and it's worrying your friend can't see your point of view.

I would go ahead with the Sarah's law request to be on the safe side in case your friend is covering for him and didn't actually tell him it needed changing, but even if you manage to get your friendship back on track, I would not be trusting her to look after my baby seeing as she clearly doesn't have any safeguarding concerns around people simply because she happens to like them. Not only the baby but your other DC too.

@ImNotGivingAwayMyShot 👌

No one should be changing your child's nappy unless you give instruction to do so.

You have done the right thing OP.

The nappy wasn't dirty at all though.

Completely agree.
It's that off feeling that you have that tells you it's crossed a line.
Regardless of the outcome of your meeting with police, I would keep all your kids away from this household while he is around.
Sorry you've been put through this

Behave. OP is within her rights to want to choose who changes her daughter, and some random bloke is totally inappropriate. If you can't see that, perhaps you need to educate yourself.

I think if you were looking after them for the day that conversation would have been had. If not I (personally) would have texted the parent first just to be sure (although the nature of looking after a child all day it would be weird not to have permission).

Sounds well dodgy op