Inheritance argument with DP

[Closie]

I’ll start with some background. DP and I have been together for 14 years, lived together for 10. We were both married before and had a son each from our previous relationships. His son is 28, my son is 27. I got divorced, my ex is alive and involved with DS always has been. DPs wife passed away.

Our current home is the home DP and his wife bought together before their son was born. When his wife died the life insurance paid off what was left of the mortgage, covered his sons uni costs and took them on holidays etc.
When I got divorced we sold our marital home, I saved my half and lived in a rental for 6 years as I couldn’t afford a mortgage alone. The money I saved has since been used for DS’ uni costs and gap year.

DP has decided we need to get our wills in order and a point of contention is the house we currently live in. He believes it should be left to his DS in entirety when we both die, his argument being that it was paid for first by his and his late wife’s hard work, then by his late wife’s life insurance so I haven’t actually contributed anything. I disagree, I’ve lived here for 10 years which has prevented me from having an asset of my own and I’ve contributed to upkeep and repairs. I think at the very least it should be 25/75 though ideally 33/66. We have agreed though that however it is split I should be allowed to continue living here if he were to die first.
He also thinks we should leave everything else we have (life insurance or pensions) to our respective children, I think I’m ok with this.
Now I’m not sure if this is clouding my judgement so I will mention that his
DS has recently inherited from his grandparents on his mother side, a 7 figure sum with which he has bought a house outright. Now I know that technically isn’t relevant but it certainly influences how I feel.

So AIBU to think the house should be split between our children in some way, or is he right?

Living in the house has not prevented you from having your own asset. You chose to spend the proceeds from the sale of your marital home on your ds. There is nothing wrong with that. You could have chosen to invest the money in some other way besides buying a property.

Maybe now is the time to start thinking about the future. For your own financial security as much as anything else.

Hi OP. I can see both sides of this. My feeling is that you won’t change his mind in this. I suggest that you talk calmly, perhaps even plan and write down what you want to say.

You need to accept the house won’t be yours, but given that you have essentially given your all to the partnership for a number of years and although you aren’t married, you live like a married couple and are seriously concerned about your quality of life in the event of his earlier death.

If he feels the same way as you do about him he will accept the need to make provision for you. Whether this takes the form of a life policy, a savings pot, or perhaps a life interest in the property, I’m not sure, whatever is realistic and works for you both.

If he seems happy for you to be homeless (not necessarily your current home in question, but means to put a roof over your head) after his death, well unfortunately that speaks volumes as to how he sees you and your relationship.

But you need to accept that the house is emotive to him and his boys and is tied up with his late wife’s memory.

The reason people get well off is because they manage their spending and earning.

Somewhere along the line your SS family has earned more than they have spent and so have savings to pass down to your partner's son.

You haven't. It's too late for him, to be honest. You really need to work on your own financial security.

I'm with your partner on this. The house was paid for before he even met you. You can live there until you die.

Judging by the age of your kids I'm guessing you're around mid 50s. You could end up living together for 40 years and him not leaving you a penny. I think that's harsh personally.

Does you being part time benefit your partner? Ie do you do more housework so he can concentrate on his well paid job. If so he should really help you build up some wealth for yourself.

I would sit down and explain your situation and how you're worried about having a small pension and savings and how you've gone part time to support him. See if you can work out a plan together.

He doesn't have to leave you the house, but a legacy would be very helpful and the right thing to do I think.

He’s giving you a life interest in the house. That’s fair enough. When you’re gone of course it should go to his son. The DSS’s inheritance is irrelevant except that it might mean he’ll leave you in peace to live out your years in the non marital home.

I would think that 50% of the house is already his kid (his mum shared) and the other 50 is his. In a marriage situation a half of that 50 would belongs to you and you can pass it to your child. You are not married therefore you own nothing on that house.
I think he is right.

General decorating doesn't count as home improvements, just every day wear and tear. What you have contributed may cover your share of this or not.

Having "a nice ten years" instead of saving what you'd have spent on rent was quite rightly your choice to make, but it was a choice and it's not really up to your OP to replace that sum by leaving some of his house to your DS - especially when DS has already been generously funded by you

Since you're not married it seems you've got a pretty good deal already if he's leaving you a lifetime interest in the house, and if you want more it's really up to you to increase your earnings/savings yourself

This. The house is his and should pass to his son.

Your DS may benefit from his father's estate and from his own GPs. Money that won't go to your partner's son. You also aren't married to your DP.

'I’ve lived here for 10 years which has prevented me from having an asset of my own' - how so? Nothing has stopped you buying an investment property. This is an empty excuse.

TBF, you sound jealous of his DS's inheritance.

I think the allowance that you live in the house should your DP pass away is exceedingly generous. His DS will be denied his inheritance for the span of your life.

I'm also with your DP. I'm fairly certain the poor woman who died would want her life insurance going to her son, not someone she's never met. As I'm sure any mother would. Isn't that our greatest fear, leaving behind our children at a youngish age - she deserves for her life insurance and work prior to go to her child.

By all means work out what you've spent on upkeep but I highly doubt it comes to anything like 33% of the house value. A token amount maybe.

I agree with pp, the time to have this conversation was 10 years ago.

The question to ask yourself @Closie is - did your DP resist marriage to you because it would have given you rights through marriage to his property that his late DW and he had shared memories in, became his outright asset on her sad demise and that he knew would eventually go to his DS as an inheritance? I think you can be sure some of that thinking will have crossed his mind over the years.

If you have contributed money to the house (in form of day to day bills and money towards renovations or updates) and lived there for years, I think that should he die before you, you should be able to live in the house until you pass away.

In terms of you/your child getting some of the house I think something like a 80/20 split would be fair, unless you've paid for a large two story extension in it's entirety or something like that.

If you're not paying into a mortgage you could have saved for the last 10 years.

Had you gone onto buy a house together it would be different, but sounds like this was really paid for by the life insurance from his late wife.

Sorry, another one on your DP's side. You have no rent or mortgage to pay, so have financially benefitted hugely over what your income would have allowed if you were renting/owned your own place. He has offered a lifetime interest, which is the security you need. There is no rational reason that your son should benefit from the untimely death of DP's son's mother.

I’m with your DP. It’s his sons inheritance and he wants to do the right thing by him.

The years you’ve been living there you’ve had plenty of opportunity to get a mortgage and use your settlement to buy somewhere small as an investment property. The fact you’ve chosen not to shouldn’t impact his son’s future.

Why on earth did you go part time? There was a thread about a man who moved in with his partner at her request and gave up work. He had to move to do this. They were older and he became a house husband. All posters called him a cock lodger.
Choosing to go part time was unwise as was spending all your spare cash on your son's gap year etc.
Your partner is allowing you to stay in the property for the rest of your life. That is generous. Your son has no rights to your step son's asset from his dead mother.

I thought the OP said it has been agreed that she can stay on in the house if he predeceases her? Will she be able to afford the upkeep though....perhaps a life insurance policy in her name would help.

You're not married. It's his house paid for by him and his late wife, which his son should inherit. Your partner's recent inheritance is nothing to do with you as you're not married.

You've been living presumably rent free (apart from contributing to house expenses) in his house for a long time and could have used the proceeds from your marital home to buy a small 1 bed flat as an investment.

Your son has had the benefit of a free university education andhas no debt as you paid his uni costs and funded his gap year.

Now your son is older and working/earning money, why don't the two of you buy something together as an investment or for him to live in and pay you rent on your share while you continue to live in your partners house?

I agree with this. You made choices. You chose to spend your savings on your DS and to go along with DP’s wishes to remain in his family home. You chose not to get married.

And, as PPs say, shared cosmetic decorating costs (as opposed to substantial home improvement/development investment) are not really relevant.

Presumably your son will inherit from your ex and possibly his grandparents?

However unfair the imbalance feels, it’s there for very understandable reasons and your DP is right to protect the assets that belong to his family. Everyone would say the same to you if the roles were reversed.

So, you've lived rent free and had your life subsidised because you went part time and you still want a share of the house as inheritance for your son?

' I saved my half and lived in a rental for 6 years as I couldn’t afford a mortgage alone. The money I saved has since been used for DS’ uni costs and gap year.'

you spent your share of your asset - your choice.

His house goes to his son.

I agree with this.

Essentially, OP, you have contributed very little to this house other than the 'odd bit here or there.' It's not like you've paid for a huge extension etc. I don't see why your son should profit (essentially) from your DPs and his dead wife's deaths.

Sorry if that's a bit blunt. But I think you come across as very grabby.

And I'm not surprised you're not married- he would be well advised not to given you would happily take a house paid off by him and his wife.

Hes given you a life time interest, that's very generous given your lack of contribution.

Your sons don't even get on but you think his son should miss out on a property paid for in part by him losing his mum at I assume a relatively young age.

You don't come out of this well.

Your lack of assets aren't his sons problem. And the fact he inherited from his maternal GPS as nothing to do with you or your son. I'd be running for the hills in your DPs shoes, you have gold digger written all over you.

I think your partner is right, his DS should inherit.

If you've chosen to reduce to part time hours instead of investing in a property etc, then that's fair enough, but you shouldn't expect your partner to be compensating your ds for those decisions.

As you are not married legally it is his house and you have no say in what he does with it.

You might be able to persuade him otherwise but legally that is the situation.

In your shoes I would be worried about my future - you do not have assets of your own and if he breaks up with you where will you live?