Inheritance argument with DP

[Closie]

I’ll start with some background. DP and I have been together for 14 years, lived together for 10. We were both married before and had a son each from our previous relationships. His son is 28, my son is 27. I got divorced, my ex is alive and involved with DS always has been. DPs wife passed away.

Our current home is the home DP and his wife bought together before their son was born. When his wife died the life insurance paid off what was left of the mortgage, covered his sons uni costs and took them on holidays etc.
When I got divorced we sold our marital home, I saved my half and lived in a rental for 6 years as I couldn’t afford a mortgage alone. The money I saved has since been used for DS’ uni costs and gap year.

DP has decided we need to get our wills in order and a point of contention is the house we currently live in. He believes it should be left to his DS in entirety when we both die, his argument being that it was paid for first by his and his late wife’s hard work, then by his late wife’s life insurance so I haven’t actually contributed anything. I disagree, I’ve lived here for 10 years which has prevented me from having an asset of my own and I’ve contributed to upkeep and repairs. I think at the very least it should be 25/75 though ideally 33/66. We have agreed though that however it is split I should be allowed to continue living here if he were to die first.
He also thinks we should leave everything else we have (life insurance or pensions) to our respective children, I think I’m ok with this.
Now I’m not sure if this is clouding my judgement so I will mention that his
DS has recently inherited from his grandparents on his mother side, a 7 figure sum with which he has bought a house outright. Now I know that technically isn’t relevant but it certainly influences how I feel.

So AIBU to think the house should be split between our children in some way, or is he right?

But if you were married it would be your family home and you’d have certain rights unless explicitly drawn up to the contrary, in which case you’d have had to agree to the terms in advance.

He’s right. You’re not married and furthermore there was a substantial contribution from his late wife / her estate. So not yours / your son’s on two different fronts.

I couldn’t say for certain how much, we haven’t done anything massive, but general decorating etc. has come from our joint income.

His DS and my DS don’t get along (they won’t even spend Christmas together!). I’m not sure why exactly but it goes back to an argument involving DSS ex girlfriend and DS.

Imagine his poor wife knowing that her family home which was paid off with her life insurance which should go to her only child was being divided up so a child who is nothing to do with her benefits from her death.

I’m with your partner. The writing was on the wall that it was never really your house when he refused to move and talks of future grandchildren being read to in the same window his wife read to his son.

You had the sale of a property and you chose to pay for your son’s uni fees and pay for his gap year. So you’ve helped your son a lot more than other people can, he’s hardly starting from nothing. You’re comparing it that his son has so much but monetary wise. Your son still has two parents who are involved in his life. Whatever your partner’s son inherits from his maternal grandparents or his late mother has no bearing on your son.

If it’s his and his wife’s home, I’d bugger off and leave him to it.

How was this discussed before you moved in together?

I don't agree that moving in prevented you from doing anything, however I do agree that your contribution should be considered. There was no reason why he couldn't have kept it, and you both moved in somewhere new to both of you.

Ultimately, I would fall back to how this was discussed before you moved in. If it wasn't, I'm very much afraid to say, more fool you. I know that's harsh, but it is a bit late now.

If all you meant was decorating then I again agree with DP, you don’t get a share of the house for putting up wallpaper. If you’d paid for new roof, kitchen, bathroom, loft conversion etc then yeah maybe, but for decorating, no, if I was him I’d be giving it all to my child as well

You need to get the money back that you've spent on the house. Did this not occur to you before you spend joint money on it? It's not your house!

How much have you contributed to the upkeep? Unless it’s substantial I would see that as the rent you pay to live there.

You shouldn’t have spent the equity you had from your property when married on your son’s gap year. You should have invested it into another house.

I’ve lived here for 10 years which has prevented me from having an asset of my own and I’ve contributed to upkeep and repairs.

your logic is incorrect. How have you been "prevented" from having an asset? You could have bought / on mortgage a property at 2014 prices back then and kept it as an asset. Plenty of people do that. Contribution towards upkeep and repairs has been your choice and in any case will have mitigated you having been in a rental property with those associated costs.

the fact your DPs son has inherited has nothing to do with this situation.

if you aren't actually married to your 'DP' that puts you into the same category of women who live in their partner's property and don't make any provision in case of death or relationship breakdown. It doesn't matter how long you have lived together you have no legal right to any of the property unless you are legally named on the deeds. Sorry but your "DP" has stitched you up if you didn't realise this (I bet he did)

If I was your partner I would feel the same way. I would definitely see the house going to my own son.
You've benefitted from living in a house where you haven't paid rent. Paying for redecoration doesn't really count. Major building works might.

By that logic nobody who rents their home would ever do any general decorating then would they? Because “it’s not their house”. OP has benefitted from living there for 10 years and has said she could not get a mortgage on her own, so what is the difference really between this and renting a property? If you rent a home then you still pay for paint, wallpaper etc if you want to decorate your home, but you don’t get a % of it when the landlord sells it

Have you at least managed to save money these last ten years?

He hasn’t “stitched her up”. He has said she can live in it until she dies, if he dies first. It’s just that she doesn’t have any assets to pass down to her son. That’s tough but it’s not your house, your home but not your house.

Major building work would be the same as any other expenditure - in that situation, the DP might be a decent person and choose to reimburse the expenditure in the event of the relationship breaking down, but they might say "sorry, no way" if they aren't.

I think you need to reconcile yourself to the fact that his son has a big inheritance coming his way from his mum. Your son does not.

You also need to consider whether you are in a secure position yourself. You could split with your partner and be homeless.

You seriously need to look at your own financial security now and in the future.

You haven't married so you have no claim on any assets.

How long did the dc live together, or live in the house?

Not massively, I don’t make as much a DP (35k vs 120k type). I’ve had a nice 10 years, gone on holidays and reduced to part time. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that but I guess I never thought of the future too much.

I am sorry but I agree with your partner. Yes you have paid for decoration but you haven't paid rent. His son's inheritance is irrelevant. you have also now said that the repairs and decoration have come from joint income so your partner has put money into them too so you can't even claim to have paid for all the upkeep.

I think your judgement is clouded because of your DSS inheritance and perhaps because they don’t get on.

You have been silly not to invest your money and create some cushion for yourself. What if you split up because he is disappointed in your money grabbing attitude to his estate?

This! And I speak as a child who is going to watch her mums life savings go on care costs due to dementia.

50% of the house was his wife’s and she’s left her 50% to her son, The other 50% your partner owns and I can see why he wouldn’t want to give his 50% to your son. Or even 25% of his share. I understand how you feel but I know if anything happened to my husband ever then this house will always be for my two children and no one else so I feel for you but I’m kinda on his side.

Our children never lived here together, I moved in the same year DS went on his gap year and DSS started uni. DSS obviously lived his entire childhood here.

I agree with your partner. It was paid for by him and his sons mother/her life insurance. It was paid off before you came along and if you've only paid for decorating out of joint income then I'm sorry but I don't think that's relevant.

It's not stopped you buying a house, in face since it doesn't have a mortgage you've had more disposable income. You could have saved up and bought a house or saved the money for your son.

I don't think it helps your mindset because his DS has inherited a massive sum of money but that really isn't anything to do with this situation. It probably doesn't help that the two boys don't get on either, sounds like maybe something happened with your son and his ex girlfriend but again, that's nothing to do with this.

I know it feels unfair but your partner is right.

You've rather unfoundedly been thinking 'us' about assets and lifestyle.

It seems he hasn't.

Reassess what you are contributing. Look at your pension. Stop doing more than 50/50 housework and build your earnings.