Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

No absolutely do not do this OP!!!! If he's this controlling now, he'll be even worse if he has access to some of your money too.

You've done the right thing keeping your finances separate, now separate them even more by leaving the bastard. And do not feel bad. He'll be too busy counting his coppers and calculating what "exit fees" you owe him to even be concerned about the fact he's been dumped.

I think you should book yourself a nice SOLO few days abroad, nice hotel, have a wander around the sights, dinner and all the rest of it, and have a really good think/plan for what you're going to do, without having to look at him or see his disdain that you've had more wine than he has. He's more or less said he doesn't want to pay up for things - so LISTEN to him when he's telling you who he is, and start going off and doing what suits you. Do not let him eat three quarters of the food you've had to pay half for. Put whatever you don't eat from your half in the bin. Show him the reality of how he wants to live. And when you've done all that, boot his sorry backside out the door.

OP to give you an idea of what happens in our house:
When we married we opened a joint account. The full sum of both our wages were paid in. It was “our money” .
The house which was in his name was moved to joint names. No money exchanged hands. It was “our house “.
2-3 times a year we sit down and plan out our finances together. Although savings and investments are in single names it’s “our money” and we set aside accordingly each month. If we have a big spend coming up we take it from wherever is most easily accessible and build it up again over time.
We work together to reduce our tax burden as DH is a higher rate tax payer.
At no point have I ever accused DH of spending too much, nor him me. We do have some tight months where DH will say it’s looking that way (he keeps more of an eye on things than I do) and so I’m mindful not to spend as much on Amazon or I’ll take more packed lunches etc as does DH. I’m the one who keeps an eye on MSE for good deals re insurance etc
I realise other couples have different ways of doing things but we are very similar in our outlook and this has worked for us for over 25 years.
If you’re not on the same page, the outlook isn’t good.

Run. Take everything you can lay claim to and get out. Misers never change - he’d be the same if he won the lottery or was left £2million in his granny’s will.

You won't change him sadly OP, no amount of talking this through is going to change anything.

You are so young, have such a full, lovely life ahead of you, please do not accept this as your life.

My dear friend's mum is with someone like this, his meanness is unsurpassed, he helped his very elderly parents move into care homes and itemised everything he had spent helping them to move, down to a 20P stamp for a letter that had to be sent.

She is the most downtrodden woman I have ever met, her life is so depressing it hurts my heart :( :( :( my friend and I pleaded with her about 15 years ago to leave him, but she didn't, wasn't brave enough/thought she could change him etc and I just feel this huge sense of pity and sorrow for her. She could have had the last 15 years free to live her life, either with someone else or on her own. She now has terminal cancer and sits in a freezing cold dark house, eating her own meals or not eating as she feels too unwell, no friends or family can come over to help her, the list is endless. I just feel so very sad that it has come to this for her.

Picture this, OP: You have a baby with this man and are on maternity pay. And he watches you struggle and burn through your savings while he hoards his income. Even though you're home with HIS child and spending money on HIS child and your survival. ANd he resents every pound he has to put towards you and the baby.

And when you do go back to work, he expects you to sort and pay for childcare, arrange pick ups and drop offs, cover any baby sick days, etc ... meaning your career takes a hit, your income takes a hit .... yet he still demands 50/50 from you.

That's where you're headed.

FUck him.

Run now.

I couldn't live with someone so miserly - it would put me right off. I am fortunate to have a generous husband, but equally I am a generous person.

An example is that I recently went on two different holidays to Spain, as I was leaving on both times he asked me if I had any euros, I hadn't and was going to get some when I got there. He went to a drawer in his office and gave me some euros to take with me - about £250 each time and wouldn't even hear of me giving that back to him.

To love someone is to value them. Hell, it's to like them! If he loved you, he'd cherish you. Treating you equally, treating you well, do things just because it makes you happy.

He sounds awful. I couldn't live like that. Meanness is the number one character trait I dislike most. It's never just money, it's meanness of spirit that goes with it.

To answer your original question, no, other people and definitely not partners, live like this.

We are a team and we both contribute equally. Not just financially, but with time, effort, house work, raising the kids. We also appreciate what the other one does. BTW, over the years we have each earned more or less, worked more or less, it doesn't mean we split contributions 50:50, it means what ever the family has belongs to everyone fairly.

You deserve a partner that cherishes you, OP.

God knows MN is full of this type of horror story.

The saddest part is that they had loads of red flags PRE PREGNANCY that their partner was a mean money obsessed prick but still they went ahead and chanced it🤷🏻‍♀️....only to be bewildered and regretful.

I feel so sorry for the children in this scenario.....one parent mean and the other foolish.....children paying the price.

I think you should pay him back in kind.

Work out the cost of tonight's meal.
Tell him it cost x amount he ate 2/3 but you paid half on the cost of ingredients.

So £6 for ingredients, you are 2/6 He ate 4/6. So he owes you a £1. He can knock it off the next bill...
Wine, tell him your feed up he can just prorator it as he ate more of the food....

Gosh, he's awful. You definitely can't afford to have children with him (if that is something you want), nor can you afford to reduce your hours due to long-term illness or disability, or be made redundant.

There is no point continuing a relationship like that because if you can't rely on your partner to support you when times are tough, they aren't a partner.

No point in trying to work with a joint account with someone so tight.
It just means he becomes controlling with her money too.

Her best option is to walk away. He'd be so controlling if they had a child. And it would be miserable if she's left scraping money together for nappies while he's like the King sitting in his counting house.

This thread has brought back to mind a couple who worked very long hours. The wife was generous on one hand with baking etc but always said they couldn't afford holiday etc. After the wife sadly died the husband was stunned at how much money they had in savings.

Argh, OP, this was me, 20 years ago!! I didn't take advice and ended up having children with the man. It was as bad as everyone else is saying.

I had to fund my maternity leaves, I had pay half the weekly shops, half the bills. He wouldn't pay for childcare and even said I couldn't pay for childcare either, so I became a childminder in the day time, and then I had to work an evening job once he was home. Then he started complaining that he had to drive me to my evening job and he didn't want to. Sometimes he would deliberately arrive home late from work so that I couldn't go to my evening job. Or he would just sit there while I was getting ready and then casually say he couldn't be bothered to drive me when it came to the time to leave. I asked to learn to drive myself but I never had the money and he wouldn't help pay towards it. He charged me petrol money too. In fact, he charged me petrol money for driving me to hospital when I had our DD!! (I moved in with him when I was 17, hence I couldn't drive before meeting him).
I started leaving the children with friends and getting the early bus to my evening job, but he didn't like that either because it made him look bad.

He once took me to the cinema for my birthday, then decided he didn't want to watch the film I wanted to watch, so we saw the film he wanted instead, and when it came to buying the tickets etc, he wouldn't buy me popcorn or a drink. I tried to order my drink after he ordered his, and he turned to me and said "Can you afford that?" I couldn't (my money was SO tight because I always had to pay half of everything) but I had thought because it was my birthday treat, that he would buy the drinks! I had to tell the cashier to not get me that drink actually. So he had his own drink and his own popcorn, and I had nothing.
At that point, he was earning £80k a year. I was lucky if I hit £15k.

I have a billion more stories just like this.

We spilt up after 10 years, when I was 27 and had 3 young children, no education beyond GCSEs and no career. He left me. It was the luckiest, most fantastic, amazing, wonderful thing to ever happen to me. I now have a great job, a lovely little house, a driving license and car (haha) and a life with freedom and joy. He sucked all the joy out of everything.

Please, please, please OP - end this relationship. Financial abuse goes hand in hand with emotional abuse and control. You say you feel like you are painting him in a bad light etc. But like you say, these things you are typing are FACTS. They happened. It doesn't matter that he says he loves you. My ex was just the same. Rationalised everything. Told me I didn't understand money, I was too frivolous with it, etc. I believed him!! And he was so so similar to your partner. When it was just the two of us - it was annoying, and then we had children - and it was unbearable.

I’m pleased to read that the penny has finally dropped.

I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum etc, as previously he has spun it around and implied that you were trying to free load.

Begin by telling people in real life (this behaviour thrives on secrecy).

Look at rentals

Start sorting your things (throwing out things you don’t need or storing items with friends)

Tell him it’s not working out and leave

I Have a question? Did you both buy your furniture etc? Think about how you split it? Or consider walking away from it all just for a clean break.

I’d have some serious fun the day you’re leaving.
Give him a shopping list.
Leave while he’s out.
When he messages you for the money just answer
Sue me.
And block him.

Mine also dried up while heaving I can't stand the man and I don't even know him lol!

you have different priorities, he's saving every penny and you like enjoy your life a little. neither is wrong if your choices make you happy but life together would be a misery for me.

OP please do not waste your time and money on this cheap specimen of a man. He will completely erode your confidence, suck the joy out of your life. You will age with him quickly if you stay together. We live only once, dump the loser. Its better to be alone than with someone like that.

he will cook a nice dinner he would then ask for half the money

How does that even work? Honey, you had 46 peas, 2 potatoes and a chicken breast with a tablespoon of sauce and he oh so romantically whips out his calculator.... this beggars belief!

That alone would weld my vagina shut!!

NEVER EVER get pregnant by this man! Leave him!

I'm honestly so glad I posted this and had an outside opinion. I really never realised how bad it is and what the future will look like with him and it's fucking terrifying!

Stay strong now, OP! He may make that difficult

I contemplated getting back with my old ex investment banker boyfriend when I was 24. My ovaries immediately shrivelled up when I asked him to get me a newspaper after he'd filled his car, and he asked me for the 90p.

Fuck that.

You are not in a relationship. You are room mates. And not even good ones as I used to treat my roomie!

Married for 14 years and whatever I earn and whatever he earns, alll goes into one big pot. That's how it should be. He can earn more because I"ve taken care of the children. The roof needs fixing? Comes out of joint income. Seriously do not understand people who have separate finances at all. What the hell are you supposed to do when the kids need school uniforms for eg?!

My vagina would be drier than the Sahara with this kind of behaviour.

OP you are worth more than this. So so much more. You can do better

Litrally have people pleading with you to get up and leave! I don't know you from a tin of paint but I'm genuinely sat here thinking I want this lady to drink wine in Paris with friends/worthy partner who she's not had to pay for somebody who'd jump at the chance of buying you a bottle of wine! Who you'd enjoy reciprocating with! Please leave!!

There will be 2 phases when you tell him it’s done.

The first phase will be the gaslighting where he tells you you won’t survive without him. That you’re too dumb and too immature to ever manage without someone so organised and wise to help you.

when that fails he’ll go in to bargaining mode and tell you all about how he will change and he will become the most generous man who ever lived. He will send flowers, he will dangle the proposal carrot.

You must ignore all of it.