to be a bit put out about having to keep my birthday secret in this way?

[SecretBirthday]

Hi,

Just wondering if I am BU here. I have been with my DP for a while now, he has two children (age 8 and 10) whom he co-parents with their Mum. I have a good relationship with the children and we all get on great. I celebrate their birthdays with them, put effort into getting them lovely gifts that they’ll love, the other weekend I took them to the supermarket to get stuff for a Father’s Day breakfast for DP, taking care to make sure that it was all stuff they can safely prepare for him themselves as I was on shift all day at the hospital on the Sunday, I then came home from work and cooked a Sunday dinner for DP, my dad and the children. On Mother’s Day I helped the children make something for their Mums gift - a flower arrangement in her favourite colours, etc. If DP and I take the kids away or out for food, generally we halve the expense of it, when we go and do a big shop for a weekend when they’re coming to stay, I generally go halves on that too.

We now roll around to my birthday which is next weekend, discussed with DP about what we might do, and we agreed he’d message their Mum and ask if she could have them on the Saturday night (my actual birthday - I’ve had a very difficult year so planning to have a few friends over on the garden) as it’s his usual contact weekend, we would still have the on the Friday as usual, and get them back on Sunday morning. We could also do another day to compensate. Kids mum text back and said “yep, that’s fine, in fact I’ll keep them all weekend for you”. She is great and very flexible, and DP is the same in return.

It was then mentioned that kids Mum was going to take them away that weekend so that all worked out nicely. I asked DP if we would plan to take the kids out for food or something around my birthday to celebrate and he said that he didn’t want to tell them it was for my birthday, as he didn’t want them to think that’s why they aren’t coming to dads house that weekend, etc. I asked if anything along this theme has ever been brought up before, and he said no, just that he didn’t want to plant seeds.

So I’ve asked if we’re now having to keep completely schtum about the fact I’ve even had a birthday at all and it seemed that might be the case, so I backed off from the convo really as I found the implications a bit hurtful. I also don’t want to accidentally mention my birthday in front of them and they think that I’ve actively avoided celebrating my birthday with them.

I dunno, it just feels off tbh. Like I’m useful to celebrate everyone else’s birthdays and Mother’s and Father’s Day, I’m useful for my safe adult presence, I’m useful for my cash contributions sometimes, but my birthday is being strangely minimised and glossed over, and I’m not too proud to admit that it hurts a little bit, and to add insult to injury I’m going to have to actively lie to them or omit things from our chit chat so as not to let on. The youngest one is a prolific maker of birthday/thank you/just because cards for people, they even designed a thank you card to the car hire place, and yet I won’t get a little hand made birthday card!

Before anyone starts having a go at me purely because in this scenario I’m in the “evil stepmother” role, please just give it a rest. I know some of you will deem me to be getting ideas above my station, daring to have birthday, never mind expecting acknowledgment of it. I’m not an evil stepmother, I couldn’t be more engaged, giving and considerate of the wellbeing of these children and their father (and mother) than I currently am.

AIBU?

my eggs have all but run out before I ever really got chance to think about using them

I'm so sorry. You sound like you'd be a wonderful mum.

I'm loving the father Jack and tiara combo

Actually I have reflected a bit. I will ask my ex to have the kids for a night because I want to buy tickets to something that has to be booked on a certain date only, or I can only catch a flight on a certain day, etc., I think I would just celebrate my birthday on a different day really. I certainly wouldn’t ask my ex to have the DC an extra night to celebrate my DP’s birthday. I do understand what your DP is saying. But it’s kind of done now. She wants to take them away for the weekend and it’s fine to say this is the reason they’re staying with mum. And also to mention it happens to be your birthday. But in future maybe just plan to celebrate your birthday on a day when he doesn’t have his DC

I can see you’ve got it all sorted now and DP has been supportive. Everyone sounds very nice.

@SecretBirthday - glad you’ve got it all sorted. Completely agree with @BustyLaRoux - you all sound like really kind and thoughtful people. How lovely for the DCs to have such functional adults around them. Some of the most functional families I know are families where the parents have parted but are co-parenting reasonably and respectfully and incoming partners are appropriately caring and involved. This sounds like just such a set up. Good for you all. And happy birthday when it arrives!

Sounds like alls well that ends well, @SecretBirthday .

Hope you enjoy all the celebrations and are spoilt rotten ! 🎂🍾🥂 💐

Why don’t people read all of an OP’s contributions before wading in with their nonsense?

Glad it's sorted. I agreed with you

It sounds like it's worked out perfectly @SecretBirthday but a little reminder won't do any harm... you are just as important as your dp and his dc, your wants and needs matter just as much. Don't ever forget that. Too many women dance to the tune of a man and his children and end up resentful further down the line. Boundaries are important from the get go, well done in voicing yours. Your dp sounds very thoughtful, but it's easy to get swept up in the feeling helpful and optimistic stage of the relationship.
In 'normal' families, no one would blink an eye at the adults arranging a child free get together for a birthday but the goalposts are ALAWAYS moved when step children are involved, on Mumsnet anyway. I'm glad you've paid no attention to it. Have fun!

Edited to add, if the children had asked why they weren't invited to the OP's party then the very simple answer to them would be, 'because it's a grown up party'. The same words I've uttered to my kids countless times. Kids do not need to be lied to. It's adults that complicate everything and I have no idea why.

It doesn’t sound like the DO is particularly committed

Happy to take his girlfriend’s money for his children (WTAF did i read that correctly… the OP goes halves when the children are staying with them?!) but doesn’t want to include his children in her birthday celebration until she gets upset with him

I’m think your partner is overthinking it. I’m sure the kids would understand

I think you sound like you have a lovely relationship with the children and I would feel the same about wanting them to know and sharing a little celebration with them. I don’t feel you spending the weekend with out them should be received negatively and this be kept a secret. If I couple who had children together went away for a birthday celebration I don’t think the children would be upset by that, it is just adult time.

It’s not that you are having a birthday. It’s that from the kids perspective (which you could consider sometimes instead of just your own) they aren’t getting to see their dad for 3 weeks (assume EOW contact) because he’s choosing to do stuff with you instead. He sensibly doesn’t want them to feel slighted even if unintentional. He wants them to love you not be jealous etc.

@SecretBirthday I think you sound like a wonderful person for the children to have in their life. I also think DP is doing what he thinks is best and doesn’t want the children to feel pushed out. He sounds like a great dad.
can you talk to him about how you understand his views, whilst explaining how it is making you feel? Then do something nice with the children for a birthday treat (you can be vague with the date of your actual birthday). Then still have your adult time on the Saturday?

It won’t be as long as three weeks, they are collected from school twice a week by DP every single week, in addition to the weekends. We also had them last weekend on Mums weekend for an overnight and will be having them now for my birthday surprise this week, from school until school drop off again in the morning. There is also a sports day and a school fayre on two separate days. He has NEVER gone three weeks without seeing them in their entire lives.

The contact is very flexible, and the trend is towards more than mandated, rather than less. I say mandated, but the court hasn’t been involved this is just what has been agreed between Mum, Dad and the kids.

Wow there’s some major projection in this thread!

it baffles me how some people can read an OP and completely misunderstand and reinvent a situation!

Give your heads a wobble!

OP - you sound lovely and it sounds like there is some really mature co - parenting going on between you all! I’m glad you have got everything sorted now - enjoy your celebrations 😊

This was my thinking too.

He's maybe taking it too far, but I think he means well.

He's concerned about being seen as palming his children off on his weekend to accommodate your Birthday party. I can see why he's a bit reluctant to tell the kids the truth. It may appear to them that he's putting you first, and to be honest his kids will always be his priority. He's probably trying to be mindful of their feelings, which as children, trump yours.

Good post.

All he needs to do is explain to the kids that their Mum has arranged to take them out that weekend so he's taking you out for your birthday & you will all celebrate together next time they're over with cake & cards. Why would he think they'd think they were being left out when you can all do something another day together. Don't let him tell you what you can & can't say about your own birthday & let him know you'd like his kids to celebrate it with you.

So glad it was just a misunderstanding and able to be resolved without having to cause a festering upset! This sounds like an all round positive relationship. Enjoy your birthday and making new memories X

Very happy for the whole, lovely, family!

Aw all the adults in this situation sound so caring and have the best interests of the kids at heart which is lovely to read. I think you should explain how you feel to your partner, to avoid potentially hurting the kids feelings keep quiet about the weekend party in the garden, but plan to have 'your birthday' on the next contact day, this keeps everyone happy and you'll be celebrated twice (you sound like you deserve it) 😊

I think they just think “cool, day out!” and don’t really consider the finances.

Oh, give over! You're twisting this into something ridiculous and you know it.

If you don't want people to think you like to eat goats, then don't stir up the stink for the joy of it.