to be a bit put out about having to keep my birthday secret in this way?

[SecretBirthday]

Hi,

Just wondering if I am BU here. I have been with my DP for a while now, he has two children (age 8 and 10) whom he co-parents with their Mum. I have a good relationship with the children and we all get on great. I celebrate their birthdays with them, put effort into getting them lovely gifts that they’ll love, the other weekend I took them to the supermarket to get stuff for a Father’s Day breakfast for DP, taking care to make sure that it was all stuff they can safely prepare for him themselves as I was on shift all day at the hospital on the Sunday, I then came home from work and cooked a Sunday dinner for DP, my dad and the children. On Mother’s Day I helped the children make something for their Mums gift - a flower arrangement in her favourite colours, etc. If DP and I take the kids away or out for food, generally we halve the expense of it, when we go and do a big shop for a weekend when they’re coming to stay, I generally go halves on that too.

We now roll around to my birthday which is next weekend, discussed with DP about what we might do, and we agreed he’d message their Mum and ask if she could have them on the Saturday night (my actual birthday - I’ve had a very difficult year so planning to have a few friends over on the garden) as it’s his usual contact weekend, we would still have the on the Friday as usual, and get them back on Sunday morning. We could also do another day to compensate. Kids mum text back and said “yep, that’s fine, in fact I’ll keep them all weekend for you”. She is great and very flexible, and DP is the same in return.

It was then mentioned that kids Mum was going to take them away that weekend so that all worked out nicely. I asked DP if we would plan to take the kids out for food or something around my birthday to celebrate and he said that he didn’t want to tell them it was for my birthday, as he didn’t want them to think that’s why they aren’t coming to dads house that weekend, etc. I asked if anything along this theme has ever been brought up before, and he said no, just that he didn’t want to plant seeds.

So I’ve asked if we’re now having to keep completely schtum about the fact I’ve even had a birthday at all and it seemed that might be the case, so I backed off from the convo really as I found the implications a bit hurtful. I also don’t want to accidentally mention my birthday in front of them and they think that I’ve actively avoided celebrating my birthday with them.

I dunno, it just feels off tbh. Like I’m useful to celebrate everyone else’s birthdays and Mother’s and Father’s Day, I’m useful for my safe adult presence, I’m useful for my cash contributions sometimes, but my birthday is being strangely minimised and glossed over, and I’m not too proud to admit that it hurts a little bit, and to add insult to injury I’m going to have to actively lie to them or omit things from our chit chat so as not to let on. The youngest one is a prolific maker of birthday/thank you/just because cards for people, they even designed a thank you card to the car hire place, and yet I won’t get a little hand made birthday card!

Before anyone starts having a go at me purely because in this scenario I’m in the “evil stepmother” role, please just give it a rest. I know some of you will deem me to be getting ideas above my station, daring to have birthday, never mind expecting acknowledgment of it. I’m not an evil stepmother, I couldn’t be more engaged, giving and considerate of the wellbeing of these children and their father (and mother) than I currently am.

AIBU?

I think it’s about optics OP. He’s asked the children not to come around because it’s your birthday. Totally reasonable to an adult, but could be hurtful to a child. Just think how they’ll hear it, not how you’re meaning it.
You sound lovely and, if you’re consistent, then I’m sure a mutual relationship will evolve in time.
In the meantime have a nice birthday 🥳

I say this kindly as I am
also a stepmum but you are nothing to his children.

I'd imagine you meant this as in OP being no more than their dad's girlfriend rather than it being said in a nasty way.

Which technically is correct, not their step mother.

I'd also imagine there are many DC out their that do need, and love their step parent.

in my childhood i was in a very similar situation and i think i could feasibly see myself having been hurt if my dad missed out on a weekend of seeing me because it was his girlfriend's birthday

Even with your update I think you should stop paying half of all days out. The lines are getting very blurred here and he is starting to take you for granted. Do you live together? Sorry if I’ve missed it.

Why can't they be at the party in your garden for your birthday? If you had children with your DP those children would be there. It does rather look as if you've changed week-ends so as not to have DP's children over your birthday. I can see why he might not want to tell the children that was the cause of the change of plans - a bit unkind?

My understanding of what you have written is that you have had a tough year and looking forward to celebrating in the garden with some adult friends, and to facilitate this he has arranged for his kids to be elsewhere and it's all worked out nicely.

But he doesn't want them to feel that they have been packed off somewhere else or "banished" if you will, so he would rather not tell them that the reason for the change of plans is your birthday.

I actually agree with him, but would suggest him telling them when they are next over that it was your birthday a couple of days ago and how about they go with DP to chose a present and a cake.

I actually can't really see the issue.

And by the way, you sound a great "step mum" 😊

That's how I see it too.

That is a crazy response. Just nuts. It doesn’t do anyone any favors to pretend to the children nothing ever happens that centers another person for a few minutes or a meal.

You sound like youve tried really really hard and your feelings have been hurt.
It sounds like both the father and mother are co parenting really well and hopefully this will be to the long term benefit of all especially the children.
Honestly its a tough one because I think Dad is (rightly) mindful of the childrens feelings and doesnt want them to feel pushed out for your birthday. Unfortunately I think this means he hasnt considered it from the other poibt of view in that youd really like them to be a part of it.
I would urge you to gently raise it with him and let him know exactly how you feel without criticism of the decision and plan a belated treat for the 4 of you to celebrate it the next time you have them and be honest and say you were really looking forward to celebrating your birthday with them, pick something theyll love and continue building your own special memories with them. I think its just a tricky one for your partner to have thought through fully and Id hope he will be slightly gutted when he realises how you feel. Good luck

If I had children with my DP I’d probs ask their grandparents to babysit so I could drink some birthday wine and do my best Father Jack impression on a deck chair next to my geraniums with a big cake at the side of me and a little Tiara on my head, but I don’t have any children (part of the reason I’ve had such a shit year, my eggs have all but run out before I ever really got chance to think about using them).

In reality, as it’s still fairly early days the children haven’t met all of my extended friends and family, so I’m not sure they’d have such a great time with lots of adults they don’t really know who are probably shit at handstands and cartwheels, but if contact was unmovable I’d have trimmed down the guestlist appropriately to accommodate them. As it stands I’ll still drink birthday wine in father jacks Tiara and also have a secret birthday surprise on Thursday too.

She has no obligation to lie or omit the truth because he wants to pretend something that isn't true though.

You do sound like a lovely partner to your dp, in respect of being in their lives, although not yet at the ‘step mum’ stage. But I think your dp is just being sensitive to the fact that they may perceive the reason they are not seeing him is due to you wanting to celebrate your birthday without them. Maybe wait til you’re a bit further down the line in the relationship and discuss how to deal with it so that everyone is happy at that point.

That’s lovely, glad it’s turned out well for you. You sound like a very nice person and actually so does your DP.

Oh dear. They were saying - pretend your birthday is the following week just this month.

Lying to the children is never good. If they find out it will erode trust, it is important children can 100% trust the adults in their life. Has he told his ex to lie too? The risk is these children find out the 3 main adults in their life lie to them.

If he was concerned about them feeling shunned due to your birthday, which as a parent he is best placed to judge their reaction, he should have suggested doing something including them and/or doing something when they are not due to visit as adults can easily understand and celebrate their birthdays on any day around the actual date, especially when there are children to factor in.

I’m really mindful of that, as is my DP as we both felt in our childhoods that our parents might have prioritised partners over us at times.

I would have thought the answer was quite obvious OP, even before you posted that part, he felt slightly guilty about choosing to celebrate your birthday in a way that doesn't include the children, but now that has essentially caused him (and you) to not have them at all over that weekend he feels really guilty about it and doesn't want them to feel like he's essentially shipping them off for the weekend so you guys can have a party. It isn't what has happened at all, but his feelings of guilt, and not letting history repeat itself are obviously very real.

In absence of not being able to have them on the Friday like originally planned, would you be able to do something when you next have contact after (or before) to celebrate your birthday with them then?

Sounds like he knows his children love you and is trying to protect them from feeling hurt that you dont want them there on your birthday?

My thoughts exactly.

You're giving mixed messages here you don't want them around on your birthday but you want them to know it's your birthday, to celebrate it yet know that on your actual birthday you'd rather they weren't there. I'm with your husband it's his time with them cancelled to accommodate your preferences.

I think you sound lovely and a great step parent.
And I think DH and the ex sound lovely and like great parents too.

But I do think it’s a bit of a dick move to cancel seeing your kids because it’s your partners birthday.
I can’t ever imagine doing that and I would never expect a man to do that either.

Its going to be extremely hurtful for the kids.

Why couldn’t you have had them as planned and celebrated with them, then once they’ve gone home celebrated your birthday.

If your birthday fell on a week day you probably would wait until the weekend to celebrate it properly anyway.

So I’m not sure why you couldn’t have a family celebration with all of you and then the following weekend do something with just you and DH.

As a SM I cannot imagine a situation where I would ask DH to not see his children to celebrate my birthday.

I think it's a bit unkind and sends the message to the children they aren't wanted. I would have arranged the adult party for a non contact weekend and gone out for dinner with the kids on the day but each to their own 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some people will never understand this. I’m in a very similar arrangement - DH and I live a 5 min drive from DSDs Mum and Stepdad and we change days/weekends to accommodate things like family celebrations, weekends away, DSDs hobbies, etc. But some people can’t accept that you are in a civilised and friendly coparenting situation and will be weird about it.

Ignore the poster who keeps repeatedly emphasising “girlfriend of a year” - no one in real life behaves like this or wants parents to be single until their kid goes to uni like on Mumsnet 😂

Be thankful your partner is in a nice coparenting situation where things can be flexible for things like birthday celebrations and maybe ask him if you can go for a birthday meal with him and the kids during the week rather than ignore it around them.

Can’t you just say that “mum wants to take you away for the weekend as a treat” and then also mention as an aside that it’s your birthday. As if the two things aren’t connected. That way you’re not having to keep quiet but the reason they’re away is because mum wanted to take them for a weekend away. Which is true. She asked to take them for the whole weekend. You didn’t ask her.

I share my DC with my ex and although I do understand your DP’s motivations, I think he is making this more complicated than it needs to be. I wouldn’t hesitate to explain to my DC that I was doing something for my birthday at the weekend and it’s not a children type of activity. And also make time for a nice birthday meal with them a different day. They would have no issue with that at all. But perhaps his DC are more sensitive than mine. I can see what he is saying. But yeah this whole lying about having a birthday…?. Im sure it would be fine to mention it in passing.

I think that the children are very lucky to have four mature and lovely adults in their lives.

Ignore the people on here who want you to feel inadequate or presumptuous for, correctly, referring to your partner as your partner. Presumably you are not a teenager, so no need for boyfriend 🙄.

Hopefully you, your partner and your step children will have many, many birthdays and other celebrations together. And I hope he realises what a keeper he's got.

Happy birthday 🥳 from a fellow July baby (we're the best)

Really lovely to see your update and glad it's turned out well.

Enjoy ALL your birthday celebrations.

💚