to be a bit put out about having to keep my birthday secret in this way?

[SecretBirthday]

Hi,

Just wondering if I am BU here. I have been with my DP for a while now, he has two children (age 8 and 10) whom he co-parents with their Mum. I have a good relationship with the children and we all get on great. I celebrate their birthdays with them, put effort into getting them lovely gifts that they’ll love, the other weekend I took them to the supermarket to get stuff for a Father’s Day breakfast for DP, taking care to make sure that it was all stuff they can safely prepare for him themselves as I was on shift all day at the hospital on the Sunday, I then came home from work and cooked a Sunday dinner for DP, my dad and the children. On Mother’s Day I helped the children make something for their Mums gift - a flower arrangement in her favourite colours, etc. If DP and I take the kids away or out for food, generally we halve the expense of it, when we go and do a big shop for a weekend when they’re coming to stay, I generally go halves on that too.

We now roll around to my birthday which is next weekend, discussed with DP about what we might do, and we agreed he’d message their Mum and ask if she could have them on the Saturday night (my actual birthday - I’ve had a very difficult year so planning to have a few friends over on the garden) as it’s his usual contact weekend, we would still have the on the Friday as usual, and get them back on Sunday morning. We could also do another day to compensate. Kids mum text back and said “yep, that’s fine, in fact I’ll keep them all weekend for you”. She is great and very flexible, and DP is the same in return.

It was then mentioned that kids Mum was going to take them away that weekend so that all worked out nicely. I asked DP if we would plan to take the kids out for food or something around my birthday to celebrate and he said that he didn’t want to tell them it was for my birthday, as he didn’t want them to think that’s why they aren’t coming to dads house that weekend, etc. I asked if anything along this theme has ever been brought up before, and he said no, just that he didn’t want to plant seeds.

So I’ve asked if we’re now having to keep completely schtum about the fact I’ve even had a birthday at all and it seemed that might be the case, so I backed off from the convo really as I found the implications a bit hurtful. I also don’t want to accidentally mention my birthday in front of them and they think that I’ve actively avoided celebrating my birthday with them.

I dunno, it just feels off tbh. Like I’m useful to celebrate everyone else’s birthdays and Mother’s and Father’s Day, I’m useful for my safe adult presence, I’m useful for my cash contributions sometimes, but my birthday is being strangely minimised and glossed over, and I’m not too proud to admit that it hurts a little bit, and to add insult to injury I’m going to have to actively lie to them or omit things from our chit chat so as not to let on. The youngest one is a prolific maker of birthday/thank you/just because cards for people, they even designed a thank you card to the car hire place, and yet I won’t get a little hand made birthday card!

Before anyone starts having a go at me purely because in this scenario I’m in the “evil stepmother” role, please just give it a rest. I know some of you will deem me to be getting ideas above my station, daring to have birthday, never mind expecting acknowledgment of it. I’m not an evil stepmother, I couldn’t be more engaged, giving and considerate of the wellbeing of these children and their father (and mother) than I currently am.

AIBU?

You're not being unreasonable. It's not his prerogative whether to tell the children about your birthday or not, you are in his children's lives and good enough - as you say - for Mothers' and Fathers' day stuff. Your birthday is just as valid.

I wouldn't let this slide as it will fester. You're already feeling hurt and I think if he doesn't realise unfairness and let his children know the big secret that is your birthday then stop financing the things that he likes to do with his children, with you. Make your own plans and re-think whether this has a future at all. It's not the chidren's mother who is any sort of problem here, it's your own 'partner'.

Sounds like a really positive co-parenting relationship with lots of flexibility to help things along.
Does sound like DP is making a mountain out of a molehill. You do an adult gathering on one occasion and then you have a cake and celebration with the children on another. It's not unusual to separate the 2 out even without the split parent situation!
Much worse to pretend it hasn't happened!

I definitely don’t hold their Mum to account on this one at all, shes dealt with it all wonderfully!

Sounds pretty perfect to me!

means he, as a parent, is concerned about how his children are feeling about someone living in their home who they’ve known as their father’s girlfriend for less than a year

Who he has been happy to have spend time with his children, have her spend money on his children, perfectly fine for her to do mothers' and fathers' day stuff. .. yet her birthday is out of bounds?

No. Children's feelings are not the issue here however much you might like to dismiss the OP as nothing special.

I can see both sides.
You sound really lovely but kids often don't think logically or see things like adults and very easily start to think they aren't important or wanted or a priority. They often don't put themselves in other people's shoes or see shades of grey iyswim.
However, I don't think the best way to help them develop all that is to lie to them. He could have handled it differently.

Do you still have time to organise something with the kids before your birthday? Surely if you do something nice with them for your birthday, and their mum is taking them on holiday, thats not going to make them sad with dad in any way.

I'm with others in saying I'd compromise in the actual day of the birthday being when you celebrate it. Nobody really cares the exact day, it would just be nice for you to be able to celebrate with DP and his kids, at your 'birthday party' then another do for some adult mates when you don't have the kids?
I don't think that it's hurtful to have to be a bit flexible. You're clearly really good at step parenting and juggling the blended family dynamic. So this is just another little part of that.

But they have to learn at some point that they don't take precedence 100
percent of the time, no matter how much their parents love them.

Parents have lives and are entitled to do kid-free activities; sometimes the kids will have to be flexible. These children are old enough to comprehend that.

I think it’s a bit shit to cancel having the children because it’s your birthday, so I understand how he’s feeling. You haven’t been together long at all, so that’s another reason he’s probably feeling protective of the children.

The ideal thing would have been not to cancel the children coming to their own house because
you’re having a party (on the first birthday that you’ve celebrated as their dad’s girlfriend).

However, seeing as the children are going somewhere with their mum, I don’t see the problem with saying “It’s my birthday on Xdate, so as you’re not here that day, we’re going to do something next time you’re here to celebrate, on Ydate.”

Your boyfriend (I think partner is a bit much after a year) will need to get used to balancing his relationships with his children and his girlfriend, and it won’t always be easy.

That sounds really healthy and so much better for all concerned, especially the children.

The Mum of my DC's father and I have a very amicable relationship these days, communication is free and easy, and we'd be there for one another's children if needed.

This wasn't the case, whilst I was still married to the Dad, unfortunately. But, with him out of the equation, things are much better.

You seem lovely op and I can see why you’re hurt. I agree with pp’s. He could just be nervous of the kids feeling left out and upsetting them and he’s being a bit over cautious with his response. Have a chat and tell him that you’re not prepared to lie but you could be vague about the actual dates.

I’m also slightly concerned about the paying 50% of food for the kids. I would never expect a partner or friend or anyone for that matter to foot the bill for my dc. Then he accepted you sorting both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day for him when that to me is actual parent territory. Add on that he’s seemingly terrified to get a little cake and bunch of flowers from his kids for your birthday (hopefully just caution but could be stingy) and it becomes quite worrying. I think you need to keep an eye out for further signs of cf with this guy.

I think your DP is being very unreasonable. You and the kids would like a birthday tea together, even on another day, cards and a present, but he would have to arrange it, and it sounds like he has you to arrange all that stuff when it's for him or their Mum, so perhaps he's just not bothered.

It sounds like you're doing a lot for the kids - I don't think you should be contributing half of their costs, that's really up to him.

To me it seems that dad is trying to keep it quiet so the kids don't think they aren't coming for the weekend as it's your birthday, to save them getting the wrong end of the stick and to save you getting the blame.
I actually think he's trying to do a good thing

He volunteered that option, probably because he quite likes attending parties with adults and alcohol himself from time to time. There’s still the possibility that if he hadn’t text to adjust contact for my birthday evening, that their Mum would have messaged to ask to have them on his weekend to take them away.

I think he might be assuming that the children will see some malice or slight in the situation, when they probably just think “going away with Mum this weekend”.

Gosh I couldn’t be bothered about this at all.

You said she was taking them away anyway and maybe he thinks you are going to ask for a day off from the kids everytime it’s your birthday

You have the nerve to come on and ask for advice - yet thank no one and just respond to argue with others!

He's over thinking that. How could it be damaging for them to understand that you get one (celebrated) birthday per year.

You"ve been facilitating a lot of family days and your partner just enjoys them. He doesn't massively over think things when you are pulling it all together. But somehow, for the kids to see that reciprocated, to see that he values you that would, he thinks send the wrong message???

I'd be exasperated in your shoes

Kids don't think rationally, they react in emotions. I don't think he should have changed their weekend, but now he has, he was thinking of their feelings, which is great. You sound lovely and I know you're hurt, but he sounds a great dad. I think the both of you handled it wrong, no weekends should have changed and they should have been told its your birthday. You can celebrate any weekend, they see their dad eow, they're his kids.

You are getting a child free weekend for your birthday. You sound a bit young and immature about not getting a hand made card from them or a surprise birthday treat. Your partner is trying to do the right thing by his children. Just appreciate the fact that he will be concentrating totally on you.

I’ve actually used Mumsnets handy “thanks” button quite liberally throughout the thread.

You are clearly hard of comprehension, or charitably, maybe you haven’t read my responses to the comments. I didn’t ASK for any of this, I’ve been quite passive throughout while I understood fully the situation, and waited for any further comment/communication to come to light over the last week or two.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INPUT.

He has a point. I think it's shit he rearranged contact for your birthday. I say this as a stepmother. They are not going to feel you are part of the family if they are excluded from your celebrations.

Yes. Hence my last sentence

Fine for your DP to put his kids before you. Not fine for him to ask you to lie. Stupid reason too. You could have a celebration with the dc on the Friday and have your friends on the Saturday. He's a knob.

Stop going halves on outings with his kids! What sort of man is he taking your money and then asking you to be complicit in a lie to his children? I say this kindly as I am
also a stepmum but you are nothing to his children. Yes they may like you but they do and will not ever need you in their lives. No child ever needs a step parent and it seems to me you are being taken for a ride by your "partner"

Their dad is very silly to do this. The whole idea is the kids know exactly where they will be and when. Move for emergencies sure or the summer holidays to facilitate a holiday for the kids. But not a grown adult's birthday