to be a bit put out about having to keep my birthday secret in this way?

[SecretBirthday]

Hi,

Just wondering if I am BU here. I have been with my DP for a while now, he has two children (age 8 and 10) whom he co-parents with their Mum. I have a good relationship with the children and we all get on great. I celebrate their birthdays with them, put effort into getting them lovely gifts that they’ll love, the other weekend I took them to the supermarket to get stuff for a Father’s Day breakfast for DP, taking care to make sure that it was all stuff they can safely prepare for him themselves as I was on shift all day at the hospital on the Sunday, I then came home from work and cooked a Sunday dinner for DP, my dad and the children. On Mother’s Day I helped the children make something for their Mums gift - a flower arrangement in her favourite colours, etc. If DP and I take the kids away or out for food, generally we halve the expense of it, when we go and do a big shop for a weekend when they’re coming to stay, I generally go halves on that too.

We now roll around to my birthday which is next weekend, discussed with DP about what we might do, and we agreed he’d message their Mum and ask if she could have them on the Saturday night (my actual birthday - I’ve had a very difficult year so planning to have a few friends over on the garden) as it’s his usual contact weekend, we would still have the on the Friday as usual, and get them back on Sunday morning. We could also do another day to compensate. Kids mum text back and said “yep, that’s fine, in fact I’ll keep them all weekend for you”. She is great and very flexible, and DP is the same in return.

It was then mentioned that kids Mum was going to take them away that weekend so that all worked out nicely. I asked DP if we would plan to take the kids out for food or something around my birthday to celebrate and he said that he didn’t want to tell them it was for my birthday, as he didn’t want them to think that’s why they aren’t coming to dads house that weekend, etc. I asked if anything along this theme has ever been brought up before, and he said no, just that he didn’t want to plant seeds.

So I’ve asked if we’re now having to keep completely schtum about the fact I’ve even had a birthday at all and it seemed that might be the case, so I backed off from the convo really as I found the implications a bit hurtful. I also don’t want to accidentally mention my birthday in front of them and they think that I’ve actively avoided celebrating my birthday with them.

I dunno, it just feels off tbh. Like I’m useful to celebrate everyone else’s birthdays and Mother’s and Father’s Day, I’m useful for my safe adult presence, I’m useful for my cash contributions sometimes, but my birthday is being strangely minimised and glossed over, and I’m not too proud to admit that it hurts a little bit, and to add insult to injury I’m going to have to actively lie to them or omit things from our chit chat so as not to let on. The youngest one is a prolific maker of birthday/thank you/just because cards for people, they even designed a thank you card to the car hire place, and yet I won’t get a little hand made birthday card!

Before anyone starts having a go at me purely because in this scenario I’m in the “evil stepmother” role, please just give it a rest. I know some of you will deem me to be getting ideas above my station, daring to have birthday, never mind expecting acknowledgment of it. I’m not an evil stepmother, I couldn’t be more engaged, giving and considerate of the wellbeing of these children and their father (and mother) than I currently am.

AIBU?

You sound really lovely and i'd be hurt too.

That part is a bit bonkers, but, my advice ( as a step mum myself) is to not sweat this kind of stuff.

it doesn’t really matter, it’s not about them , it’s YOUR birthday. You don’t have to include them in everything. The lies are odd but I wouldn’t bother pushing it or trying to get involved .

This for me, he sounds like he’s just trying to make sure his children don’t feel unwanted while you celebrate with others. I don’t see it as anything other than a good sign he’s sensitive to his kids feelings.

they’re 8 and 10
they've known you a year
they won’t give a hoot it’s your birthday
but they could give a hoot that their dad won’t seem them on his weekend because it’s your birthday

I can understand why he might not want his 8 and 10 year old knowing that contact is changing because of your birthday: he might be worried about hurting their feelings.
You're a relatively new fixture in the children's lives, so he may not want to rock the boat.

Asking you to effectively lie about your birthday isn't great, though, as you shouldn't have to be on your guard.

I wouldn't be too impressed if my DC's father wanted to change contact arrangements for a girlfriend of 1 year's bday party, but all situations differ.

I do get the fact he could be mindful of the kids feeling shunted out and your birthday being the priority over him seeing them, BUT there’s loads of ways to mitigate that and have you celebrated and them part of it.

Stop doing Mother’s Day things for their mum though. Thats their dad’s job. This isn’t a stepmum issue, this is a man getting a new partner to take up the mental load. It was probably his wife before. Don’t let him dump that role on you. He sorts his own arrangements/presents/clothes and stuff the kids need/plans their entertainment etc etc.

Celebrate with the kids the following weekend as though that's your birthday. They won't remember the exact date.Then go back to normal next year.

Everything else aside you don't want them round on your actual birthday night? So maybe your DP has a point.

I don’t know why you’re still commenting, just to stick the knife in? Have you had a bad day?

I know these children and have done for nearly two years, actually. I know that they will notice the strangeness of it all, whichever part of it gets out.

If there was no leeway/flexibility on contact then I’d have happily adapted my birthday plans to suit the children being with us, but their dad volunteered texting their Mum to adjust things.

I kind of see where he’s coming from - I assume he doesn’t want the children to think they’re being pushed out in favour of you, he doesn’t want to hurt them or make them feel second best. But to completely deny your birthday is just very silly. As your relationship is fairly new, I’d suck it up this year and just move forward. I do think, however, that you should all go out together for a meal on a different date for your birthday, it’s nice for you all to celebrate for you too, not just for their birthdays/Father’s Day etc. Whether you tell them your actual birthday is a different day, I’m not sure how I’d approach that, but you definitely need to tread very carefully given their ages. I can see why you feel hurt, but imo, you need to be an adult and put the children first.

ok op
these children will notice that they didn’t celebrate their dad’s girlfriend of a year’s birthday 😆

i’m not sticking the knife in

im suggesting that after a year of being their dad’s partner in their eyes…. their dad is right to downplay chopping and changing plans on account of your birthday

You are being taken for a mug. Why are you paying for half of everything?

I'm not surprised you are feeling so upset, so use this time to back away completely and see what happens.

how often does he see them?

i missed this!!!

If DP and I take the kids away or out for food, generally we halve the expense of it, when we go and do a big shop for a weekend when they’re coming to stay, I generally go halves on that too.

i can’t fathom him accepting you paying half!!!! you’re being taken for a ride

The arrangement is flexible and reasonable. We all live within a five minute radius of each other so it’s no real drama to drop the kids off for an hour while one parent goes and does a certain task or if it gets to bed time and there’s a special Teddy missing, etc. He does sometimes have them unexpectedly to help their Mum accommodate her own partners needs too (bereavement, injury, etc) as well as around her work.

I don’t think anyone involved in this situation has ever felt the need to put their foot down about adjusting contact, etc. It’s genuinely very reasonable and accommodating.

If DP and I take the kids away or out for food, generally we halve the expense of it, when we go and do a big shop for a weekend when they’re coming to stay, I generally go halves on that too.

This warrants a thread in itself

did you move in to his place or he in to yours?

I’m not going to go into the finer details of that because it’s not relevant to the thread and could be identifying. I don’t pay half of all bills/expenses, but if I’m going to be with them for the whole weekend or it’s something we’ve planned to do together with them, then I’ll offer to go halves, or we’ll take it in turns. It’s just money at the end of the day and we get to have fun.

Christ, you're getting a hard time from the all-stepmums-are-monsters brigade.

OP, you sound absolutely lovely and your partner's ex sounds really nice too. I think your partner probably means well, but is being a bit over-paranoid about how this will look to his kids, but at 8 and 10 I'm sure they're more than capable of a) realising they haven't been 'sent away' to accommodate your birthday and b) being very happy indeed to get to go away for the weekend with their mum and then also go out for a nice birthday meal with you and their dad the following week. I think your partner's heart is probably in the right place, but he's just being OTT here.

the only reason i bought up
is if you had to buy a new place and specifically get extra bedrooms for the girls

and you were also paying half for their meals out and entertainment

what kind of a father would willingly accept his girlfriend of barely 2 years paying half for his children’s meals out and big food shop

No its not. It is absolutely up for discussion and negotiation between OP and her partner. He might have priority in determining what he wants to share with his children but he does not have the right to interfere in the OP’s relationship with them having encouraged such a massive investment on her part .

Basically he is proposing to lie—and is requesting that OP lie, to the children for an extremely foolish reason. They are going to eventually learn that schedules need to be flexible. If he wants them to feel loved and secure the sensible (best pedagogical strategy) is to be matter of fact and open about it.

Kids your mother and I are swapping weekends so I can make a huge fuss over OP’s birthday! She wants to celebrate with you, too, so we are going to do that too! Who wants to help me puck out a present and a card?”

If you think there is going to be a rupture in a relationship don’t hide or paper over it! Involve your children in noting it and repairing it at the same time.

“You might feel a bit upset at this change in schedule. You can tell me how you feel and lets see what we can do so everyone feels ok.”

I think you're making a bit of a drama about this.
It sounds like he thinks the children will be upset they don't get to celebrate your birthday with you.
This is actually rather lovely as clearly he thinks they are find of you, like you etc enough that you're important to them that they'd feel hurt you didn't want them around on your birthday.
The children won't see that it is reasonable to want an adults party ..they will just see the person they thought really likes them, includes them, acts as doting step mum actually doesn't want them around on her birthday.

ok so fact he isn’t adopting this

means he, as a parent, is concerned about how his children are feeling about someone living in their home who they’ve known as their father’s girlfriend for less than a year