to be a bit put out about having to keep my birthday secret in this way?

[SecretBirthday]

Hi,

Just wondering if I am BU here. I have been with my DP for a while now, he has two children (age 8 and 10) whom he co-parents with their Mum. I have a good relationship with the children and we all get on great. I celebrate their birthdays with them, put effort into getting them lovely gifts that they’ll love, the other weekend I took them to the supermarket to get stuff for a Father’s Day breakfast for DP, taking care to make sure that it was all stuff they can safely prepare for him themselves as I was on shift all day at the hospital on the Sunday, I then came home from work and cooked a Sunday dinner for DP, my dad and the children. On Mother’s Day I helped the children make something for their Mums gift - a flower arrangement in her favourite colours, etc. If DP and I take the kids away or out for food, generally we halve the expense of it, when we go and do a big shop for a weekend when they’re coming to stay, I generally go halves on that too.

We now roll around to my birthday which is next weekend, discussed with DP about what we might do, and we agreed he’d message their Mum and ask if she could have them on the Saturday night (my actual birthday - I’ve had a very difficult year so planning to have a few friends over on the garden) as it’s his usual contact weekend, we would still have the on the Friday as usual, and get them back on Sunday morning. We could also do another day to compensate. Kids mum text back and said “yep, that’s fine, in fact I’ll keep them all weekend for you”. She is great and very flexible, and DP is the same in return.

It was then mentioned that kids Mum was going to take them away that weekend so that all worked out nicely. I asked DP if we would plan to take the kids out for food or something around my birthday to celebrate and he said that he didn’t want to tell them it was for my birthday, as he didn’t want them to think that’s why they aren’t coming to dads house that weekend, etc. I asked if anything along this theme has ever been brought up before, and he said no, just that he didn’t want to plant seeds.

So I’ve asked if we’re now having to keep completely schtum about the fact I’ve even had a birthday at all and it seemed that might be the case, so I backed off from the convo really as I found the implications a bit hurtful. I also don’t want to accidentally mention my birthday in front of them and they think that I’ve actively avoided celebrating my birthday with them.

I dunno, it just feels off tbh. Like I’m useful to celebrate everyone else’s birthdays and Mother’s and Father’s Day, I’m useful for my safe adult presence, I’m useful for my cash contributions sometimes, but my birthday is being strangely minimised and glossed over, and I’m not too proud to admit that it hurts a little bit, and to add insult to injury I’m going to have to actively lie to them or omit things from our chit chat so as not to let on. The youngest one is a prolific maker of birthday/thank you/just because cards for people, they even designed a thank you card to the car hire place, and yet I won’t get a little hand made birthday card!

Before anyone starts having a go at me purely because in this scenario I’m in the “evil stepmother” role, please just give it a rest. I know some of you will deem me to be getting ideas above my station, daring to have birthday, never mind expecting acknowledgment of it. I’m not an evil stepmother, I couldn’t be more engaged, giving and considerate of the wellbeing of these children and their father (and mother) than I currently am.

AIBU?

@tomketchup I don't think anything OP has said warrants your adversarial responses/comments. She sounds pretty decent. 🤷🏼‍♀️

My original plan was to have a meal with the kids, DP, his parents and my parents on the Friday evening. Normal Saturday day time, he suggested kids mum having kids Sat evening for some adult pals to come and hang out on the garden for a few hours, and then getting kids again on Sunday morning for normal routine/school on Monday.

The bit where it escalated to a whole weekend being changed was nothing to do with me.

The original plan sucks too

And yes he's the one responsible for this but it's your birthday so it's you the kids will blame

You have the nerve to come on and ask for advice - yet thank no one and just respond to argue with others!

Jesus fucking Christ, what’s the matter with you? 😂

I'm scared to reply as you're obviously feeling a little... sensitive (?) but here it goes!

I think you're putting too much of yourself into this. You're giving a lot (money, time, emotional investment etc.) but seem further along in the relationship along than he does.
He sounds like a good dad and is trying to put his DC and how they might feel first and that's great, it's what he should be doing. But I think you see yourself more as 'stepmum' and he sees you as his gf, hence not being bothered about a family celebration for your birthday.

No one is wrong as such, you're just in different places. I also don't think you've done anything wrong or OTT, you just need to protect yourself a little and not invest too much too soon.

It was then mentioned that kids Mum was going to take them away that weekend so that all worked out nicely.

I asked DP if we would plan to take the kids out for food or something around my birthday to celebrate and he said that he didn’t want to tell them it was for my birthday, as he didn’t want them to think that’s why they aren’t coming to dads house that weekend

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, if what you're written above is correct.

I do however find it odd that your DP doesn't want to tell them it's your birthday and is giving the reason as he doesn't want his DC thinking they're not wanted there that night.

Your DP's ex has already stated that that works well for her as she's booked to take the DC away that weekend, so they wouldn't be available to stay over anyway.

You should not keep your birthday a secret

Lying by omission is never a good thing to do & creates more lies

Just a no from me

This OP.
Overall you are doing too much, and getting too little in return.
If you read other stepmothers' threads you'll see that unfortunately that only gets worse.

and we agreed he’d message their Mum and ask if she could have them on the Saturday night (my actual birthday - I’ve had a very difficult year so planning to have a few friends over on the garden) as it’s his usual contact weekend,

This is the problem. You both decided that they would have part of their contact weekend with Dad interrupted for your birthday. He did change his weekend to not have them with him to celebrate your birthday. So presumably he feels bad about it… and you DO want them to celebrate your birthday!

Non-separated parents have their kids with them on their birthdays and maybe send them to a grandparent for the evening. Why couldn’t they have been at your house on your birthday, had lunch, teatime b’day cake and then tell them there is a grown up party in the evening.

But you agreed not to have them present for your b’day….and now want them to celebrate your b’day!

Anyway now the best option is to do a b’day event with them the next time you see them. It doesn’t need to be big.

And it is their Dad’s job to facilitate mothers’ day / their Mum’s b’day, not yours.

@SecretBirthday

He's being ridiculous. They're going away with their Mum, they're hardly going to care 'whose' weekend it is when it's always so flexible anyway. Having your friends around for an Adult Birthday dinner isn't going to upset them, especially if they get to do 'something' with you too!

people on here can be weird about what kids think/want. Whether they want to celebrate their Dad's girlfriend's birthday or not... most 8& 10 year olds do enjoy celebrating birthdays , not just their own.

tell him not to be so daft! They're say with their Mum & you are NOT going to start lying to them or not existing in your own right!

Firstly well done, us step-mum are never usually thanked. I would just explain to the children that it's your birthday weekend and your planning a small party with friends ( they'll understand that). Then say you'd love to take them.out for a meal, bowling etc so they can celebrate with you the next time you see them. No need to complicate things, just keep it simple and be honest with them. Keep up the good work 😊

I don’t think you’re being totally unreasonable because you’ve made a lot of effort for others, but I can see where he’s coming from. He doesn’t want the kids to think they’re being ditched by you/for you (although they are technically).

I can’t be bothered with big fusses for adult birthdays so I don’t really get why you feel the need for them to celebrate yours on a completely different day to your actual birthday - you spend your birthday with those who are important to you and that’s it, surely? I also don’t think you needed to make efforts for their dads Fathers day and certainly not their mums Mother’s Day. I never did any of that, I have two grown up step-kids who I’ve known since they were 3. I get on great with them but I don’t think they even know when my birthday is and I’m quite happy with that.

The problem of 'what to tell/what not to tell' the children only arose because the contact was changed.

Contact should never have been changed for the father's girlfriend's birthday. There should have been a 'child friendly/inclusive' celebration that weekend, and an adult/alcohol event at a non-contact time. Then there wouldn't have been a issue.

Sounds more like your boyfriend doesn't want to have to make any effort to get you a box of chocolates or a bunch of flowers from the kids for your birthday and a cake to celebrate with them next weekend than actually thinks their feelings would be hurt about not being at an adult party.

Clearly you live with this man so PP and their "dad's house" comments for changing contact are ignoring it's your home you are entitled to celebrate your birthday in it as you wish with your friends. These are not your children. Their father should have been the responsible non drinking adult and not changed contact with his children.

He's taking you for a ride, you're doing half his parenting for him and paying towards his children when he won't even tell them it's your birthday. I hope it's actually your house, get rid of the whole man.

he said that he didn’t want to tell them it was for my birthday, as he didn’t want them to think that’s why they aren’t coming to dads house that weekend, etc.

But truthfully there is an element of that:

We now roll around to my birthday which is next weekend, discussed with DP about what we might do, and we agreed he’d message their Mum and ask if she could have them on the Saturday night (my actual birthday - I’ve had a very difficult year so planning to have a few friends over on the garden) as it’s his usual contact weekend,

You didn't want them there so that you could have an adult party. You asked their mum to have them for some extra time to facilitate that. She - possibly thinking she's doing something nice for you - has said she'll keep them. In fact you said It was then mentioned that kids Mum was going to take them away that weekend so that all worked out nicely. But it does sound a bit like you want everything to be done to suit you. I think kids of that age could feel that they've been pushed out of your birthday, that you don't want them there, however nice their weekend away with mum.

I think you have to put yourself in their shoes.

UPDATE.

It’s sorted, explained to DP (just as I started the thread) that I felt a bit put out that I’m good for everyone else’s celebrations and the donkey work, but my birthday is a clandestine secret, and he said one of the kids (the card maker) had already asked him specially when my birthday was (as she knows it is close to her grandmas) and so he realised it wasn’t right/fair on anyone to leave it like this. So he said he was going to tell them and we will sort something to celebrate with them. I’ve just had a calendar invite to a birthday surprise for later this week.

I think if it was as clear cut as some posters would make out, either he or I being very unreasonable then I wouldn’t have made the post in the first place, but I know he’s kind and reasonable and there must have been some blind spot somewhere that he wasn’t connecting the dots. I know this rational and flexible co-parenting arrangement hasn’t happened by accident, two calm and considerate people have worked to make it that way for the children, and have ultimately chosen new partners who fit comfortably into things and are supportive of it and the needs of the children - so it was disconcerting to find myself in a bit of a hurtful situation and that’s why I wanted to discuss it.

With regards the financial contributions or effort expended on my part, I’m never giving beyond my means or when I don’t want to, and I would find it difficult to suddenly pull back and harden myself into someone that I am not, in order to even out the transactions. I am who I am, I enjoy children and crafts and if one of your children wanted some help making some flowers for Mother’s Day, I’d help them too! I don’t give my time or money with the expectation of a return, if things don’t work out in the future then they don’t, but I’ll know that I acted authentically, with love and genuine intentions.

My parents actively harmed me when I was younger with point scoring over contact and money and my mum never made any secret about being glad to see the back of us when it was time to go to dads, etc. I’m really mindful of that, as is my DP as we both felt in our childhoods that our parents might have prioritised partners over us at times.

If they have bonded well with you and you are important to them which it sounds like you have, might he be worried that they would be upset that you didn't want them there for you birthday celebration?

Yup

Lovely update OP 😊

That sounds like a result there @SecretBirthday . Now, go and enjoy your many birthday celebrations!!

@SecretBirthday

I’m one of those posters who really doesn’t like blended families in general BUT you seem lovely, it sounds like your partner and his ex co parent effectively and flexibly and that you have a lovely arrangement.

The children wouldn’t be asking when your birthday is etc if you didn’t have a nice dynamic.

Id do something with the kids the weekend before or after to celebrate your birthday. That way there's an adult do and a family do

Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with the kids and coparenting going well between parents.

There is a small chance the children will feel hurt at them being with mum for you to have adult only birthday. And while it is perfectly understandable and reasonable to do this because it falls on their weekend it might hurt them. (Even though easily swapped and all adults happy with the plan). So his intention is fine.

However as you would like a card and some sort of marking of the day including the kids tell him that. Agree not to mention birthday celebration with friends and tell him you would also like to celebrate with the kids. Many people wouldnt be bothered but sounds like you put effort in for mothers day, fathers day etc, just need to communicate that.

Err who are you to say that kids never need a stepparent and that they are “nothing” to them? Loads and loads of people have amazing relationships with their stepparents and they enrich their lives enormously. There are some who don’t of course but then there are also loads of people who go NC with their biological parents in adulthood. Of course OP means something to them. Stop trying to be so cruel and project your own experiences and shortcomings onto the OP.