AIBU to think life falls perfectly for some people?

[Hellskitchen24]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself, so please don’t go too hard at me. Struggling with TTC, general fertility issues, and always struggled with my MH.

Am I delusional in thinking that life does fall pretty perfectly for some people? Someone I know fits into this category; perfect family upbringing, two parents that adore each other and have been married a million years. They purchased her a house and car so she already had a fantastic start. She’s just married a wonderful man who’s good looking from a wealthy family. Instagram is full of them in exotic locations and she looks perfect; perfect figure without an ounce of fat on her, every part of her utterly immaculate. I know they want to start TTC soon and I’m just waiting for the pregnancy announcement. Am I jealous? Hell yes I am, I won’t deny it.

I know comparison is a thief of joy. And I know people curate the best parts of their life to put on Instagram. But some people genuinely do live these wonderful lives (like my example) and never seem to have any hardships. I know a lot it boils down to money; money buys you personal trainers, top quality food, every beauty treatment under the sun, trips to exotic locations. Privilege buys you a headstart in life; no scrimping and saving for absolutely everything, because things are handed to you.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. I know life is unfair and I probably just need to get a grip.

Yes - a lot of "perfect" people are driven to this ideal of perfection because they are so hard on themselves.

It's a miserable way to live, still it gives them great photos...

Yes, some people are fortunate enough to have what to most of us is a charmed existence.

As long as they don't use that/their ignorance of reality for the rest of the population as a reason to be abusive, obstructive or in any other way offensive or hurtful to others, good for them.

And for everybody else, they've got stuff going on in the background that we aren't privy to. As long as they aren't exploiting others less fortunate on the basis of a false image, they can crack on as well.

The ones that deserve contempt or ire are those who pretend their life is perfect in order to extract money, admiration, authority or extra privileges over people they're misleading - a religious leader claiming their fortune and perfect life is down to God and you can have that too if you only keep sending them money, an influencer who sells shite/books on how to be as good as them, a politician who declares that because they happened to get in their position because they were just better than the rest of us and not the top level education, Dad calling in favours to get them into the best university, the parents remortgaging their fifth house to set them up in business and bail them out five times before they discovered the best aesthetic for their SM presence; they're the scum.

You’re right. But we’ve already won the lottery by being born in a free democracy with education, healthcare and safety nets with a government which mostly follows the rules. Instead of comparing your life to hers, try comparing your life to a young mother in Afghanistan or even a young person in the UK who may be caring for a parent or sibling and unable to follow their dreams. Write a gratitude diary daily which will help you reset your way of thinking.

I get the feeling that the more people post on instagram, the deader and emptier their lives 😂 Why try so hard to curate a life image for people?
You don’t know what goes on In peoples’ families and relationships. It could be a shitshow but that stuff doesn’t make it to Instagram.

It grates on me that some truly horrible people get amazing luck and some truly lovely people have been through hell .

I pressed post too soon, I was going say I'm not going to type any cliched shit about comparison is the thief of joy or think how privileged you are compared to people elsewhere in the world. I just think the one certainty every single person everywhere has one thing in common and that's that we are all going to die. It's a 100% certainty. When that happens (and in my mind very much at the moment is "how" that happens) varies.

And I would be lying if I said I'm not feeling slightly bitter and envious of people who aren't in my position. It's natural to feel some sort of envy in any situation really, but I'd save my envy for "bigger" or more important situations like that, not peoples instagram edits of their lives. Save your envy while you can, don't waste it

Comparison is the thief of joy, you are right there. Also, social media shows a highlight reel of people's best lives, not reality. That said, there are always people who have it easier than you or I. And in turn there will be people who you have it easier than. And things can change quickly too. I knew a beautiful girl in university. Wealthy, clever, lovely, had an impressive career comparatively early, married well, travelled, had perfect kids. One child died from cancer and the marriage ended from the stress etc. It's not like one person 'gets' everything and it's like that forever. Anything could happen. It's overwhelming to think about.

I think it's because they are liked . If people like you they make life easy for you , will overlook faults and help you out when you need it and are co operative and pleasant . Doors open for them because people like having them around .

Yes, I've long accepted life is like this. There is no such thing as 'karma' and 'luck' and bad luck is not distributed equally.

People say 'you don't know what is going on behind closed doors' which is true, but often this is said to make people feel better. Maybe their life is even better behind closed doors?

It's true that some bad things in life are unavoidable - we will all experience loss and grief, and we will all die.

But feeling jealous of others is pointless as it will not make you happy nor change the situation.

My children were born in the early 90s. My husband was having an affair, I had terrible pregnancies, we had a tiny house and no money. It was all a bit shit really. Karen Keating ( Google her if you are too young to know who she was) was at the same stage of life as me at the time. She was a TV star, married to a wealthy, handsome man, big house in London blah blah. She was featured in Hello magazine as Designers Guild( hugely expensive fabric etc) had created a nursery for her 2 beautiful children who were the same age as mine. God how I envied her life. She developed breast cancer, fought it for years, but eventually tragically died when her children were just 7 and 8. My children grew up, married,have houses and I'm a granny. I got divorced and remarried a wonderful man. Karen Keating has sadly been gone for 20 years. One of her sons married recently . Don't be jealous of other people. Focus on making your life as good as it can be. I dare say there are plenty of people who were jealous of the current Princess of Wales. The poster girl for perfect lives. Nothing is perfect forever. Be glad of the good things you have even if they don't look as shiny as other people's.

I am so sorry for what’s happening with your lives, @Bendrix and @NotFortunate

OP, you are indeed comparing your ‘inside’ to someone else’s ‘outside’ as a PP wisely said.

Trust me when I say this, the older you get the more you see that the lives you once thought were charmed and perfect are not.
The last few years have taught me that with friends and acquaintances who’ve had plenty to deal with.

Personally I've always felt lucky in life had a good if not brilliant paying job. which I gave up with a year's worth of redundancy money to start a micro business. Always been popular. Now retired at 55 and have a brilliant part time job with great people. Married 30 years to a lovely person who is my best friend. Great family and in laws. I never have to worry about money as I made some good investments.

But we didn't have children despite several rounds of ivf. My career peaked out and I felt it was due to my accent. My mum died when I was 17, dad when I was 24, a month after I married. I had to retire due to arthritis. I don't really see my family much, they've never really bothered with me.

so you see it's about your view point. Im optimistic, I feel that things will go my way and by and large they do.

I also that a lot of lucky people are quite ruthless and self centred underneath a happy persona . They make sure they get what they want by charm and manipulation . They surround themselves with happy fortunate people and environments . I once read a self help book and it said to avoid unhappy , unlucky and unfortunate people and surround yourself with happy successful people . That's a bit harsh and fair weather friend like .

Very wise post @AngelinaFibres

I recently went on holiday to a place where couples go to get the whole Insta engagement package. The beach dining area was set up for them. I watched a few. It felt really empty and sad, despite the amazing setting and all the work the staff had gone through to make it perfect and stunning. None of the couples really spoke; they looked completely switched off apart from when the photographer was snapping away. The surprise and joy for the ring photos were totally manufactured. Then when the camera went away they just looked a bit despondent and exhausted by it all. And you must know how much work it takes to look like that. Do you really want to spend the time and money?

Give me the sea, books, dreams and someone who understands me, to talk with; healthy, happy kids with food on the table and roof over the heads. That's richness.

Yeah some people do have blessed lives, they do exist. Everyone has worries of course.

Comparison is the thief of joy, I always found that a helpful saying.

God I remember that, he married her best mate didn’t he, they were dating within months, I think they are still married.

Totally right, life is very unfair.

I'm very blessed; however, since I was a teenager and through adulthood I have gone through several tragedies, none my fault, none a consequence of my decisions. It's those kind of things that just happen..

I had a very close friend, who I know very well. Even at her 40's she had never gone through any tragedy, not even one. She's not rich but everything she ever wanted would fall into her hands very easily (free long term accommodation with food from strangers not relatives, any job she ever wanted, parents got a free large house from a stranger/their landlord), without ever struggling and then she would say she got it because she was a very hard worker when she only ever worked part time as a choice. She wouldn't see how hard other people had to work for the same things or even could never get through hard work.

Her biggest tragedy/ hardship was just to delay her wedding and even for that she got a psychologist to help her deal with that. Wedding was not cancelled just delayed. We had a fallout because she was very insensitive when I was going through my last tragedy.

I have several other close friends and all of them have been through several tragedies (some with lifelong trauma or consequences) in their lives and I don't understand how she has never been through anything bad. Totally unfair. Everyone should have a mix of tragedies and good breaks.

In the other hand, I've met very rich people (I was their employee), who were going through life changing tragedies and still were very kind to me. So money doesn't spare you tragedies.

@Olivie12

I once worked with someone like that , when someone on our team went through a bereavement she was complaining saying they were dragging the team down with their negativity and got her manger friend to get them removed and placed in another department.

She was one of the most self centred people I have ever met . She had a bubbly exterior which hid a narcissistic , ruthless shallow personality . Yes things went her way because she made sure they did .

I have several other close friends and all of them have been through several tragedies (some with lifelong trauma or consequences) in their lives and I don't understand how she has never been through anything bad. Totally unfair. Everyone should have a mix of tragedies and good breaks

what an awful way to think

I'm not denigrating her at all. All I know about her is what the OP has chosen to describe, which is very blah. Maybe she's great, but it's telling what the OP seizes on as her enviable qualities.

Yes, do people really think this? Should I be regarding my close friend's success as a novelist as having been 'bought' by her serious illness, or the near-death of one of her daughters, which makes it somehow ok?

Dismissing someone’s life as ‘blah’ is denigrating. It may not appeal to you, but then I’m sure someone else would find your life unappealing. As long as someone’s life appeals to them, and they’re happy, then good for them!

And yes, she’s got things that OP wants, it’s no mystery 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sigh. I'm not denigrating her life. I can't denigrate it. I've never met her, all I have is what the OP describes as enviable about that life. Which I think is 'blah', but arguably that says more about the OP than the woman she's talking about. We have no idea whether that woman is happy or not -- one hopes she is.

Absolutely, a lot of people would find my life deeply unenviable. I'm fine with that. How people experience their own lives can vary enormously. A friend I've recently spent a lot of time with could be described as having a lengthy run of terrible luck (aggressive cancer, a serious bike accident, a long legal fight for compensation, her first house bought in her late 40d seriously damaged by flooding not long after she moved in), yet I think she's genuinely one of the most contented and curious people I know. She lives really 'well'.