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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think life falls perfectly for some people?

139 replies

Hellskitchen24 · 08/07/2024 13:19

Feeling a bit sorry for myself, so please don’t go too hard at me. Struggling with TTC, general fertility issues, and always struggled with my MH.

Am I delusional in thinking that life does fall pretty perfectly for some people? Someone I know fits into this category; perfect family upbringing, two parents that adore each other and have been married a million years. They purchased her a house and car so she already had a fantastic start. She’s just married a wonderful man who’s good looking from a wealthy family. Instagram is full of them in exotic locations and she looks perfect; perfect figure without an ounce of fat on her, every part of her utterly immaculate. I know they want to start TTC soon and I’m just waiting for the pregnancy announcement. Am I jealous? Hell yes I am, I won’t deny it.

I know comparison is a thief of joy. And I know people curate the best parts of their life to put on Instagram. But some people genuinely do live these wonderful lives (like my example) and never seem to have any hardships. I know a lot it boils down to money; money buys you personal trainers, top quality food, every beauty treatment under the sun, trips to exotic locations. Privilege buys you a headstart in life; no scrimping and saving for absolutely everything, because things are handed to you.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. I know life is unfair and I probably just need to get a grip.

OP posts:
Whatmonth · 08/07/2024 15:28

If you look at my life you will see a happily married woman.
Great husband, nice house, in your eyes a perfect family.

Reality is I suffered 5 miscarriages before our first child,
second child was still born.
DH was in and out of work for the first 10 years of married life.
He ended up with severe depression.
I have had cancer.
Both of us lost our fathers young.

It's only in the last 15 years we have started to have a good life.

user56438924334516 · 08/07/2024 15:33

In the grand scheme of things I am very fortunate, although I’ve overcome one or two life events that’d break some people.

When i feel a bit miserable, i just remind myself how fortunate we are to be alive here and now, in the western world. Clean water, electricity, abundant food. If this was only a few hundred years ago, id have been dead 20 years if I’d survived infancy!

BabyFedUp445 · 08/07/2024 15:34

Some people have it easier than others. You have it better than a lot of people too, in ways you will never comprehend.

You have to make the best of what you've got.

MumApril1990 · 08/07/2024 15:36

All my friends are from well off families parents still married, help with University and buying a house, family holidays, and help with childcare. I’ve none of that my parents had drug problems now very ill health, I’ve had to do everything myself and struggled to get by financially, no free time now I have a child and no family help. But I’m happy and get on with it. These friends always seem to be worrying about some problem in their lives, things that look insignificant to me, they don’t seem happy or able to cope with small challenges….

Montydone · 08/07/2024 15:41

I think the stress of TTC and fertility issues can really increase comparisons from my experience. I felt hugely envious of others at that stage in my life. So I think what you’re experiencing is really normal and don’t give yourself a hard time for it.

Two things that helped me massively:

  • I deleted all social media! This was enormously beneficial for my mental health and I haven’t looked back - 7 years free from social media now!
  • i tried to focus on what I was thankful for, 5 things a day (can be as “small” as “that the sun is shining today” for instance)
  • I spent time with people who made me feel good and did things I enjoyed
  • also very cheesy but I always find the song “wear sunscreen” a good one when I’m comparing myself to others

good luck

InterIgnis · 08/07/2024 15:43

Would your friend’s life being worse make your situation better? If it would make you feel better, then what does that say about you that you would find satisfaction in her misfortune?

These threads always involve posters jumping into reassure an OP that X must be secretly miserable/will face terrible hardships, as if fantasising about someone else’s misery is the key to cheering yourself up.

Yes, some people do indeed comparatively breeze through life and do so happily. Good for them, honestly.

Epicaricacy · 08/07/2024 15:45

Of course YANBU

Life IS better for some people. Bitter folks pretending that everyone is miserable behind closed doors are deluded themselves.

That said, no one's life is 100% perfect, they will have some of their own problems, even if they end up being nowhere near as bad.
It's also true that SOME people don't know how to relativize, and SOME lucky people find insignificant issues a lot harder to deal with.

Take the lucky ones as an inspiration and a goal. Their life are possible, we are not all cursed, we don't all have to be miserable.

The worst you can do is lie to yourself that happy people are only happy in public. That's ridiculous.

CharlotteRumpling · 08/07/2024 15:47

I have said this many times on here. Get off Insta or only follow cat accounts. It will solve many issues.

StarCourt · 08/07/2024 15:48

Both of my sisters have always fallen on their feet.

DancingLions · 08/07/2024 15:51

I had a friend who had “everything” yet she still found so many things to be bitter and complain about. In the end I had to stop being friends with her for my own MH. She had so much more than me in virtually every aspect of her life but she couldn’t see it or appreciate it.

I think a big problem was she’d never had to go without anything so didn’t appreciate something I might deem a luxury or treat (and enjoy accordingly). She had no major hardships. So even the tiniest issue, she couldn’t deal with. Even though she was well off financially, she’d compare herself to people wealthier than her and complain about it!

When I really got to know her well, I wasn’t envious of her, despite her vast privilege. She was a deeply unhappy person. But only people who knew her very well would see it.

I had a shit childhood and a pretty tough adulthood up to maybe a few years ago, but because of that I appreciate the small things. On paper I don’t have much but I’m genuinely happy with my life. I think when you are privileged and have never known any different, you take it for granted. The same way we take for granted the fact we don’t live in a war torn country or in extreme poverty. You don’t often feel gratitude for what’s always been there.

Luxembourgmama · 08/07/2024 15:52

Having such solid family support will help alot. So yes I think life is unfair in that way.

LadyKenya · 08/07/2024 15:52

InterIgnis · 08/07/2024 15:43

Would your friend’s life being worse make your situation better? If it would make you feel better, then what does that say about you that you would find satisfaction in her misfortune?

These threads always involve posters jumping into reassure an OP that X must be secretly miserable/will face terrible hardships, as if fantasising about someone else’s misery is the key to cheering yourself up.

Yes, some people do indeed comparatively breeze through life and do so happily. Good for them, honestly.

Yes, but there's no shame in the OP wishing that she was one of those lucky people. I never understand why people would make themselves feel worse by being on face book etc, when all it is doing is making them miserable.

InterIgnis · 08/07/2024 15:57

LadyKenya · 08/07/2024 15:52

Yes, but there's no shame in the OP wishing that she was one of those lucky people. I never understand why people would make themselves feel worse by being on face book etc, when all it is doing is making them miserable.

Show quote history

Oh, there’s nothing wrong with her wanting that for herself at all. And yes, agreed on that. Why subject yourself to something that is only making you unhappy? At that point it’s a self inflicted injury.

While jealousy and envy may be common emotions, that doesn’t mean indulging them is a good thing. As humans we have many negative traits that are nevertheless common - they’re still negative.

MathiasBroucek · 08/07/2024 16:02

We tend not to know what's really going on in other people's lives. Does he have a dicky heart? Does she have depression? Was their kid abused by a music teacher? Covering stuff up is the special power of the middle class....

Having money certainly helps to sort out certain problems and it's better than being on the breadline but it's no guarantee of contentment

Ksqordssvimy · 08/07/2024 16:05

Hate these threads as always end up everyone comparing themselves. Listen to Wear Sunscreen. It's a banging song and astute.

KreedKafer · 08/07/2024 16:06

The nature of chance means that there will always be some people who experience a lot of good luck in their lives and some who experience a lot of bad luck. I think that, psychologically, a lot of people find it hard to accept the fact that life is absolutely and unequivocally extremely unfair. But it is.

That doesn't mean we shouldn't do everything we can within our control to make things fairer - in fact, we definitely should do that, and that's a big factor for me in forming political opinions. But there will still always be some things that are fundamentally just completely down to chance.

EdgyCat · 08/07/2024 16:07

I think they are rarer than social media would have us believe but yes some people are lucky and I think it started by having parents who loved them and each other.

ClonedSquare · 08/07/2024 16:07

Yes, plenty of people are very lucky and continue to be so throughout their lives. I never like the attitude that a lot of posters have already mentioned of "you never know if they're really happy", "you never know if something awful will happen to them one day". Plenty of people are just damned lucky and will continue to be so all their lives. No one’s life is 100% perfect but plenty of people live a life that’s as close as can be.

I'm definitely jealous of those people. But all you can do is think of the ways you have been lucky and whether there's any way you can improve the things you haven't been lucky with. There's literally nothing else that can be done.

NeedToChangeName · 08/07/2024 16:14

Learning to accept that life has ups and downs is v powerful

IMHO, too many people expect to be happy all the time. That's unrealistic

I've had struggles in the past. And I daresay there eill be bumps in the road ahead. Right now, my life is going well and I'm v grateful for that. But it's unrealistic to hope it'll always be that way

Skyrainlight · 08/07/2024 16:14

You have no idea what truly goes on inside people's lives and heads.

Myblindsaredown · 08/07/2024 16:16

ClonedSquare · 08/07/2024 16:07

Yes, plenty of people are very lucky and continue to be so throughout their lives. I never like the attitude that a lot of posters have already mentioned of "you never know if they're really happy", "you never know if something awful will happen to them one day". Plenty of people are just damned lucky and will continue to be so all their lives. No one’s life is 100% perfect but plenty of people live a life that’s as close as can be.

I'm definitely jealous of those people. But all you can do is think of the ways you have been lucky and whether there's any way you can improve the things you haven't been lucky with. There's literally nothing else that can be done.

Edited

No I don’t like the attitude of something bad maybe going on or might happen, it’s just envy in disguise.

im not envious though, i know im better off than many, worse off than some, i dont care, i only focus on my life, and want those around me who i love, like or care for, to be happy.

Skyrainlight · 08/07/2024 16:16

How about you start comparing yourself to those much less fortunate that you that would love your life. Either you haven't travelled to areas with serious poverty or you have blocked out the lives some people live.

Starlight1979 · 08/07/2024 16:24

We were on holiday in Greece recently. We saw extreme poverty on the streets of Athens (full families of immigrants sleeping on the side of the road with barely any belongings) and then days later, multi-millionaires (possibly billionaires?!) on their yachts in the harbours of the Greek Islands with staff running round after them.

I felt jealous of all these wealthy people on their yachts, who probably have the money and freedom to just sail and holiday whenever they want, but then remembered the families in Athens who has absolutely nothing and will never have a holiday in their lives.

My point being, there are always people better and worse off.

Also remember, just because people have money, doesn't mean they're happy.

HcbSS · 08/07/2024 16:24

My cousins. Life has jut gone on for them during my beloved gran's illness and horrible death while my mum and I have been left utterly battered. I am as upset about that as actually losing her (I know, grief isn't rational)

MadYoke · 08/07/2024 16:25

bergamotorange · 08/07/2024 13:30

Yes, some people have good fortune.

Some people have terrible fortune.

But never compare your life to someone else's unless you are confident you know ALL the details - people often put their best face on for the outside world.

All of this. Sadly life is very unfair. But also, what looks lovely from the outside isn't always lovely from the inside