AIBU to think life falls perfectly for some people?

[Hellskitchen24]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself, so please don’t go too hard at me. Struggling with TTC, general fertility issues, and always struggled with my MH.

Am I delusional in thinking that life does fall pretty perfectly for some people? Someone I know fits into this category; perfect family upbringing, two parents that adore each other and have been married a million years. They purchased her a house and car so she already had a fantastic start. She’s just married a wonderful man who’s good looking from a wealthy family. Instagram is full of them in exotic locations and she looks perfect; perfect figure without an ounce of fat on her, every part of her utterly immaculate. I know they want to start TTC soon and I’m just waiting for the pregnancy announcement. Am I jealous? Hell yes I am, I won’t deny it.

I know comparison is a thief of joy. And I know people curate the best parts of their life to put on Instagram. But some people genuinely do live these wonderful lives (like my example) and never seem to have any hardships. I know a lot it boils down to money; money buys you personal trainers, top quality food, every beauty treatment under the sun, trips to exotic locations. Privilege buys you a headstart in life; no scrimping and saving for absolutely everything, because things are handed to you.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. I know life is unfair and I probably just need to get a grip.

I felt very lucky and was very lucky til about forty and then I have had lots of unlucky things happen. No-one gets out of this life alive, OP. Most people end up experiencing ill-health, bereavement, sorrow, children being a pain, the whole gamut of things. Many will feel alone at your age if they don't have a partner.

I know it's easy to say, and hard to live, but comparing isn't appropriate, you don't know what's around the corner for them or you, but it is ok to feel sorry for yourself occasionally.

I understand, I felt the same when undergoing hardships.
The thing is that most people have hard time, people who look and seem perfect usually have hard time even when they look fine on the outside. It takes a lot of self regulation and work to look perfect and thin and to have the perfect job.
I had a (casual) friend at university who looked like she had a perfect life on the outside. She was at the top of her class, looked amazing, exercises every day, found a great job upon graduating where she was excelling and had a nice apartment bought by her parents.

What people didn't see is she was very harsh to herself, she achieved top grades because she pushed herself so much, partly driven by her extremely ambitious parents. She had a warped sense of self image, not far from an eating disorder, hence the compulsion to exercise even when she was sick or very tired Just recently, she started being very public about a burnout she went through when people thought she is at the top of the world.

I'll never have a career like her and never was as fit as her, but I actually like my body and am happy with my career/work life balance.

Obviously alot of things are incredibly unfair. And yet almosg everyone born in this country is better off- through - luck than people born in certain other countries - whether that be due to poverty, war, natural disasters or a misogynistic society (for women).

But then almost everyone has some tragedy in their life too. A friend of mine has the appearance of life landing perfectly. But in fact she has dealt with horrible grief, with children’s illness/ disability, with really bad anxiety of her own. You never know really what people have in their lives.

So very few people do have a perfect life - and money can’t guarantee you are shielded from everything.

What do you mean? Some people are lucky, some have great lives and are happy, some have lives that look great and are not. Some live lives that look mediocre but are happy, some just live bad lives.

op, do you ever compare against people who have less than you, or is it just envy of those with more?

YABU

It may seem that way to you but no one really knows what is going on for anyone else. You might think you do but we all choose what we disclose or let people see.

I say this as someone who had a stillborn baby and took 5 years to conceive again whilst watching peers and family members loves continue and grown their families.

It's a not a nice place to be or way to feel. I understand you but honestly, for those who you think have it easy, they are still struggling in their own way.

I think some people do, do better on the 'winning' in life. Of course everyone has hardships and I am sure that lady will at some point, if she hasn't already privately had some.

I know people say you don't know how someone feels etc.. But surely that can be said of poorer people, who aren't as good looking, and didn't have financial help from their parents to buy a house.

Money can't buy you happiness but it sure can help!

It’s understandable you feel the way you do but remember no-ones life is really perfect though it can be made to appear so.

A lot of it is attitude as well - someone could have a house bought for them and be in a good marriage and still not be happy if they don’t appreciate it and someone who takes things for granted is more likely to not appreciate it. You’d be amazed what advantages some people will overlook in their determination to be dissatisfied.

It is of course true that some people have more privileged lives than others. You’re actually probably pretty high on the worldwide scale of privilege yourself. This is not to diminish how you feel at all, but just to show that how someone’s life looks is a poor insight into how it feels. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, however easy their lives look to others.

I hope your struggles with TTC resolve soon; that’s a hard place for you to be and it’s no wonder it’s making you feel miserable.

I can’t imagine wishing hardship on someone who seems more fortunate than me.

Completely understandable to feel this way.
I am that person you might feel has everything - wonderful upbringing, parents very helpful to me now, house partly funded by inheritance, hard working husband, easily conceived healthy children. It's not all been luck- I purposely choose to live where I do for parental help, we did 2 house renovations requiring many many hours of hard physical work, I have always had to really work at school and uni to get the results I did.
But I have lost contact with a whole group of friends I wish I still had and I have struggled to make close friends as an adult, despite trying quite hard to be likeable and sociable.

Some days the fear of what's going to happen is quite a lot, because I know no one's life can be all good. I feel sure one day my world is going to come crashing down, most likely my husband will die young in a horrific accident. Unfortunately this is something I spend time worrying about. I suspect when it does I will really struggle because I have not had much opportunity to practise dealing with hardship and develop coping mechanisms.

@Debbiejv I'm sorry to hear that, I do think it seems so unfair at times, life that is.

Things can happen to people ina blink of an eye. I don’t resent people for their lives anymore because I know just how quick peoples lives can change.

i tend to relate more to people who have been through shit, they get it on a level that others don’t

First, you need to get off social media. It’s not real life and even if it was, it’s doing you no favours whatsoever.

It sounds glib but you just have to play the hand you’re dealt and stop comparing yourself to others.

How do you know she's any happier though?

People tend to have a default state of happiness, some people are miserable fuckers, some enjoy their lives even when they're objectively shit. Some of the richest, most blessed people I've known are deeply unhappy, in fact I think it's more likely, you're more likely to keep chasing the next dream when you're unhappy with your current lost.

Look at Elon Musk, noone being that much of a twat can actually be happy with their lives.

I like Elon Musk

I'm a "glass half full" rather than a glass half empty kind of person and I see it the other way round : several women of my age that I know well have been widowed young or had cancer, or had children with cancer or life-limiting illnesses or just general ill-health or have been the victims of terrible car accidents.
I am healthy and happily married, with DC who are successful in the professions of their choice. My parents didn't set me up in life, DH and I don't earn a fortune but what we have is enough to be contented.

Count your blessings rather than envying what you think are other people's "perfect lifestyles".

Yeah, life's not fair. However, we do have it pretty good here in the UK compared to the rest of the world.

I find it helps to look at how much better your life is than others, rather than look at those doing better.

Hard sometimes to not get jealous. Takes a lot of effort. I don't look at one (ex) friend's socials as they have had so many privileges in life and can't see it.

It's easier to not get jealous of those who have privileges and acknowledge that.

It does seem that way sometimes. But you never really know what someone is going through. This person might have struggles that you don’t know about. I do understand how you feel. There’s someone in my extended family that had her expensive wedding and the deposit on her house paid for by her and her husband’s parents. It did feel unfair when my husband and I had to save for years for those things. I also wanted a child for forever before I got pregnant, and seeing pregnancy announcements made me very jealous. So I’m not judging you at all for feeling this way, but you should try not to compare your life to others because it isn’t helping you.

I think it can look as if life falls perfectly for some people, but everyone has their own issues/struggles and you never know what is going on. I had a friend once who had infertility issues over years, and this affected her MH very badly, she had to be hospitalized several times. She had an entry level job in a governmental department, so not a big career by any means, but it was a distraction for her. A mutual friend, with 3 dc, a lovely home and dh, lovely 'making memories' holidays abroad etc etc told me she was so jealous of infertile friend, she was living her dream life, she would love "a job like that". The grass often seems greener in your neighbour's garden.

I get you.
Abusive marriage and lots of miscarriages makes me feel like this sometimes. BUT we all land high up on the fortuante list. Look at Congo. Palestine. All over. We have rights, clean water, heating, education, a roof and more. SO much of the world is in abject poverty. I am third-generation immigrant to the UK and going back home reminds me of how much we really have. Shit comes and goes. Life happens. Im healthy and alive.

It does and it doesn't, I don't think we always see the bigger picture of what's going on in their lives.

I'm having a very bitter day today so I get where you're coming from.

Some people are undoubtedly more fortunate than others. However, this woman is, what..? 30 something? And you're similar? Because that's WAY too soon to talk of the way your lives will fall. I was born into a hard up family. My young years were very 'unlucky' indeed, with parental illness, the early death of my mum, then relationship issues, financial pressures arising from that.. I'm now in my mid 50s, and truly consider myself highly fortunate. Amazing adult children, grandchildren, lovely partner and friends, job I love, nice home, easy stress free life, good health, enough money to enjoy the things I want to do. I'd not swap with anyone. This is partly how my life has fallen, partly the things I've made happen, but also a great deal to do with mindset. Because I've learned not to look at what I don't have, but what I do and that happiness is less getting what you want and more learning to want what you've got.

Sorry you are feeling down op, I had fertility problems and it’s shit isn’t it.
Sending you my love and a wish that your dream comes true.

Sure I'm sure some people do. But the vast majority do not. Most just trudge along taking the good and bad, hoping the former outweighs the latter.
A relative nice said to me 'you've landed on your feet' when I met a lovely, high earning man at 39, married at 40, had first child at 41. But I spent decades on my own (while she has a good career, married at 24 and had a child). And then my husband died suddenly at 51.
My best friend looks like she has it all. SAHP, nice house, kids at private school. But wait - at least seven miscarriages between kids, her husband spent a year in prison for tax evasion...you don't see her posting that news in Facebook!
One friend truly does seemed charmed. Lawyer but now artist, big house. Second home in France, full time housekeeper, loving husband. Oh but wait - her eldest has ME, has dropped out of uni and is struggling after initially coming out of long term anxiety which saw her home schooled up until year 8.