AIBU to think life falls perfectly for some people?

[Hellskitchen24]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself, so please don’t go too hard at me. Struggling with TTC, general fertility issues, and always struggled with my MH.

Am I delusional in thinking that life does fall pretty perfectly for some people? Someone I know fits into this category; perfect family upbringing, two parents that adore each other and have been married a million years. They purchased her a house and car so she already had a fantastic start. She’s just married a wonderful man who’s good looking from a wealthy family. Instagram is full of them in exotic locations and she looks perfect; perfect figure without an ounce of fat on her, every part of her utterly immaculate. I know they want to start TTC soon and I’m just waiting for the pregnancy announcement. Am I jealous? Hell yes I am, I won’t deny it.

I know comparison is a thief of joy. And I know people curate the best parts of their life to put on Instagram. But some people genuinely do live these wonderful lives (like my example) and never seem to have any hardships. I know a lot it boils down to money; money buys you personal trainers, top quality food, every beauty treatment under the sun, trips to exotic locations. Privilege buys you a headstart in life; no scrimping and saving for absolutely everything, because things are handed to you.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. I know life is unfair and I probably just need to get a grip.

You never know. I had a similar friend who yes conceived quickly but the child was profoundly disabled and still does not talk age 11.

I know how you feel. Many of my old school friends fit into this lifestyle of your friend you describe. I on the hand come from a broken home of domestic violence, have minimum contact with my parents, and have a severe mental health issue.

But I'm lucky in so many other ways. I have a full time job I love and I'm bloody good at, 2 amazing adult children who are doing well, a roof over my head (even if it's social housing), food in my cupboards, the heating on when I want,I can afford the occasional holiday and a fiancé that adores me. I may not have much compared to some of my friends, but I also have a lot more than other people.

Social media is great for keeping in touch with people, reminding you of memories and having a Live Photo album. But it can also rob you of your happiness if you let it.

Or how much fucking effort, self denial and discipline they go through! 😊

I agree op.

Ive found, the older i get, i prefer people who haven't had an easy cushy life. They are generally nicer, kinder, more understanding than the ones who have had everything handed to them on a plate.

I think some people are much luckier than others and don’t have to work much in order to get it.
I don’t necessarily envy people who are extremely lucky, but I do dislike the ones that claim they’ve worked hard for it when you know they haven’t (im talking about the ones who haven’t worked in their life, have nanny’s and cleaners all paid for by their husbands, - someone I know has that sort of life) or claim they are in the same boat as everyone else, when they aren’t. The ones that say they struggle to make ends meet when they are mortgage free and have a household income over 180k (I’m still talking about the same person!), meanwhile others they are comparing themselves to as “in the same boat” struggle to pay for food and heating.

Curious: how do you know for sure which people have had a cushy life? If you met me, you might think I have. Actually I haven't. I am just a private person and don't talk about my problems on social media or even to many friends.

You don’t know what is going on in somebody else’s life.

From the outside my life might look perfect to some. I had a school mum sarcastically comment on how nice it must be for me not to work, even though my children are now teenagers.

What she doesn’t know is that the reason I don’t work is because I have bipolar disorder and it’s a constant battle to keep myself well. I don’t work because I had to make the decision to ensure I reduce my stress levels as much as I possibly can. So I walk my dog, go to the gym and generally have what she clearly sees as an easy life. But it’s not easy it’s fucking awful. My whole life is controlled by my mental health.

Well, the person you describes sounds very blah. She's thin and photogenic. Her parents bought her a car and a house and she married someone rich and good-looking, and they're probably going to have a baby. None of that is interesting.

If that's all you want in life, I suppose this person's life is perfect insofar as you can see it via Instagram. My standards are different (and higher).

I agree with you OP and it's hard to not feel bitter sometimes.

I did 10 years of gruelling ivf to finally have my son.
He has a neurdevelopmental issue.
Last month my husband was diagnosed with advanced cancer completely out of the blue so now won't see our longed for child grow up.

I envy people who haven't had the huge emotional loss and trauma I've suffered

People might look at me and think many of the things you think about your acquaintance.
We are very lucky in many ways.
BUT the last 12 months have been very different. Serious health issues for 3 very close family members. Job concerns etc etc
Its not always as wonderful as it looks.

If she’s happy, who cares if anyone else finds it interesting? Why denigrate someone for being different to you?

Watch the news for 10 minutes and you'll realise how high up the chain you are in reality.

You're not sleeping in your clothes because you have to get to a bomb shelter when the missile siren goes off.

You're not identifying a loved one's remains that are in a carrier bag.

The majority of people on the planet would also see you as one of the ones life falls perfectly for, even if it doesn't feel that way to you.

Just be happy that things are going well for her and get on with your own life. Some of the most unhappy people are those that compare their own life to others. They're so busy being jealous and bitter about others that they fail to notice the good things in their own life.

I never get why some people make themselves feel better by saying 'their time will come' type comments, like they're wishing and waiting for something to go wrong for others.

Would you be as jealous of her if she also would struggle to fall pregnant? Is it really about what she has and how she is, or more about the baby you don't have (but imagine her having sooner than you) ?

If your own life looked as falling perfectly too, think that you would be the subject of gossips from some bitter jealous people - like some posters on here - who would be making up all sort of stories about you to pretend you were in fact miserable.

You are right, it's not fair, but hopefully if you are TTC it means you have a supportive and caring partner?

Of course some people have better life’s than others, I mean compared to a huge part of the world you’re living a privileged life despite struggles. Whenever I feel a bit peeved with this kind of thing I try and count my blessings and we are blessed living in a safe part of the world (assuming you do)

…but at least she probably feels no need to tell others how superior she is!

Your friend does have rainy days, but faces them with a smile.
All this lucky people do have issues, but they focus on celebrating what they have and being happy and content.
Of course, it is more difficult to put a perfect facade if we have health issues or major finantial difficulties. I wish yoyr TTC will go smoothly. Fingers crossed for you.

I'm a great believer in making your own luck in the world. In my experience, the people who moan about how shit their lives are tend to attract more shit. It's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Bad things happen to all of us. Nobody gets through life without some kind of stress, be that work, relationships, health, bereavement. What you can control is your reaction to it.

There's always someone richer, prettier, cleverer... just as there's always someone worse off. Be thankful for what you have. Life is too short to not make the most of it,

We can never know what other people's lives are like and often our assumptions are wrong.

I read an article in the paper this weekend about somebody whose name I remembered as being an editor of a magazine and when DCs were young I used to read her editorials and think she had it all - a great job, lovely husband and baby, fantastic lifestyle and perks, etc. The article now tells how her husband died while she was pregnant with DD2, her DD1 died aged 6, her second marriage imploded, she was made redundant and spent time suffering severe depression and PTSD.
Even people who don't have those major traumas face their own difficulties so all we can do is make the best of all we have and be grateful for that

Just remember OP, struggles, hardships, depression, money worries, marriage problems never make it to Instagram or Social Media or their outside bubble.
I used to be terrible for this, but myself too have struggled and after 3 miscarriages and mental health struggles I cannot control the outcome of everything and everyone and I am trying to just live day by day and always remember the positives.
To me, I have a home, a lovely dog, a lovely partner and I wake up healthy every single day.. not always happy, sad or a millionaire…I’m getting there. Just hold on tight, remember you only live once, don’t waste it on comparing and treasure the life you have. Remember not everyone in the world makes it half as far, sending hugs xxx

It's an odd one and some people don't like it when nice things happen after shite. Everyone thought my 1st marriage was great. I didn't want to be with him due to emotional and financial abuse. Struggled for a while to get pregnant then had a prem baby. Left when baby was young and admittedly struggled for a few years. Some friends were great at this time. However now I'm remarried and have a bigger house some have fallen away. I have no idea what's going to come for me or then so why be envious? I would have liked a 2nd child but now too old and scared to have another prem

On the outside, some people would say life was "falling pretty perfectly" for me although I don't use social medial like Instagram or Facebook etc. I was fortunate to be born into an already wealthy family, have healthy and happy (apart from some tricky teenage periods!) children, married very young and so have also had long and genuinely very happy marriage, good job etc. I did even get the odd "you're so lucky/your life looks so perfect" type remarks from acquaintances.

I'm not fortunate really because that I'm going to die soon, and thinking of my children and husband grieving for me, is the absolutely worst feeling in the world. Knowing it but not knowing exactly when is also terrible, as is imaging my husband and children having the same feeling. I take comfort in the fact I have managed to see my children into their adulthood (and that really was luck as I happened to meet my husband and marry unusually young. Ironically he is a lot older!) and that my life insurances will give my children a good inheritance.

I can imagine in future years, in that light, people looking at my children from the outside would think they "landed on their feet" and are very privileged, possibly posting bitchy comments about them on media forums. I don't give a fuck to be honest, just like don't I really give a fuck how other people see me "on paper".

Im sure it’s already been said but, there is always always someone more fortunate than you. And a hell of a lot of people less fortunate. I think gratitude is massively under appreciated when it comes to learning to be happy and live a content life. This is absolutely not a criticism but finding a way to be happy for the life you have will enable you to not compare, and live contently. (Obv this isn’t always possible, especially if you have been dealt a really awful hand in life)

jealousy is an emotion, like anger, sadness, happiness. It’s natural and there is nothing wrong with feeling it but you can’t let it negatively affect your life.