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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work/travel opportunity. H thinks IABU

124 replies

CatFanDogFan · 07/07/2024 21:08

I’ve been offered an incredible work opportunity for next year. 4 days work in a bucket list location with 2-3 days off between working.

My youngest is in primary school (11) so I talked to H, explained how exciting this could be, and asked if he could take that time of work (usually I work part time and WFH so I’m always the one to do school drop offs and pick ups, and I’m always the one who deals with illness, appointments and all other child related surprises. H works full time)

He’s acting really put out about it, and his main reason is “it’s in February, I don’t want to take time off when it’s likely to be shit weather just to stay at home with dc”. He thinks I’m putting him in a really difficult situation. I think he’s being a sulky manchild who is shirking his responsibility as a father.

YABU - I shouldn’t expect to travel for work when I have a young child.
YANBU - he’s a dick.

OP posts:
Arewealljustloosingtheplot · 07/07/2024 21:13

Your kid is 11 not a baby and your husband sounds like a right wet fish. He needs to put his parenting pants on and suck it up.

MabelMoo23 · 07/07/2024 21:16

YANBU to want to travel absolutely not! Especially to a bucket list.

but I do think YABU to expect him to take time off whilst you are.away - can’t after school club be used? Only because isn’t it better to have annual leave taken together as a family? I mean if he wants to take it that’s fine, but I do think YABU to expect him to take annual leave. Maybe the odd the day perhaps, but the whole time? Your child is 11!

keylimedog · 07/07/2024 21:17

By next year would your child not be in high school? Not sure why your DH would need to take AL? Can't you use after school clubs or similar?

I would definitely do the work trip! Especially if it's a bucket list location.

GatherYePearls · 07/07/2024 21:21

Yanbu but I can't tell from your post how long you'll be away for... 4 days, 7 days or is it a more permanent thing?

Ioverslept · 07/07/2024 21:22

Could he ask for late starts and early finishes for a few days or sort out alternative childcare? Is it during the school's half term holidays or would the child be going to school? Can you arrange sleepovers or relatives to help? I know a family where both parents work away usually not simultaneously but on occasion they have and grandparents and other friends chipped in, child being younger so at that age even less of a worry. Lot os kids that age take themselves to school and back and wait at home on their own for parents to get back from work!

Original poster
CatFanDogFan · 07/07/2024 21:23

It’s early next year.
H would need to take him to school and pick him up, even with after school club the travel time/distance would mean he’d have to work shorter hours, which his work does not allow.

I’m resentful as he’s never had to take any time off for any child reason at all, because I do all of that. He’s never had to consider what happens when ds is ill.

OP posts:
Rewis · 07/07/2024 21:24

Wait, is this a week long thing? First sentence I assumed it was for the whole of next year.

Original poster
CatFanDogFan · 07/07/2024 21:24

GatherYePearls · 07/07/2024 21:21

Yanbu but I can't tell from your post how long you'll be away for... 4 days, 7 days or is it a more permanent thing?

7 days. It’s a one off thing, if it’s repeated it’ll be once a year at most.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2024 21:24

I’m always the one who deals with illness, appointments and all other child related surprises.

And you always will is the message.

FWIW by then DC can probably get to school and back alone and he can be at work. Mine did at that age. Any GP/friend who could check in?

Original poster
CatFanDogFan · 07/07/2024 21:24

Rewis · 07/07/2024 21:24

Wait, is this a week long thing? First sentence I assumed it was for the whole of next year.

No, sorry, I worded it badly.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2024 21:26

If you said, "DH after 11 years of me being the one doing all the child-related work, I'd really appreciate it if you could organise this week. I know it's not ideal but I'm asking" what would be say?

SuncreamAndIceCream · 07/07/2024 21:26

I'd take your kid out of school for a week and travel together

If it's a bucket list destination take advantage! Yes you'd have to pay for an extra room maybe or upgrade to a family room but why not.

Rewis · 07/07/2024 21:26

Seriously you have a work thing for one week and he has to be the primary parent for one week and he is complaining? And he has 6 months to practise taking care of a kid that's almost a teenager and I'm assuming is self functioning and doesn't really require caring? I can't.

Bosabosa · 07/07/2024 21:27

7 days?? Go for it!! It is a week of annual leave, he will survive and maybe he can find interesting stuff to do during the day, like an adult would do.

Pippa12 · 07/07/2024 21:27

Its poor form that your ‘D’H cannot support you for just 7 days with over 6 bloody months notice. I’d be furious.

JustMarriedBecca · 07/07/2024 21:27

CatFanDogFan · 07/07/2024 21:23

It’s early next year.
H would need to take him to school and pick him up, even with after school club the travel time/distance would mean he’d have to work shorter hours, which his work does not allow.

I’m resentful as he’s never had to take any time off for any child reason at all, because I do all of that. He’s never had to consider what happens when ds is ill.

So if he has to work shorter hours then take a half day and WFH.

I've started working away once every two months for 1-3 days. It's been unbelievably liberating and turning it down would have been career suicide.

Take the trip. Your husband needs to facilitate your career now you've facilitated his.

Original poster
CatFanDogFan · 07/07/2024 21:27

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2024 21:24

I’m always the one who deals with illness, appointments and all other child related surprises.

And you always will is the message.

FWIW by then DC can probably get to school and back alone and he can be at work. Mine did at that age. Any GP/friend who could check in?

No GP around, no friends local enough.

Ds gets anxious around school so as much familiarity as possible is key, hence asking H.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/07/2024 21:28

Yanbu it's one fucking week I'm sure he'll manage. If he kicks off I'd be going mad if it's so fucking difficult to sort out the logistics of one 11 year old child for one week, why the hell is he leaving it all to you to do? Either its hard work and he should be sharing the load, or its easy so she shouldn't have an issue

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2024 21:28

SuncreamAndIceCream · 07/07/2024 21:26

I'd take your kid out of school for a week and travel together

If it's a bucket list destination take advantage! Yes you'd have to pay for an extra room maybe or upgrade to a family room but why not.

Does your workplace allow you to bring your child to work with you? Mine doesn't.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/07/2024 21:29

He's being selfish, this isn't at all unreasonable.

He's welcome to negotiate with his work to work around drop offs and pick ups if he prefers.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2024 21:29

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/07/2024 21:28

Yanbu it's one fucking week I'm sure he'll manage. If he kicks off I'd be going mad if it's so fucking difficult to sort out the logistics of one 11 year old child for one week, why the hell is he leaving it all to you to do? Either its hard work and he should be sharing the load, or its easy so she shouldn't have an issue

It's one of those magical tasks that is easy when women do it and hard when men do. There are lots of them.

BingoMarieHeeler · 07/07/2024 21:29

YANBU. You dont have a young child and you do have a strange husband. He should be excited for you. I can’t understand his reaction. It’s not like you’re going for a month.

LettuceTruss · 07/07/2024 21:29

My DH used to be like this. A friend made him say “I understand that your job is at least as important as mine and my dick won’t drop off this if I acknowledge it and help make your life easier.”

Original poster
CatFanDogFan · 07/07/2024 21:29

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2024 21:26

If you said, "DH after 11 years of me being the one doing all the child-related work, I'd really appreciate it if you could organise this week. I know it's not ideal but I'm asking" what would be say?

I’ve never thought of asking him like that.
I’ll give him a couple of days to recover then ask.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 07/07/2024 21:29

He's being shit. I had a similar opportunity this year. A week in an exciting location with some time for tourist stuff on a couple of days. With only 3 weeks notice. DC are primary.

When I was asked I thought it was a big ask for DH (as it would be for me) to be solo parent for a week at no notice. He replied to my message in about 1 minute telling me absolutely to go and he'd work it out.

Your DH has tons of notice to get the week organised.