Work/travel opportunity. H thinks IABU

[CatFanDogFan]

I’ve been offered an incredible work opportunity for next year. 4 days work in a bucket list location with 2-3 days off between working.

My youngest is in primary school (11) so I talked to H, explained how exciting this could be, and asked if he could take that time of work (usually I work part time and WFH so I’m always the one to do school drop offs and pick ups, and I’m always the one who deals with illness, appointments and all other child related surprises. H works full time)

He’s acting really put out about it, and his main reason is “it’s in February, I don’t want to take time off when it’s likely to be shit weather just to stay at home with dc”. He thinks I’m putting him in a really difficult situation. I think he’s being a sulky manchild who is shirking his responsibility as a father.

YABU - I shouldn’t expect to travel for work when I have a young child.
YANBU - he’s a dick.

Honestly he’s being hopeless, I would die on this hill.

6 months notice to look after an 11 yo for a week - pffft that’s so not worth arguments and months of sulking, he is being very unreasonable.

I have children and a job that allows me to travel overseas at least 4 times a year.

Sometimes DH flies out to join me (kids stay with GPs) and if not I stay on for a few days of solo touristing.

My DH absolutely supports this.

Your DH is an arse and probably jealous.

This would be cards on the table time for me. You've supported him completely in his work schedule for 11 years, he can't do it for 7 days. It just speaks to how he sees you, as a lesser person who is there to facilitate him and your child.

I work in a field where working internationally is the norm, and most people don't drag their 11 year old and husband along because they can't cope, I'd want a break from them, you know, like the break your husband gets in all the wrap around school hours care you do on a daily basis.

My husband would do this in a heartbeat. And support me with congratulations and excitement. Your husband is behaving in a spiteful, jealous and churlish way. You can learn a lot about him from this. I am sorry OP.

I wouldn't have this problem with my DH.

But if I were you, I'd be telling him I was doing it, and he's only to come back to me about it if there are major (like potentially life-threatening, catastrophic) problems. I'd tell him that he needs to start planning for it now, and that would be that.

This is the bit that stands out for me. He is jealous of you having any kind of success in your career. You are supposed to stay home, keep house and do childcare. He is the man with his VIJ (very important job).

The other thing that stands out is “it’s in February, I don’t want to take time off when it’s likely to be shit weather just to stay at home with dc”. He doesn't want to bother with his DC; they're not important enough to him to spend time with on a fun project at home.

Recommend asking him if this means that he simply doesn't like parenting his own child and expects you to do it all? You could detail the amount of hours you spend doing childcare and running the house each week versus the hours he spends and factor in the hours you spend working and travelling to work. I'm guessing that you still do the lion's share.

I'd then explain that given his lack of support for your career and doing so little of the parenting, you are going to take a back seat and concentrate on your career from now on as you'll be needing it in the future when you go your separate ways. Make it sound factual as though you have seriously thought this over and it will be happening. Explain that when this happens he will find that he will be solely responsible for his DC up to 50% of the time. I'd put this to him quite seriously as if you mean it. He needs a wake up call.

Offline, I would invite my DM/DF/DMil/DFil/DSis/DB/DSil/DBil/friend (basically anyone you know well and trust who is available and willing to help) to stay for the week and do school pickups and drop offs, meals etc. as he can't/won't parent his own child. On no account should you not make the most of this opportunity. While you are there, just keep in touch with your DC sending them lots of photos of you having fun etc.

Hmmm...
So your husband is actively stopping you, presumably wouldn't stop you from running yourself ragged around the grunt work in the household?
Poor lamb, probably too much of a change for him.
Take the job.
🎵

I don’t think it’s jealousy, I think it’s that me doing more work wise means he has to do more, and he doesn’t want that. He sticks his head in the sand and doesn’t address anything he doesn’t want to. Either way it’s not great though. I don’t want to live my life making compromises for him that he doesn’t reciprocate.

Ffs. How does he justify your support for his trips?

Would this be an issue if he didn’t have to take a week of leave? I agree that it is unreasonable of him not wanting to facilitate your career, to find a way for you to got on this trip - you’re meant to be a team. But, I can see that using 20% of your annual leave to sit around the house at that time of year is a bit of a downer

It’s some 6 months away so there must be a solution to the school runs

I agree this is a hill to die on.
You've asked, he's huffed. Now you TELL him, I'm away for a week with work, parenting is on you.
If you don't step up then I no longer want to be in this relationship so we will.separated and then you will be forced to step up on you're designated time.
He's an absolute arse.

You need to set this mental load aside. Put your trip on the calendar.

Email the school, cc your H to say you will be away on X dates and H will be the primary contact. Give them his mobile number. You will be away.

A week before the trip contact the school again by phone or in person, check they have his number and follow up by email. This is so that your H knows it's in the public domain now that he's on point. It will annoy him because his "good guy" image is now on the line if he doesn't step up.

Buy bread, sandwich fillings and a few ready meals and make sure your DS can feed himself.

Go on the trip. The absolute worst that will happen is that your H doesn't take him to school and he stays home.

In the meantime this is a game of chicken. You will worry about it and want to remind him to reassure yourself that he will in fact step up. Do not do this. Simply leave it on the calendar as he would do.

When it's time to go you need to ensure he can't sabotage you. Leave the day/night before and stay in a hotel if you have to. You may find he has a massive work emergency or loses his wallet and gets stranded somewhere so that you miss your flight.

it’s worse than no reciprocity, it’s ‘take, take, take’ from your H. At your direct expense. Unfair and sexist.

Why don't senior school children go to school on their own anymore? I passed one today with parents stood at the gates like a primary school.

She's working what she supposed to do put him in a draw for 4 days.

Go for it.

He's being a sulky jealous man child. Ignore his behaviour and do what you need to do (like a man always does).

@jannier the OP has said her DS has anxiety around school, hence the lifts etc. One of mine was the same.

Unbelievably selfish. That would be the end for me

Yes I thought this too. If he is so unhelpful in this instance (and others from the sounds of it, taking you for granted for his trips etc) that you actually end up separating then rather than having to do one week with his child as a one off he’ll potentially end up having to navigate work and childcare every other week indefinitely!
Honestly think some men don’t realise that they are parents too.

If all he did is put the dates on the calendar then do the same

Absolutely go - he's being a selfish arse not to just manage to parent fully for a week.
Because that's what it is - not covering you, or doing a favour, but for once in his life actually taking full responsibility for ds without relying on you to step up in any situation

I feel sorry for your dc that your h can't see how this could be a lovely time for the two of them

I travel around 4 x year for a few days at a time and never once has DH questioned sorting the dc / we're a team
Now they are older teens he sometimes comes with - which is lovely

At this stage, I suggest you think like a single parent. What would you do if it was only you at home (which sounds possible based on recent posts) and you were offered this opportunity?

1. Ask ExH to have DS for the week
2. Ask family member to come to stay with DS for the week
3. Arrange for DS to ago to stay with friend or family member (even if it means missing school)
4. Nanny
5. Take DS with you (depending on your role, of course)

Would any of those work for you?

No family to stay over or I’d have asked them already.
I can’t take ds with me as the working days will be long and I need to focus on that primarily, not worrying about ds.
The simplest thing would be for H to take a week off, unpaid if necessary, but he’s now refusing to talk about it.
I’ve put the dates in the calendar, hopefully he can process them - in reality he’ll ignore it until I bring it up again and then be stressed all over again about it.

You sound like you don't want to stay married to him as this is a long pattern of behaviour. What woukd happen if you gave him an ultimatum? If you left him over this, he'd have to take more than a week off, and do a hell of a lot more childcare!

I completely agree. The simplest thing would be for him to do it. I’m sorry he’s being so unsupportive. It might be worth exploring paid childcare now though.