Work/travel opportunity. H thinks IABU

[CatFanDogFan]

I’ve been offered an incredible work opportunity for next year. 4 days work in a bucket list location with 2-3 days off between working.

My youngest is in primary school (11) so I talked to H, explained how exciting this could be, and asked if he could take that time of work (usually I work part time and WFH so I’m always the one to do school drop offs and pick ups, and I’m always the one who deals with illness, appointments and all other child related surprises. H works full time)

He’s acting really put out about it, and his main reason is “it’s in February, I don’t want to take time off when it’s likely to be shit weather just to stay at home with dc”. He thinks I’m putting him in a really difficult situation. I think he’s being a sulky manchild who is shirking his responsibility as a father.

YABU - I shouldn’t expect to travel for work when I have a young child.
YANBU - he’s a dick.

He’s acting really put out about it, and his main reason is “it’s in February, I don’t want to take time off when it’s likely to be shit weather just to stay at home with dc”.

So tell him that February is the only chance you have for this amazing opportunity, and so you will be away from x date to y date in February 2025. That's seven months away. Then you both figure out how your children get taken care of while you're gone, if he for some unexplained reason is not capable of handling it - but IMO all of the discussions about what happens with the children start from the assumption that they have two parents. If he thinks that he shouldn't take time off, then let him figure out how not to take time off, whether that means hiring help or asking favors from friends and relatives or trading off overnights with one of your youngest child's friends' families. This isn't only your problem.

re the weather he needs to get over it. And look into unpaid leave if that’s an option too. Perhaps he could get on with some diy jobs or decluttering while DS is at school.
i could see if it was going to be a week a year that could be annoying but obviously it’s just a week at the moment and hopefully ds will become more independent as he gets older

One week ?? Yes he should do this and should be doing more on the other 51 weeks also!!!

Ask him to take parental leave for half days that week. he can work 5 short days that week, 2.5 days and you can save up for the loss of 2.5 days leave. That’s nothing. His workplace may allow it as a once off.

It’s the very least he should do.

pointless to take time off for this kind of thing.

You might not believe he's a terrible father but that attitude makes him a pretty terrible partner. You have an opportunity and he thinks it's 'pointless' to help you.

If he thinks that he shouldn't take time off, then let him figure out how not to take time off, whether that means hiring help or asking favors from friends and relatives or trading off overnights with one of your youngest child's friends' families. This isn't only your problem

spot on.

It's one week out of 52,hes being a dick about it. I'd tell him it's what's happening so he better organise himself. God forbid he'd do the running around after a child for week after 11 years.

Don’t ask his permission to go. Tell him you’re going and he has responsibility for your son.

And tell him this trip signals the start of a new dynamic in your family with greater responsibility sharing for your child. Let it be a positive change for you.

I know. There are ongoing issues anyway. Something like this really highlights it all.

Can he plan to do some DIY or something. He is being selfish - I think you just have to say that you are going and it up to him how he sorts care for DS. He doesn't have to be happy about it.

Ok he's being a dick, but has he actually said no? Or just "this isn't convenient for me to sit in the pub garden and get sunburnt" sulk? If all he's said is around that, rather than no, I'd thank him for understanding and agreeing even though the timing isn't ideal for you, given how this is the first time you've ever asked.

Yes of course he could. There’s loads he could do, he’s often moaning that he doesn’t have time to get stuff done.
He should be grateful I’m giving him this opportunity 😂

Yes his work would be obliged to grant him unpaid leave, it is called parental leave and every parent with a child under 18 is entitled to take 18 weeks unpaid (but no more than 4 weeks in a year). So if money isn't an issue, and he doesn't want to take annual leave, this is the best option by far.

No he hasn’t said no.
If he says yes there’ll be months of guilt trips ahead.

Thank you, I didn’t know this!
My week away will pay very well, so money is not an issue for him to take one week
unpaid.

He basically sees his holiday days as just that: his holidays.

You see your holiday days as days you don’t have to work, to do other things whatever they may be.

He needs to stop for a minute and put himself in your shoes. This petulant behaviour is quite pathetic in a grown man with children. He’s had it good with you!

YANBU. Unless it's an MLM "gifted trip" in which case YABU.

www.gov.uk/parental-leave

I do get his point - I wouldn't want to take time off in February just to do school runs and sit round the house the rest of the time. I think you would have been better to approach it from the point of view of "I have this great opportunity; how can we make it work?". It seems odd to start with the solution of "DH must take a week off work" rather than exploring other childcare options or letting your child have some independence.

Definitely not that 😂

He could take parental leave, it’s unpaid but he’ll be entitled to it (I’m taking some this summer; it was approved without question). He’ll be giving tonnes of notice too!
Also, if your son is at school and the time off is to drop off/pick up that would be the dream to me - 5 days of 9-3 solo? Yes please 🤣 can you sell it in to him like that?
He does sound like he’s being a right arse though OP. Not supportive at all. I travel with work, not loads maybe 2 trips a year and DH always sorts his work or leave around it (or flies his parents over to help; extreme but still, he sorts it!!)

That’s how I worded it.

The nature of his job means shorter hours aren’t possible, apart from some rare days which can’t be predicted, so taking time off would really be the only way.
If he’s at work he’ll be away from home for too long.

I’m sure OP didn’t always want to take time off during the years since DC was born but she did.

It’s DH’s turn.

Everyone with children under the age of 18 is entitled to request parental leave of up to 18 weeks (so one week per child per year). It's not paid, but if that's not a problem he is entitled to request this week in addition to his annual leave.
https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

He’s not supportive. He doesn’t like me having work successes at all. This may be the last straw, I’m so fed up of it.

He has traveled occasionally with work but has never had to consider anything at all, just writes the dates down in the calendar.

No commuting in dark and crap weather, can warm up with a nice pub lunch after he's done the school run and put the washing in the dryer?

He's an arse so shouldn't get to leave everything to you, but could be a way to play it...