It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

You sound like you have never liked your sil. You think their marriage was too quick, that she was selfish in her reaction to other bil's proposal. You sound bitter that she concieved quickly while you struggled for a year ( I know this is tough). I am sure she has picked up on all of this and was aware that you didn't like her (even if you did not intend her too).
Picking her childs middle name may have been the straw that broke the camels back for her. She may have had a reason to pick this name. Something else might have been going on with her that you were not aware of. I do think it is unusual in a family of 3 brothers to use a childs middle name as another childs first name within a few years of each other. If I had been in this situation, I would have checked that it was OK with the other parents to use the name.
It does sound like they overreacted to the name choice but it was obviously very important to them.

I am not saying your sil is an angel here but we do not know side of the story.

You do sound very aggressive in your tone. You are demanding an apology from them. You do not want to meet in front of grandma because there will be shouting. Why does there need to be shouting?

Your character is plain to see in your posts. Putting a huge clip in your daughters hair of her flower name is so childish. You need to grow up.

You sound bitter that your pil have not taken your side completely in this. I feel so sorry for your pil here. They just want to have their family together.

Accept their kind invitation. Go along, smile, be polite and leave.

Well, we could, but we feel that PIL have failed to deal with BIL and SIL and by doing nothing have sided with the aggressors
This is unbelievably childish and sets the tone for the rest of your posts. You want your PILs to 'pick sides' in other words.

He wants to go even less than I do
No wonder. I imagine he does and says whatever he has to in order to stay on your 'good' side 😂
You disparage your BIL for doing what SIL says but I don't think there is any doubt your husband does the same. It's the best way to keep the peace with people like you 🤷‍♀️

You didn't bother contacting your SIL when her child was ill in hospital but that's ok because you felt 'awkward'? Nah, no one buys that. The fact that you can't even 'own' your own 'less than stellar' actions and continue to be self centred and manipulative speaks volumes.
You rejected the idea of just declining the invitation in favour of a drama filled reply because your PILs need to know 'how you feel' lol. As if they don't 🙄

Oh, and as far as the paranoia that they are slagging you off to their kids because your nephew said something ONCE. Having been in the position of having a child repeat something they'd overheard me say, I'd say that is far more likely

The funniest part of this whole saga is that I really doubt your SIL is giving any of this the obsessive focus you are. YOU are the only one determined to 'win' your imaginary war and YOU are the one who comes out of this looking far, far worse. That kinda makes you the loser 🤷‍♀️

What a shame for your in laws and the family in general to be messed up by such a silly quarrel. You and your DH are not in the wrong, but I think I would let it go for the greater good of the family. You don't have to be best buddies with SIL but you don't have to keep making a point that she is an arse. Be the bigger person. Keep her a little bit at arms length, but let the family get together. Life is too short.

WhatsApp is our only means of communicating with them, since they are refusing to see or speak to us. Unless you think we should hire a plane to sky write WELCOME DEAR NEPHEW outside their balcony?

@inlawproblems again how would you have felt if they'd not asked you to come? If they'd just asked the others? You're upset at being asked, would you have been ok with being excluded?

They can't make their son and DIL meet up with you beforehand.

I promise you, I have never been anything but nice to SIL. Before the fall out we went for lunch together just the two of us.

I have been blindsided by this.

Obviously I don't like her NOW. Would you?

They're not refusing to meet you though, are they? YOU'RE the ones refusing to go to PIL's family get together. Not them

You sound really petty.
SIL clearly overreacted to your name choice and was wrong of her to moan about it, especially to such an extent that the kids picked up on it.
You need to let it go though - life is way too short to let such ridiculous issues keep families apart. It's not just your SIL that will miss out, your kids will miss out on a relationship with their cousins, your DH will miss out on a relationship with his DB, your PIL will spend every event until the end of time seeing their kids and grandkids separately .. over a name and an apology .. pathetic really. Grow up.

I would totally expect them to meet up without us. Obviously other BIL and his wife will want to see them and meet the new baby. We have no problem with that. We assumed they would do something together on Saturday and we would do our thing on Sunday. We're not asking anyone to exclude them from anything.

Go to the party and ignore the elephant in the room - aka put in the past and forget about it. She’s not your friend but that’s fine. Just don’t sit next to her at the BBQ!

For the sake of family and children. And yes, two family lunches a year at grandparents are enough for cousins to know their cousins. It’s not nothing.

Stop being so santimonious, get over it. Get on with life.

PIL will spend every event until the end of time seeing their kids and grandkids separately

Yep. And that's fucking tragic, frankly.

They have refused to meet us for 18 months.

They know we want to discuss this and find a way to resolve the issue.

Clearly the only situation where they are willing to meet us is one in which we will be unable to discuss the matter with them.

That's what we don't like.

OP. I would advise against even acknowledging bluebird, she's clearly not trying to be helpful.

@inlawproblems well don't go then, it's simple!

It's an invite, not a demand.

Why do you care if they go and you don't?

Just say "thanks for the invite, busy Saturday but look forward to seeing you Sunday"

No one is trying to "emotionally blackmail" you, the PIL are trying to be fair and not pick sides by inviting both warring parties.

Because PIL will be upset if we don't go.

It's a lose lose situation.

I just resent them for putting us in it when we'd already made our point of view clear.

It's not about equal treatment because we are more than happy for them to do their own thing separately with the others. They just want to force everyone together but it's a really bad idea the way things are right now.

What’s to discuss?

They were unreasonable, you were unreasonable. Nobody will admit or back down or say sorry. Hence no point in waiting for a pointless discussion and resolution that will never happen.

Just move past it or you’ll be old and still moaning about it while your children and their grandparents resent you for it.

Or maybe the only situation they're prepared to meet you is one that means a lot to their parents, their Grandma, and probably to the visiting brother. Because unlike you, they recognise that other people shouldn't be affected by this spat, and they're not so stubborn as to ruin things for others

You should not have given your child the same name. Some people are very sensitive about this, Why did you do this knowing it would cause trouble. So I'd say you were entirely at fault here. You dont care about their feelings. This says it all about you. You have a very bad attitude.

I don't think seeing us bothers them at all as long as no one calls them out for their behaviour. They're not actually the ones who have been hurt.

Do you know what- someone once told me some very wise advice.
Forgiveness doesn’t excuse behaviour. Forgiveness isn’t for the benefit of the opposing party.
Forgiveness is for you. By forgiving you set yourself free.
You do not have to tolerate SIL behaviour, or ever see her again if that’s what you wish. You will never forget what she’s done. But work on forgiveness. Let it go. Holding on to this resentment only creates stress within you which isn’t good for your well being and will pass down to your children unwittingly.
Also, the children in this haven’t done anything wrong yet they are the ones to suffer growing up not knowing each other or forming a relationship to take into adulthood.

@inlawproblems so they'll be upset? They are upset anyway because two of their sons are falling out.

They'll be upset that you've said they're emotionally blackmailing you.

They'll be upset if you go and the atmosphere is bad or you have words with your SIL.

They're in a lose lose situation.

I explained earlier in the thread why we chose the name that we did.

It's their daughter's second middle name.

The number of people who share one of their middle names with another family member is probably greater than the number of people who don't.

They gave their son the same first name as another family member.

I get it. You seem like someone at the end of her rope and, as you said, sick of being the bigger person. Rightly or wrongly you are done and you cant help how you feel. British people are MASTERS at suppressing their feelings and seething with quiet resentment until it builds up and they eventually explode. I cannot communicate like that no matter how long I live here. I do think you need to be careful how you respond because you do risk coming across as the aggressor snd you seem to want to avoid that. I would say:

"Thank you for the invite, we would love to come, however as discussed on Friday (or whenever it was) it wouldn't be faironn GMIL and BIL2 for that to be the first time we are all together since we were ostracised following the birth of DD"

Alternatively you could say "that's a great idea, thank you! We will funally be able to catch up wity BIL and SIL 😉 Do we need to bring anything along with us?"

If you say that they will shit themselves and not go. There's a reason they didn't go to their son's birthday party...

So why not just leave it and accept that family meet ups are not possible at the current time?

Because PIL will be upset if we don't go.

Well yes. Of course. You know that but you don't care. Because it's more important for you to have some kind of 'win '.
But the brother and SIL have the win, because they're the ones prepared to let go enough to give the PILs, other brother and grandma a nice day.