To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

I think if I had sorted washing into 3 piles on the landing floor, I’d have put the one that I cared most about, i.e. my white clothes, in the washing machine before leaving the house, rather than putting in the darks. Especially given previous issues. Unless I was setting a trap maybe.

I do it all the time. Everything that is mixed colours go in the same wash. I’ve never given it a second thought.

Oh my fucking God. You are, aren’t you? You’re actually saying that the answer to her DH ruining her things every week is for her to not have nice things, so it won’t matter if they get ruined?

Fucking hell, that is a new low.

You wash meat? Why?

About what? My social life? Yes probably a bit

You don't? I wash it because I'm gonna eat it. Try it some time.

I cook it 🤣 do you wash it in water hotter than my pan?

Academic intelligence has nothing to do with day-to-day functioning. The ability to read complicated formulae (or wherever DH’s specific Oxbridge intelligence lies) does not correlate with ability to perform everyday or perceived mundane tasks. I had a friend who was extremely intelligent, uni educated, who not only fell for the MLM “mum-preneur” schizzle, but couldn’t remember to do her taxes on time or clean her house. YABU.

Try using colour catchers. Simple

I don't wash it to remove bacteria, that's a misconception. Meat is being handled a lot in factories, I wash it to remove the blood it sat in for days, dirt, etc. If you thoroughly clean the utensils after and disinfect the sink there is no danger of cross contamination. If you ever just tried to boil chicken you will see the amount of dirt and blood foaming at the surface. I know some people are against washing meat, and its advised against it because of the risks for salmonella, but i like living on the edge:)

I thought this too (and I am on the menopause). If not it may be burn out from the 14 hour days. I would start with reducing working hours. I know it may seem impossible but it isn’t. Good luck finding some calm OP.

Not very hygienic to wash knickers with tea towels.

@Politygal why? Isn't the point of a washing machine that things go in unhygienic and come out hygienic?

He's doing it on purpose so eventually you'll tell him not too either that or he's just being ignorant and doesn't give a toss

Do you know how washing works?
All the stuff comes out of the dirty things and gets washed away down the drain.
The grime from the t. towels isn't going to end up on your pants and whatever is on your pants isn't going to end up on the washed t.towels.

Was thinking this... surely he also has white clothes

Hi @Aplatterofpuss

I'm just coming on to say I agree with every single thing you've said here.

My husband did this to my clothes - once. I went absolutely ape shit, he'd washed a favourite wool top of mine in with his hardy work stuff and of course it shrank. He'd deliberately taken it out of my "hand-wash only" pile to make up a load and ruined it. I couldn't get another one because it was old.

Guess what? Even though he's barely got GCSEs he has managed to not do it again. It had never occurred to him, because he's a) not a white collar worker who needs a crisp white shirt, and b) men's clothes don't tend to be hand-wash or wool wash or whatever like women's do.

It absolutely baffles me how anyone can excuse their nearest and dearest continually doing something that upsets them, even more so when they try and turn it around so it's YOUR fault!

OP my hubby is exactly the bloody same, it is infuriating! No matter how many times we go through it he still washes whites with darks! It drives me insane. We now use colour catchers with every single wash. Other thing he does that drives me nuts is use the tumble dryer every single time he washes anything because he can't be added to dry it on the line and peg it all out!! This also drives me to insanity!!

Is he doing this deliberately because he doesn't want to do the laundry or is he just an idiot? It's not rocket science for goodness sake!

You're an idiot, sorry.
You're in a relationship with someone who is presumably charming in every way (you dont mention his any other faults) but have zeroed in on his complete inability to do something so trivial as to separate washing in a way that pleases you. And have gone to couples therapy over this (and presumably since you dont mention it he is perfect in every other way) so, yes! this says more about you than anything him: YES YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE - please value this (apparently lovely and brilliant man) and do your own washing - and his for that matter, since his is apparently incapable in this area. Try to find his inability endearing)... Please stop bullying him and making him feel useless.
A relationship is about filling the gaps of your other halfs shortcomings and (between the two of you) having a better more meaningful life. Yours is a very first world problem, of your own making. Solve it with DIY, move on, be happy. (in the knowledge that you have give your superior knowledge of colour separation to a being that is sadly incapable)

A grown man can't manage to sort the washing despite it being explained over and over and over?

And you call OP an idiot ?????

I never separate my washing and never had anything bleed into other clothes.

If that is not his skill set - take over your own washing. Or switch out a different domestic task and you do the washing instead.

Like your husband, I am also clever, competent and caring... but ... for the life of me, I just cannot drive.

A huge %age of the adult population manage it. Young nieces/ nephews of 17 manage it!! People who are much less clever than me do it.

We all have different strengths and abilities. We all contribute through different ways. A marriage/ family should be a TEAM where each shares the load and each contributes according to their strengths/ talents/ abilities. If DH is good in so many areas, why continue to force the laundry task on him?

Divide your labour accordingly. You do the laundry. It's obviously so straightforward for you but he has some kind of mental block. Don't deride him for his one weakness. It's really savage. Just because it seems so obvious and easy to you, and the majority of the population, doesn't mean it's obvious to him.

I can't believe you complained about HIM in therapy. The situation says more about YOU than him. I think it indicates that you just cannot tolerate this small fault. I hope your therapist tried to steer you to think about that.

Stop persecuting him for one lack of ability when he contributes his share in many other ways.

I expect a therapist would have more of an educated view of it then your simplistic one dimensional take on it.

We have a full house now. 😂