To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

If you ever just tried to boil chicken you will see the amount of dirt and blood foaming at the surface.

It's not dirt, it's protein.

This can coexist, I'm not saying its nothing at all, but it's a policy on laundry which both people fundamentally agree needs to be done.

That’s not the point. How many non-colours she has is her business.

Excellent point. That’s what I thought.

Because he’s ruining her clothes.

Sorry just don't get this just do your own washing end of problem

Use those dyegone sheets in the wash. Saved my red outlined white uniform several times.

Reuse about 5 times, still effective..I only use them in a light mixed old wash but DH could use them everytime, save issues.

Tbh whilst we shouldn't have to be, I'd be grateful if my DH would even hang the washing up without being asked. He did once this year, but seems like a one off event.

But in your OP you say he does the lion’s share.

Except OP has apparently asked him not to do her laundry because he ruins it, and he still does.
Lack of respect (on her husband’s part) is the root of this issue.
Can we stop piling onto the OP, now, and also stop suggesting colour catchers? If her “D”H really is doing this on purpose they’re not gonna solve anything, because they won’t be used.

Does it really matter who does what?

Here we have a man who is unable to follow simple requests time and time again.
He knows it upsets his wife but continues tine and time again.

So is it deliberate disrespect?
Or is he mentally deficient in some way?

I have 3 different baskets, whites, colours and darks.
Although I do nearly all the laundry it makes my life easier.
https://www.brabantia.com/uk/laundry-basket

I bet the OP’s husband is the kind of person who wouldn’t RTFT too.

Try actually reading all of the OP’s posts before you start calling anyone else an idiot. This is not about laundry. It is about his continued insistence on ruining her possessions. Every fucking week.

She obviously hasn’t gone to couple’s therapy over laundry. How could you possibly think something so ridiculous? 🤦🏻‍♀️ And no, she hasn’t mentioned any other faults, but people don’t go to couple’s therapy because their spouse is just too wonderful, do they?

Try to find his inability endearing Are you fucking serious? You’ve got to be taking the piss now, nobody could be this dense.

I think it does matter.

If the husband is doing school/childcare drop offs, cooks the family meals/meal plans, helps with homework, does the dishes after dinner and tidies up the kitchen that is a lot of work even without the laundry workload. This is whilst himself balancing a job

If a partner does this "lion's share" during the week, would cut him some slack for not being the best with laundry. How would people react if a working husband comes home to criticise how laundry is done by a stay at home mum? Let alone the husband is working as well. The husband might actually be burnt out.

Unless the kids are under 2 or otherwise got some underlying health issues, bath and bedtime is not hard. That's more quality time OP is trying to spend with the kids after not being with them the whole day. It's not really as hard as planning and cooking dinner for everyone that has a larger mental load and relative time pressure.

OP can put loads in the laundry (even set timers nowadays with new models) before going to work and her husband can hang it out and fold.

Honestly if a husband does cooking, laundry, dishes, school pick ups during the week AND balances his own work, sign me up! I will buy a new model washing machine and set timers for loads to go.

I’m bothered about sorting the washing so I do it all and always have. It doesn’t bother me, DH does cleaning and dishwasher. Married fifty years next year.
My grandchildren go to school in discoloured “white” shirts but I try not to let it bother me. However I still wonder how hard it is to sort washing,

His refusal to take this seriously, despite the fact that it upsets you, feels quite aggressive.

This isn't the hill for your relationship to die on. Just because you're a teacher shouldn't mean you can't do some of the household chores. We've split it so he does the dishwashing and I do the laundry.

Setting timers would make no difference whatsoever.
He adds items that she doesn't want and ignores her frequent requests not to.

That's the problem, if you would RTFT.

Nice try. The thing DH suggests is absolutely pointless, and involves me wasting my time and energy. Kind of like sweeping the patio in the middle of a storm so when it's over you'll just have to do it all over again. (I'm not going to give the actual example because it's outing.)When I explain this to him he does get it, but the next occasion he just repeats what he said before. He has a lot of form for dictating what we should both do with our time and attention, frequently uses me as a resource, and gets irritated if I object. So yes, I do have a problem with his attitude.

You sound remarkably like him, actually.

Like I said, something lost in the telling then. But vent at me if it helps.

No. It was just that you didn’t give an example or analogy and missed out important details such as it involving your time. I didn’t understand either.

I’m just setting off on a business trip, my DH will be doing the sports wash. He usually hangs everything (badly and crumpled) on the heated drier. I normally tumble stuff I don’t want stiff and crunchy (ie towels).
He normally ignores the clear instructions and does it his way.
This time, I’ve given him clear washing-related KPIs & OKRs and told him he’ll be on a PIP if he doesn’t meet them.
Let’s see what he does when it’s put in workplace terms. 😂

Do your own washing then. Couple therapy for this? FML.

Key Performance Indicator
OKR?
Performance Improvement Plan

OKR = Objectives and key results.