To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

Why make this into such a bloody drama? My DH shrank something of mine very early on in our relationship. I then said, I’d do my own washing and he should do his own. He throws all his stuff into the machine together in an eco wash. His choice. I take a different approach with my stuff (also eco). I have also always worked longer hours than him, so he had also done the bulk of the household task over the years, but I’ve always chosen to take care of my own clothes.

Just take care of your own clothes and stop making the issue bigger than it is.

It feels like there's a much wider context than just laundry at play.

If laundry is the main thing he is responsible for and does a bad job at it, yes he is unreasonable.

What is missing here is what he actually does during the day. Why is his job 8:30 to 3:00 pm being an Oxford computer engineer? Did he purposefully take reduced hours to spend more time with the kids and managing the household to accommodate your hours? If that's the case it's unfair to call out pay disparity here.

Does he do the drop offs/pick ups? Make the meals? Do the meal planning and grocery shop? Do the dishes/take out the trash on the daily during the week? That is on top of a job as he does work. If that's the case it's actually quite a load on him even without adding the laundry. Calling out on his laundry abilities if he does do "the lion's share" during the week isn't quite fair.

Wash your own clothes. I also struggled with a man who thought as long as the temperature on the label is the same, it’s ok to just chuck em together😳 My kids’ lovely pastels turned grey when washed with his jeans etc. After numerous incidents, I said “do not wash my clothes or the kids’ clothes, just wash your own.” Result! I wash mine and the kids clothes. Wash day is Friday and Saturday to allow time for uniforms to be washed and dried for next week. He has the rest of the week for washing his, just not on a Friday or a Saturday so has to plan his laundry accordingly, Not worth divorcing over.

Are you peri menopausal? It seems quite a minor / fixable thing to be so angry about.

I get why you are annoyed and hurt by your DHs behaviour.
Is he v nervous or scatty? I’m just wondering is he doing this accidentally or not.
What I’m more surprised at is the way you have replied to some MNs. You come across so unnecessarily angry and sarcastic.
Just tell him not to touch any of your clothes ever again, get your own laundry basket and do your own laundry. Job done ☑️.

My husband washes everything on the automatic cycle because apparently an engineer will have designed that as the optimal cycle. I asked him not use it for my clothes that need to be washed on 30. He told me they just say that for ecological reasons. I said yes, sometimes they do but my t-shirts that have a design on them get ruined over 30. Eventually I told him never to wash my clothes, it’s less stressful that way.

Do not let the whites dry, otherwise it will be harder to get them white again. Put all whites in washing machine with detergent, adding about half a cup of bicarbonate of soda straight into the drum of the machine. Good luck

Buy colour catcher and move on with your lives

I really hope people (and OP) take the time to read this above post.
It's enlightening

If he does his fair share of the household chores then let this one slide and you do it. Creating more issues for yourself. My DH is useless with the washing machine. I taught my 9 year old old how to put on a wash and he can do it no problem. It’s actually pretty self explanatory anyway as what you need to do is on the bloody dial. I do the washing because it’s easier and done properly.

Is it just me or adding tea towels and knickers in the same wash is really really gross? I know they are being washed, but really underwear shouldn't be mixed with tea towels....

I agree but you’ll get most MNers telling you it’ll all come out in the wash🤢

This is weaponized incompetence. Each of you wash your own clothes,or hire someone to do it. If you don't want to hire someone, find a laundry, put them all in a bag, and have him take them there to sort and wash.
But something else is going on here. Does he think he is too well educated to do laundry?

Me and my partner was having this argument. I was sick of telling him, he said he forgot or didn't think. So I now do mine, the kids and household stuff and he does his own. It has stopped loads of arguments and made sense as he works on the railway so I don't want his dusty clothes with baby stuff anyway.

That's why I don't eat at people's houses. They might as well dry their dishes with their knickers. Imagine they were washed at 30 degrees....ughhh....

How much washing can you have from one week!?

You sound fun I’m sure you’re very missed at dinner parties

How do you get through life being this uptight?!

If you are going to use that logic, surely you wouldnt put socks in the same wash as pants in case you catch Athletes Fanny?

Do you feel better now?

I didn't think that having some sort of standards regarding cleanliness is being uptight. I thought obviously socks, underwear and pyjamas are washed together on a hot wash. I mean, really, not mixing my knickers with the tea towels is common sense isn't it? But then again....its MN...we will have someone venting their frustrations.. Happy to help you release them...do carry on. I also wash the meat before I cook it.....OMG

I try to wash whites separately.
I don't do all the sorting that MNers do. There's no problem washing bed sheets and towels with other clothes for example and life is too short for special delicates washes etc.

Do you feel better for portraying your bizarre view of people's laundry as a moral superiority?

Bizzare?? If having standards for cleaning is moral superiority....then you said it. Does it bother you though? I feel some hidden emotions there. Did anyone mention this to you before and made you feel inferior? Because this is a strange take to my comment.

I was kind of erring on your side until this rubbish analogy. It would be closer to say that you keep buying white cars, expecting your partner to wash them, and he doesn’t wash them properly. Because the whole point of this thread is about his washing skills, not his driving. Nobody’s going to die if your undies are grey 🙄

This ^^ couples counselling over a washing machine 😔