To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

So, I arrived back from my trip and thought I’d report back.
He did separate things out and tumble dry what I had asked him to, so that was an improvement.
However, he had hung things up inside out and crumpled up, including drooping one of his T-shirts over the nobbly bit of the drier, and the way it dried it will look like it has a sticking out nipple when he wears it. Which I will be laughing at.
He says I can’t put him on a PIP as he partially met expectations and I didn’t give him a clear SOP. So I’m going to write him a multi step washing SOP before I go next time.
I also passive-aggressively put his clothes away as he had left them, inside out. 😀
As you can see, in this house, the same battle is being staged with humour rather than anger!

I don’t suppose he has undiagnosed colour blindness had he. If not then it sounds like he’s doing it to wind you up!!!

Do your own bloody washing.

I feel you as my husband is the he same and the only way I got round this is not to have anything white or light colours. No bedding, towels and definitely no clothes. The only items that is white are my kids school shirts but I try to keep these separate and wash them myself

I always think this. I don't understand how my clothes are never ruined but everyone's else's are!?

Can’t RTFT as very unwell so ignore if I’m parroting others, but I had to add my immediate take on this… OP he doesn’t see you as equal. This is his way of trying to get you to stop him from having to do the laundry as he sees it as ‘beneath’ him.
strategic incompetency I believe it’s called.

You’re not washing them on a warm enough temperature if that’s the case. Give them a sniff afterwards, you might find they still smell unclean

Therapy??? About washing? Oh dear … each of you do your own if it’s such a big thing and especially if it causes you to use such language! Both of you grow up… at least he’s trying.

It's not the same battle though, unless you are regularly having to buy and replace ruined clothes.

I understand your frustration. I have been married for nearly 40 years to a high achieving academic husband and there are things that he doesn’t hold in his head and just aren’t his focus but he does like to do his share of the chores. I used to get frustrated but came to the realisation that to maintain my sanity😅 I needed to find ways to work with it/around it. In our household there are things that he knows I prefer to sort out (such as sorting laundry!) but we have a seperate lights/darks laundry basket and I make sure that they are put in seperate bags to take down to the laundry room. We still have occasional blips (such as the time my Massimo Dutti dress shrunk) but my blood pressure is kept down and peace reigns - most of the time!

Not even white bras?

Phew! I'm glad I'm not the only one. I was starting to think that I was doing it wrong

The same thought crossed my mind but I'm going to speculate that this isn't the only issue given the comment about therapy. Could he be doing it intentionally to cause you to become upset? Classic Covert Narcissist behaviour to create situations to make you angry and then blame shift to you. My ex wife was a master level Covert narc and that type of behaviour resonates with me.

Hello everyone

OP, I have ruined clothes accidentally, including a new cashmere jumper that was miraculously still in stock for me to replace before I was found out. If he had found out there would have been the explosions of rage you describe.

Every mistake I made was an opportunity to emotionally kick the shit out of me. I was also boring, sanctimonious and any of the other derogatory adjectives that you have lorded over others on this thread. Certainly being a lower earner than him was free weapon, as it seems to be for you.

When it got to the point where I had had enough and could say “If I’m not good enough, then I’m not good enough and we’re getting divorced.” his sense of injustice was astonishing. He believed that he could simultaneously find me sub-standard and be the only one entitled to draw a close on the relationship.

I’m really not sure what you’re getting from this relationship, but even less can I see anything worth salvaging for your spouse.

I’m so so glad to not be married to The Rage any more.
You have had full control of your posts here, and your husband has had no right of reply. Notwithstanding that, you do come across as a very difficult and quite unpleasant person.

The one caveat is that “Don’t Touch My Stuff” people are, in my experience, truly awful, so you are probably well matched.

Why don’t you both stop flogging what is obviously a very dead horse?

Find him a substitute chore and wash your own whites.

Life is short OP.

Had one that never ever learned. Had to hide the washing so he couldn't get his hands on it. Everything went in including my glasses pens etc.

Clearly he either doesn't have the headspace, or doesn't want have the headspace to do this. Really I think seeing as it literally takes 5 minutes or less to prepare a load of laundry for the machine that you do it and find something else for him to do do make up for it-in my case he does all the washing up all the veg and fruit prep and strips the beds and puts new clothes on them-but I wouldn't dream of trusting him with the laundry, a single load of laundry can represent over £200 worth of clothes and linens-not worth the risk. If he cuts himself veg prepping, puts the sheets on round the wrong way or the duvet cover inside out, or he breaks a plate-how much have you lost? Far less than a ruined load of laundry, plus the wear and tear on your relationship, and the cost of counselling have to be factored in. Just accept he has limitations (as you do yourself).

This. FFS, having therapy over laundry is ridiculous.

Sorry op, you sound like a nightmare to live with.

You're not being unreasonable. My OH loves doing the washing yet he doesn't give a flying fuck about my new white bras going in with grimy colours and coming out grey. I've tried to tell him so many times and it just results in "you're always picking"

I'm at that point now where I want to say "If you had to correct someone at work who cocked up the same task 10 times you'd sack them, right?"

I think you're being unreasonable purely because I have learned the hard way not to expect anything from men in this department.

Put the washing in yourself and get him to take it out and hang it up. Weaponised incompetence. Get some vanish for your whites you can save them. Just do it yourself for your own sanity.

I love this response. It's totally reminded me of your average man's MO. Basically this is their way of getting out of doing any house work. Do the job that badly they're banned from it for life.

Not entirely sure you read all the OP's posts...

I'll provide you with a different perspective. I'm a highly educated woman in a high paying job, and I can't get my head around separating clothes and washing them correctly. My husband does the washing in our house, because apparently I ruin his clothes. I don't do it on purpose to hurt him. I just really struggle with labels and colours and fabrics. Sounds like your husband is like me. I can promise you, I'm not impractical on purpose "to hurt someone". Ím good at plenty of other things.