To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

@Aplatterofpuss
" I believe he is sabotaging my clothes to hurt me."

If he is truly doing this to hurt you, he'll find a new way if you stop him doing your laundry. It's this that you need to thrash out in couples therapy.

Sounds like a way to get out of doing it. My brother used to clip plates together and chip them when emptying dishwasher. Now my sister in law always just does it herself.

Strikes me that maybe he's doing it on on purpose so that he doesn't have to do it!

My father used to do this to me when I lived at home. I would use money from my part time job in a shop while I was a student to buy nice clothing. He would put things like lined blazers and linen trousers in the wash, destroying them. My mother would argue that he knows no better. But his jackets and suits never went through the wash. It’s not a case of not knowing better. It’s not caring or deliberate. Your DH should pay to replace everything he has ruined. I would not let him do the washing anymore.

I would either wash my own clothes or only have two piles white and colours.

I actually put YABU. I’d be furious and you have every right to be. But if he’s crap at sorting laundry, then maybe you just need to agree that he’s not allowed to put a wash on (surely he could still hang it- which is way more time consuming). Me and my husband both work full time, with a toddler and another on the way. He would be/is awful with laundry. He just needs to stay away from the machine. I’m crap with personal admin, so don’t deal with paying the utilities or childminder- we’d constantly be getting late reminders if that was my job. I know how much- it all comes out of a share account, but frankly I’d forget to pay. He also does floors and bins. I do bathrooms and occasionally dust. I cook more meals (I’m a better /healthier cook), he always has a diy project on the go. Spitting chores can be done in more than one way!

Good for you but that's not what OP'S talking about is it?

I don't know how long it takes for your daily trash emptying, to presumably outside bins?
But mine takes very little time and the bins here go out once a week. It's a minutes walk to the end of my drive. So a generous estimate of 20 mins a week ah no 30 minutes every week being super generous with time. That's including sorting but not washing the recycling cos that goes in the dishwasher. And food waste is composted which I take down.

On the other hand I have spent since midday with the washer and dryer on. I've taken stuff upstairs at least three times now and put it all away. And theres more to come yet. So I'd be less than generous with how long it's going to take me at an hour, fair. Still double the bin time. And only one day of washing. I did the same more or less on Tuesday.

So if OP wants to swap these jobs, she needs more than the bins.

Washing is my husband's job. He's ruined a few things over the years by not looking at washing instructions, including a giant cardigan I was fond of that he shrunk to the size of a bolero 😣. However, I take it as one of those things, not the end of the world and I tend to think, with household tasks, if you don't like the way it's being done, do it yourself.

I don’t let my husband anywhere near the washing machine - it’s just not worth the stress.

The therapist will realise that there's more to it than that.
Particularly when the 'washing in incorrectly' is repeated over and over again.

@Bodeganights
Fair enough. I guess I don't mind the laundry so I don't really pay attention. I'm really used to doing it. He helps me fold and put clothes away and I don't iron, so in practice I don't spend hours doing that. I also have a drier so don't need to put clothes out or hang them at all. Lazy stuff here lol

I think just the opposite.

OP will be teaching them:
To stand up to wrongdoings.
To not accept bullshit.
Girls not to be handmaidens to men like some of the posters on here.

How annoying for you. I’d be very upset too. Does he have any white shirts that he can “accidentally” wash with something red, so they turn pink? Choose that day to not have any of your own whites that need washing.
On a more sensible note, would colour catchers work?

I don't think suggesting a redistribution of chores / sharing different perspectives / suggesting LTB necessarily suggests being a handmaiden... I'd give the same advice / think the same way if it was a gay couple rather than a straight couple - it's got nothing to do with pandering to men.

At the end of the day it's about how do you live a happy life? Is this person bringing more positivity to your life than negativity? Similarly, if you're working 14 hours a day, do you want to introduce systems and possessions into your life that are time-consuming or do you want to go for more time efficient options? It's about getting OP to evaluate what sort of life she wants to lead.

Does she want to continue on a path that makes her incandescent with rage every week, or does she want to try something different?

Buy colour catcher sheets
that should help

DP: which wash do your knickers and things go in? White or colours?

Me: thanks, but please don’t wash any of my clothes. Please leave them.

Sorted.

Erm you are discussing washing rage in couples therapy I think there may be more than washing that’s your problem

Apologies if this has been suggested already. Very annoying but given his ineptitude maybe invest in Colour Catcher sheets? I use them in colour and dark washes and they work well. Whilst he clearly should be capable of separating washing would he at least be able to stick one in the machine?

Unfortunately it isittle things like this that do kill a marriage as much as domestic violence.
This type of repeated stupidity is mental torture.
I had 17 years of using a sticky roller to get all exH pocket tissues off our clothes.
It would take me about three hours to get it all off each time.
He would also put my NHS uniforms in with his black jeans so they went grey. My manager was pissed at all the uniforms I was going through and said it had to stop.
Hos pockets were always stuffed with tissues and he would wash everything while I was at work.
What with that and other acts of utter stupidity I threw him out of my house after 17 years as I was broken
I've lived happily ever after and nobody ruins or breaks my stuff.

He's having you on. Come on its the oldest trick in the book. Do a job so badly to never be asked to do it again

Either wash your own or use colour archer sheets

It's incredible how many are missing the actual issue here.
This isn't about the washing, it's about respect. The OPs husband is showing a complete lack of respect and disregard for their belongings and continues to do what he has been asked not to do, repeatedly.

Is he disrespectful in other ways too OP? If not I'd be giving him a direct command, "do not touch my washing. Leave it for me, and if you do not and another load gets ruined, I will be replacing the spoilt items at your expense and considering my future with you"

Seems to an imbalance in this relationship. Why isn’t there a screaming row? Why has the OH not said if she wants the washing done in a certain way she can do the effing washing herself? That would be healthy

I would hide my own clothes (under-and upper-) and do them secretely why DH was playing with his own toys in his mancabe - or something to that extend. Nobody! Touches! my! Whites&Lights! So YANBU at all!