To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

He us obvs imcompetent at using the washing machine. Why don't you take responsibility for doing the washing, and DH take responsibility for another regular chore, washing the cars, washing the windows, cleaning the bathrooms etc. My DH has hardly ever done the washing and ironing in 50 years we have been together. I have never cleaned the cars, rarely mown the lawn, don't do any gardening or painted fences. It has worked well. I have a problem with dry and cracked skin on my hands, so DH does the washing up. Just make best use of your own skill sets.

This would infuriate me too.🙄
I would do your own washing in future and leave him to do his own. I know it's a pain, but at least if something of yours gets damaged it's on you.

To be honest, I have more sympathy for your therapist. Imagine all the years of study and exams practical assessments, to be met with " husband puts washing in incorrectly " mind boggling...

Definitely you sort your own washing. My husband just bungs everything in together. It's how he does it. But I want my whites kept white so I sort the laundry. I'm a teacher and busy but I find it takes two minutes. Not a big deal.

If you are this pedantic about washing you need to do it yourself. He can do drying or ironing or something else.
i wash everything in together all the time and nothing gets ruined.

I think this sounds like a case of weaponised incompetence, with him hoping to get sacked from the job.

Ha! This! I’d have left you by now

I had an ivory silk shirt that I bought in 1985. It was immaculate having been carefully handwashed after each wear. It was as perfect as the day I bought it, until my husband threw it in a forty degree wash with a whole pile of dark clothes. It came out the colour of chewing gum and the texture of a paper bag.

And this from a man who is “stressed out” if his socks become separated in the wash. 🙄

I agree he should replace anything he’s ruined.

Actually yes they do go grey after one wash. Some white Nike socks of my daughter snuck into a darks wash a couple of weeks ago and they were grey after, I was shocked just one wash had done that.

Perhaps start adding the colour catcher sheets to every wash just in case this happens. He can pay for the colour catcher sheets.
I would be rather peed off too if this happened repeatedly. Once or twice now and again everyone makes mistakes but all the time would drive me crazy.

I just wondered if your husband may be high functioning asd. I’ve been married 25 years and my husband can’t learn new things when it comes to daily habits. One of my bugbears is putting used and damp drying cloths on the back of velvet dining chairs to ‘dry’. So everything ends up smelly. I’ve asked him just to throw them in front of the machine in the utility as I towel wash twice a week. He remembers for a week and then goes back to old habits (he also likes hanging used clothes from fixtures but that’s another matter). I’ve realised he will always be like this, it’s who he is. Once I stopped having expectations and conceded to hoovering up after him I’m a lot less stressed. He means well and like your husband pulls his weight so try and love his quirks.

"does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours." Wow 😮 I suggest if you don't like the way he washes then you do the washing. For the love of the lord "he cares and he is sorry, really!!!." I eff up the washing every single week. I can put whites on with nothing else in there and they can come out tinged. I believe sometimes it can be down to using coloured liquids at low temperatures. Thankfully my family take it in the chin and know if they buy white it is at risk. I think your issue with your husband is greater than the washing!. A tik ticker has suggested or it may of been mums net, put vanish white in with your wash load. Stop the machine cycle half way through to then switch it on in the morning. Not sure if that helps your husband 👍

Do your own laundry if you are more capable and you are the one concerned about separating colours. Let him do something he’s good at. Play to your strengths in the relationship. I bet there are things he is more competent at than you are…

My DH has a PhD and cannot grasp separating laundry according to colour/fabric. He wanders towards me looking perplexed holding something out saying "is this light colours?" Just look at it for God's sake!!

I have to say in all other areas, cooking, cleaning, etc he is exemplary - it's just this one thing

I think the fact that you are so very angry about this, together with the fact it’s clearly been an ongoing issue that you haven’t yet resolved, is a far bigger problem than the laundry

Sorry, but I think there is intent in what he is doing. Don't know why, maybe he just hates doing the wash. I would do as others have suggested. Keep your laundry separate and each do your own. Household items you guys can decide.

Geez. Shit happens. You need a reality check about real life. I would not be angry about laundry and if he crashed my car (which he has!) I would hope he’s ok and know that he’d sort out the damage.

I hope you’re having your own therapy in addition to couples therapy

You should say this cost x amount this is what you owe me .or ban him from washing machine and tell him to go launderette I bet he soon .start doing the washing proper .

I completely agree with you. He is being lazy and simply does not care. However it is an easy fix. He washes his stuff and wash your stuff. I haven’t washed my husband’s clothes for about 7 years. The only time I will ask him to wash mine is if I have organised it ready. And that’s very rare, only if I am desperate and working a late.

@Bodeganights

He takes out the trash from home to bin daily. Accumulative time it takes me to do laundry is surely comparable to time it take him to take and sort out all recyclable, food waste etc on a daily basis.

This thread is wild. Please do your DH a favour and leave him over a blue T-shirt that should be white.

My DH does the laundry, so no misogyny here. He enjoys doing it, I cook as I enjoy it. Honestly it’s not rocket science.

I’d love to know where OP teaches so I can make sure my child will never go there

Let’s all imagine OP is a man talking about his wife like this….

I asked you this a few pages back.

Do you believe he is doing this on purpose - actually ruining your clothes with intent?

If yes, then I don’t think your relationship is viable because that’s deliberate sabotage.

Or do you think he’s being careless and lazy? That’s a different issue.

Is he equally careless with his own clothes?

I totally agree with this!!

This poster has a point though.

If this marriage and your husband is making you this miserable and angry then when is it time to call it quits so you can be happier?

Your posts do sound really resentful and of course there's probably more to it than we know here but if you've been through marriage counselling repeatedly and you're still this resentful of him, then when is it just enough and time to walk away?