To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

Op is being abused as far as I’m concerned. Deliberately damaging something that another person values to punish her is abuse. It’s controlling and coercive and that is abuse.

She could just do her own washing.

That doesn't make it ok for him to repeatedly damage her things!

@HolidayAtNight but she could just say "you do bath time " I'll do the washing?

What's wrong with that?

I do my laundry at the weekend, doing it during the week would only be necessary if I had fewer than 5 shirts?

He's clearly not struggling with pressing a button, so the programming skills are irrelevant. Clearly laundry isn't playing to his strengths.

I agree he shouldn't be touching her clothes, but I wouldn't say it's wilful vandalism. Just differing standards.

OP was originally asking if she's justified to be angry about the situation and whether he should pay to replace the clothes. I'd say she can be angry and if she really believes the clothes are beyond salvation then buying new ones makes sense, but expecting anything different from the situation is pointless at this stage.

We can't control other people's actions, only our own and our own responses to those actions. If someone's actions make you miserable, then it's on you to either separate from that person or to change your response. Berating someone for being the same as they've always been when they're clearly unable/unwilling to change is just a way of guaranteeing future unhappiness.

I can't speak for other posters, but I'm not very keen on the idea of having someone angrily threaten to break my stuff, and jepordise my employment, because while balancing the majority of the housework around my full time job, I did one of the tasks not to their liking.

My husband would regret attempting to take such an abusive stance, but thankfully he's not like this aggressive OP.

He wouldn’t be able to if he wasn’t in contact with them.

Hallelujah! I guess now you should encourage him to ruin some more old items until you get a new wardrobe and then start washing your own OR hide your whites. 🤣

I remember years ago my nanny kept ruining my wool jumpers so I tried to hide them so she doesn't wash them ... she still somehow found them and shrunk them into oblivion... I still mourn these, they were so nice and I couldn't find the same ones again. Sad washing drama all round!

Then make plans to end your marriage. I agree that the responses are batshit. Posters are ignoring that even when you try to do your own washing, he fucks with it. But then the " you'll grow bitter and lonely over washing" tells you all you need to know about their agenda. There's no bitterness when you are single by choice and life becomes fullfilling when you aren't living with the enemy. Since the beginning of wearing clothes women have managed not to do this. Even men in prison learn to do the laundry. It would be interesting to see if he'll send your children to school in messed up uniform. If this wasn't happening before you became the higher earner, then it is a protest. He knows how to get to you without it affecting him or the children. Making him financially responsible isn't the answer. He isn't a true partner, he doesn't have your back. Eventually you can make childcare work as a LP.

He wasn't, the OP packed the machine and he put dark coloured tea towels in the wash. She sorts them, he deliberately mixes the washing.

like mowing the lawn - a 20 min activity that only takes place every 2 weeks in summer

Your lawn might only take 20 minutes every two weeks, mine takes a couple hours every week. Unless you know the size of OPs lawn?

Eh?
You'd be no worse off if you left him.

What do you mean when you ask if I've looked around lately? I'm sorry but I don't understand that statement.

You can buy washing baskets labelled darks and whites.

She has one already, he still fucks it up.

I think he is definitely using weaponized incompetence because he simply doesn't care 'enough' to learn how to do it 'properly'. HE doesn't see this as 'important', therefore it's NOT.

In your shoes I'd probably tackle it twofold.

1. Keep all receipts for new clothing so that HE can replace every, single, damn item he 'ruins'.
2. Buy several identical, stack able plastic laundry baskets which have written on them (in a sharpie) what 'wash cycle' and temperature they have to go in, so that when you have 'sorted' the washing loads, they are clearly SEPARATE loads, with separate wash cycles/temperatures etc. That way he simply CANNOT get it wrong by 'mistake'.

If that doesn't appeal, then simply do what you threatened to and fuck up HIS specially 'organised' stuff, or start 'cleaning' his instruments with powerful abrasive agents.

I'm sorry, but I fight fire with fire, so if he doesn't 'learn', then neither do YOU.

It won't take many instances of YOU 'helpfully cleaning' HIS stuff in a way that ruins his things before he'll 'recognize' exactly WHY you're rightfully bloody angry !

Jesus Christ, just get divorced already. I think you'll both be a lot happier.

That would make no difference in this case

How would that help with the suspected abuse?

Suspected abuse 😂Unless OP is a white blouse then she'll be ok.

I did one of the tasks not to their liking

Talk about an understatement ???

I agree with a pp, wondering why women are falling over themselves to defend a man who is deliberately, repeatedly fucking up a domestic task?

Sometimes, people who are being deliberately and outlandishly disrespectful need a little bit of healthy fear instilled in them - steely glare, a deadly calm cold voice, standing at military attention, striding confidently.
Many many non verbal and verbal communications are possible. Study them and employ them. Look for Instagram coaches if necessary.

Haven't you ever met someone who didn’t threaten you at all and may even have been slight of build and small stature, but somehow had a huge intimidating presence? Like that.

I dont see the bins once a week as comparable to laundry for two or more people.

Bins are not difficult to sort or take outside to the curb. I know this because I do the bins. And most of the laundry.

I somehow manage to not suck at any of the household tasks. I expect my partner to not suck at any of the tasks.
If a man or woman can hold down a job, they can also do household shite.

Washing clothes is not rocket science. There are handy labels to show you what to do.

Therefore, OP'S dh must be doing it deliberately?

Imo yep.

I'd guess because he just doesnt care.

I’d imagine OP means house prices and the rental market being sky high.

It’s very difficult to adequately house both parties post-divorce in the current economy.