To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

The typo was indeed like a dagger to my heart. I'm off to rant at my husband about laundry to make myself feel batter.

You usually can’t buy the same thing again either. Each item will be in stock for like 3 months max

I know how long school hours are. I know exactly how long I teach for and how long the extras take. No need to tell me.

What did yours choose you for?

I am so disappointed in so many responses.

DH does our laundry. Yep I had to teach him and yep I have a "don't touch my stuff basket" which is the more delicate stuff like my silk dresses, bras, linen stuff that I want washed on delicates and then carefully hung up to minimise shrinkage and ironing.

It's easy for me to know which of my items need special care, his stuff is all 40 degree and shove in the tumble drier when it's raining.

The teens know which of their stuff to put on the specials Etc.

If DH was messing up that often I would be utterly fuming it is disrespectful. He always uses colour catchers and errs on the side of caution. He makes sure my ££ and no longer purchasable knickers don't end up in the tumble drier even when all 4 DDs lived at home and there were countless pairs to confuse him!

That poster was being quite fair with the question, this is AIBU not just a space for everyone to agree with you. You're very certain that your "D"H is terrible and you're horribly put upon, so any questions are perceived by you to be rude and you're biting back. That level of anger must be really distressing and I'm sorry for you that you've reached the end of your tether. You really have though at this level, you've reached the end.

You need to start asking yourself where to go from here. It isn't fixable by sorting out the laundry issue and counselling isn't helping. So what do you need to do to get past this anger? Close your eyesc and breathe, you know the answer.

Whites put in with darks go grey. Simple as that. Every white t shirt that DS owned came back grey from uni as he chucked the lot in together.

OP, I’d be hopping mad as well if I’d sorted out the loads and DH chucked in other stuff with the whites. Fortunately he leaves it well alone.

Putting his laptop in the dishwasher would be rather extreme though.

No but my DH does the washing same as I do. He mixes things I wouldn't sometimes or doesn't fill the machine but I don't rage over it.

Your school sounds very different to mine.
Most of us do 12-14 hour days.

I’m just going to tell him never to wash my stuff ever again and he can do the folding and putting away. It’s cool.

I guess you mean the other poster? I've rarely left at 4pm.

I don’t. My husband does it.

But he is normal, so doesn’t need all weekend to do it.

My friend's partner is like this. Every so often he 'accidentally' damages something of hers. Drives me mad that she puts up with it and just thinks he's hopeless. From the outside it's so obvious it's deliberate. She gets a new job, the new trousers she bought with her first pay cheque are shrunk in the wash. Friend gives her a thoughtful present, it gets knocked over when he's cleaning. Et cetra et cetra.

Tell him to put two colour catchers in each wash. Sorted.

I doubt very much he'll do that!

I’d be very annoyed and it is ridiculous that he keeps doing it. It really shouldn’t be this hard!

However, at this point I think I’d just give up. Decide that from now on the washing is your job only, and give him something else in return that’s his sole responsibility so that you keep an equal balance. Or at the very least, let him carry on washing/ruining his own clothes but ban him from yours.

So.. in the OP
Oxbridge educated husband with a 'good job' in programming.
But earns less than a teacher.
'Gets the mental load' - but OP complains she has to do a load of it!

What a dud.

OP you sound extremely angry in every single one of your replies. Yes some people don't quite get it, but many others have commiserated/said YANBU (one of which was me!) and you've ignored all of them.

You'll be keeping your therapist in £££ for a while yet.

Doing your own washing will solve the laundry issue but as he's apologized and offered to buy you new stuff it looks like there are other issues at play. You're taking it out on MN, are you doing the same at home..?

Wash your own clothes.
He washes his clothes.
Job done

I don’t understand those posters who say they never separate their wash.

I don’t know why everyone is piling on at you. You’ve spelled out to him on multiple occasions including in therapy that this is something that matters to you. Regardless of whether he gives one shiny shit, if he values his marriage, he should have taken that on board. Especially as he clearly understands the concept of taking care of stuff if he can do it with his own stuff. It would drive me mad.

It is a basic question of respect and any adult should be able to respect another adult’s possessions.

Out of interest, why are you the one who ends up mowing the lawn? I note the long list of mental load jobs you say you do but curious about that one?

Sometimes I think people on here can’t read.

OP, you’re not being unreasonable. Not one bit.

Does not seem a big deal at all. Not sure what the point of the thread was really considering PP has already made their mind up. Must be exhausting in this household with this level of pent up animosity.

They are out there. And some of them are very, very angry at those of us who does. 😂

Because it takes such a looong time. Because you can just buy new ones. Because grey-ish is just fine and will do.