To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

Rem acu tetigisti.

That’s my job is it? lol!

Are we collectively allergic to making men fucking do something or is our role to be an eternal scaffold for them to seem brilliantly unflawed in the world.

Weaponised uselessness only seems to occur in the domestic sphere. Where earning money and power is involved, miraculously - very competent. Interesting isn’t it. 🧐

"We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment."

It would be an incredibly odd way to approach same-sex marriage counseling between two males.

"when I get home all of the other shit that naturally falls on women’s shoulders for no discernible reason"

Would be an even odder thing for a male to say.

That's your choice but it does affect white clothes. I hate it. I can cope with coloured and dark being mixed but keep white only white.

The reason I don't wear white is not because I am worried case DH can't load the washing machine correctly (he's better at it than me ). I don't wear white because it looks grubby fast and means you have to faff around separating laundry and life is too short for that.

It's more to do with the level of the DH'S disrespect than level of hatred.

Stop trying to turn it round.

Oh bless you. So much to learn. Next life maybe.

Weaponised uselessness only seems to occur in the domestic sphere

It doesn’t. I’ve worked with people of both sexes who are very skilled at it.

Not really my point.

so your answer to preventing my husband from disrespecting me is to stop wearing white clothes?
listen to yourself!

Well, whichever, if I felt someone disrespected me that much I would also leave.

Why stay in a relationship that toxic.

I've always said that.
Men can do things which are important to them, and simply disdain to do things which they feel are beneath them.

No offence but it seems unlikely you are finding a particularly eager market either in or outside the home right now.

But you hadn’t read that post yet had you?

I’d be raging too, especially as you’d pre-sorted it into the correct piles. Is it that he’s just thick, is it that he’s careless, or is it on purpose as a kind of way to ‘punish’ you? Those are the answers I’d want because they’d inform my way forward.

Next time he does it, hold down the rage and ask him why he put pre-sorted, separate piles of washing in together. Give him time to answer. Assume nothing.

I've read all of your posts. With increasing mirth.

Nope. I was just clarifying why I don't wear them, as someone else suggested it was because women don't trust men. And I was saying my DH does most of the laundry (in fact he does most of the housework because I am disabled) but my decision not to buy white stuff is because personally I just find it too much of a faff. The last time I bought a really beautiful, quite expensive and largely white top a sticky toddler put their hand on me just as I was going out of the door to a big event. I stopped buying white at that point

The sheer determination to make me out to be the bad guy is commendable.
When the sharp edge of patriarchy lands upon you, I hope you remember your own lack of allyship and lay in the bed you made with solemnity.

Actual teaching hours in schools are not long - it works out about 6 hours a day. It’s the other stuff that adds to the time. I get to school at 8 and leave at 4 unless it’s a staff meeting. As do all the other teachers.

Oh god. DH is exactly the same. I buy the kids brand new light coloured/yellow clothes and he bungs in a brand new yellow t shirt in with a load of jeans or purple towels. The other day he washed a new pair of (DS) lime green shorts with a load of black clothes. The shorts came out a dirty green colour. I tell him not to tumble my socks, underwear. He tumbles EVERYTHING despite my telling him to only tumble towels or bedding. He’s ruined loads of clothes, it’s f£&£ing infuriating!!

I really hope you don’t allow your pupils to say “lay in bed” unless it’s in the past tense.

Colour catchers are truly your friend. I only discovered them this year and honestly? They work!

Honestly? Seasalt, M&S, Mango. They’re aren’t THAT fancy but it will add up. An outfit can easily add up to £100 so a washing machine full of four or five outfits could have cost £500.

Plus they’re clothes that I like and that fit me. I don’t want to buy new ones.

UPDATE: DH has just offered to buy me new items of the things he’s ruined. Just popping off here to send him some links.
😜