To implode about DH ruining my clothes every fucking week.

[Aplatterofpuss]

DH is an Oxbridge educated 50 year old man with a good job in computer programming.
We have been married for 10 years.
He gets the mental load stuff and does the lion’s share of the domestic stuff during the week as I’m a teacher and work longer hours.

I have taught him how to do the laundry 450 bazillion times. I have shown him. I have told him. We have hammered it out in couples therapy that it’s not an exclusively female skill-set to be able to simply wash plain whites, light colours, dark colours in batches, read the care labels on everything and basically treat all the clothes as if they’re his musical equipment.

After thrashing this out in therapy a few weeks ago and him apologising profusely and insisting he does care and is sorry, I came home last weekend to him having washed coloured items with whites rendering many of my things grey and ruined. I was angry. It was not nice.

We again, talked about it. He blamed me because he’s found some bits on the floor by the washing machine and ASSUMED that they were sorted by me so just bunged them all in together.

This Saturday, I woke up, separated ALL of the washing in to separate piles on the landing, put the dark wash on and went to leave the house. DH asked me if the laundry on the landing had been sorted by me and I said yes.

When I returned, I emptied the fucking washing machine to find lots of my white clothes ruined by the fact that he’d put blue tea towels, multicoloured teatowels and white and blue towels in with my pure white knickers and tops.

I told him I was annoyed and that he must be doing this because they’re not his belongings.
I said that he needed to pay me back for my damaged clothes and that if I decided to put his laptop in the dishwasher and insist I did care and I didn’t mean to damage it he would be furious. He said it was obviously not the same thing and was, again, very sorry.

I amso so so angry.

Shouldn't have to be so- but you have to accept reality (is it a deliberate ploy, is the question here too). Have your own washing basket for all your whites and delicates, and instruct him not to ever, never, even touch it!

In the meantime, Vanish and double wash for your white knickers.

I mean…..

wow.

bit of a defence response there.

good lord

Just read all your posts, you seem so angry and aggressive. It put me on edge just reading your responses 😂

I think it's time to end the marriage, couples therapy for laundry issues means your marriage is already long dead.

Well enjoy your beautifully peaceful mind then and stop smugly gloating on internet forums with perfect strangers.

Riiiight.
🤣

me neither - is he boil washing stuff if all the colours run?

You can’t wash your own clothes because you’re a teacher and work long hours? Take that one house hold job back, problem solved in theory. The issue here sounds like a power struggle to me.

I read thst Einstein was a bit troublesome over how he squeezed the toothpaste tube as a houseguest.

Bloody academics, sometimes I wonder if we'd be better off without them. Unless, of course, they can solve the troublesome enigma of 'Who has paid for the petrol that is still in the hose, is it me or was it the last customer? Or will the next person get a pipe load of mine for free? (Not a euphemism).

Bloody hell, there is some misogyny on this thread.

OP, have a read of this. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288. Maybe show it to him.

You said he does the lions share or domestic tasks. So if there is just this one thing he can't get I think your being very harsh. Just do your own washing.

I'd start damaging his things. Or hiding them in the loft and saying you've thrown it out. Every single time. Something of yours gets ruined, so does something of his.

So do you think he’s doing it on purpose to hurt you?

Or is he just lazy about sorting laundry?

Is he only lazy with your clothes? So again something deliberate?

Or is he as likely to ruin his own whites?

I wouldn’t attribute any of the above as disrespect in the way you are taking it.

I’d take any deliberate sabotage very seriously and probably assume the relationship was not viable.

I’d take a lazy launderer at face value and make sure that they did other chores they were good at to make the total chore load fair and I’d do the one I really care about.

Laundry is a red herring. There's obviously a massive backstory at play. I've read all your posts, OP, and you come across as so, so angry. Maybe time and money could be better spent on anger management counselling than couples therapy.

That’s not a marriage, it’s war. Who wants to live like that?

Given this has been a long running issue it seems weird you haven't settled on the obvious solution : you are both entirely responsible for your own clothes. If you have kids, then you're going to need to let go about the damage, but that matters less since they generally get trashed anyway. If they're teens who care about their own clothes then you can also teach them to take responsibility for themselves

It's not a power struggle it's a piss take they agree to do/not do something then do it anyway

The colour run will likely eventually wash back out, I've done it several times. And yes whites go grey if washed with our darks (always at 40° for and hour or two) idk id some people don't notice or they cold was and it doesn't happen but then I find stuff doesn't come clean enough if I do that.

DP doesn't touch the washing because he will not uphold my standards. The alternative is he does his own but that's not very efficient for us but it's a half decent solution for most I think.

That is no way to live.

Do your own laundry, OP. My DH is forbidden from putting anything of mine in the washing machine on his own initiative. It's not worth the arguments.

This post sure has you triggered, definitely hit a nerve eh

You didn't answer the question.

I completely understand and agree and have a very similar issue re. washing. Loads being mixed or put on the wrong temp. Things being tumble dried that shouldn’t be. It infuriates me that I can spoon feed DH the exact directions so he can “help” and still manages to override my advice/help/requirements and fuck it up. It feels dismissive and disrespectful.
Women aren’t born knowing how to do the laundry. How can these men have the capacity to do their jobs, hobbies, things that matter to them, and still not understand not to tumble a certain top.
Sadly I have no advice. I have tried telling him to just leave it alone and never do the laundry and it still happens under the guise of “helping”. Solidarity OP.

You can be academic but have no common sense and this seems to be your DH.

My DH can control a bunch of police officers during a riot and has led soldiers in to battle several times over a 5 month period where he was able to bring them all back alive despite being surrounded by gunfire.

He cannot, however, do the shopping because he “wouldn’t know what we needed,” despite being able to open cupboards and the fridge and make a list. Well physically he would be able but he can’t (be bothered).

@Aplatterofpuss

You're not being unreasonable- I'd be fucking furious in your shoes - it IS about respect.

I was going to suggest colour catchers too. They really work and I haven't bothered sorting washing since I tried them.