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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a man who's broke?

115 replies

Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 13:34

The man in question isn't exactly skint, I don't think, basically solvent. He buys his share of drinks, has a reasonable standard of living etc.We're part of overlapping friendship groups and had been getting closer, the odd evening out, lots of messaging.

He's declined a group invitation for tonight on the basis he's been out every week (once a week) for the last 5 weeks and is feeling the pinch.

Now, it could just be an excuse because he doesn't want to go, but I'm at a stage in life (mortgage paid, DC grown up) where I finally don't need to think too hard about a night out or a weekend away and the idea of being with a man who does has suddenly changed the way I feel about him.

I'm not proud, a younger me would have been horrified, but I'm enjoying life currently and wouldn't want it restricted because my boyfriend/partner can't afford to do fun things as much as I can.

I did think about offering to buy his drinks tonight, but I know he'd decline (which is good) and he wouldn't want me to sub him regularly if we were to get together any more than I'd want to do it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ByCupidStunt · 06/07/2024 13:35

YANBU but just beware that lots of mumsnetters will hammer you for this.

Edingril · 06/07/2024 13:37

There is lots of women who have to have men pay for them

arethereanyleftatall · 06/07/2024 13:37

Yanbu. Why would you be, you are allowed to discriminate in any way you choose in your choice of a partner. You don't even have to have one if they don't add to your life either.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/07/2024 13:38

Actually discriminate is the wrong word. I meant it's entirely a personal choice, you get to choose what you want.

Original poster
Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 13:39

Edingril · 06/07/2024 13:37

There is lots of women who have to have men pay for them

Maybe, but I don't think he'd let me do it anyway, which would restrict the things we can do together.

I'm not talking loads of expensive things, but I am out and about quite a lot and it does add up.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 06/07/2024 13:40

It doesn't sound like he's broke though, he's just declined the invite because he's been out a lot lately. That's just basic budgeting. I don't think there are many people who don't have to budget at all. For me it would be a green flag, he's being sensible.

daisychain01 · 06/07/2024 13:40

I don't see how the OP can be hammered for being clear on what they need in a relationship- that's to be applauded especially at this point, before making any commitment.

Too many women think about finances much too late and suddenly realise the partner they've committed to is either tight-fisted on in a job that only just allows them to pay for the essentials. Fine in your 20s, questionsble when you're in your 40s and 50s.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 06/07/2024 13:41

YANBU 100%… My P is always watching funds and earns less than me… idealistic younger me thought that’s fine as he is a nice guy … eurgh except now I feel like mummy who either pays or volunteers to pay otherwise we would never leave the house!!!

You have different lifestyles and views of funds doesn’t sound like you are compatible

TheShellBeach · 06/07/2024 13:42

Perhaps he's just careful with his money?
I don't know. I can see it from both sides, really.

We go out when we want these days, but we didn't when the children were still at home, because we didn't have any spare cash.

I guess it's up to him. And you - if you don't want to see him.

BingoMarieHeeler · 06/07/2024 13:43

YANBU at all.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/07/2024 13:43

cadburyegg · 06/07/2024 13:40

It doesn't sound like he's broke though, he's just declined the invite because he's been out a lot lately. That's just basic budgeting. I don't think there are many people who don't have to budget at all. For me it would be a green flag, he's being sensible.

The op doesn't. And doesn't want someone who does. Her choice.

WhatNoRaisins · 06/07/2024 13:45

Ultimately you want to be with someone you're compatible with and if you're at a point where you can afford to and want to go out a lot then that's not an unreasonable want from a potential partner.

TemuSpecialBuy · 06/07/2024 13:47

Like Lisa left eye Lopes….
i don’t want no scrub…

yanbu op

RedHelenB · 06/07/2024 13:47

I think yabu, in that ot would nt bother me but it does bother you so best end things now.

Biggleslefae · 06/07/2024 13:47

It sounds as if you are financially incompatible, that can be a big obstacle in any relationship. If he's not for you then he's not for you 🤷🏼‍♀️

FastFood · 06/07/2024 13:49

It's not really about money but more about not being at the same stage of life, money is just the way it manifests itself.

I wouldn't think twice OP, you're not a bad person for wanting someone you're compatible with.

beatrix1234 · 06/07/2024 13:51

@Wogglefoot He's declined a group invitation for tonight on the basis he's been out every week (once a week) for the last 5 weeks and is feeling the pinch.

he’s been out all week so basically decided to Spend his “fun & drinks” weekly budget with other friends/people just not you, unfortunately you seem to be low on his scale of priorities when it comes to “socialising”. I would dump this guy not because he has less money but because he seems to be minimally investing in you, while here you are on MN opening a thread about him. Bottom line of the story is he matters to you but you don’t matter to him much and that’s the issue (not the fact he has less money). He should be budgeting to spend time with you, he isn’t, he’s budgeting to spend time with other people.

FinishTheGame · 06/07/2024 13:52

You're allowed to not be with someone for any reason at all.

I don't blame you at all OP, you want to do things with your partner that cost money. It doesn't sound like he's the one for you.

ByCupidStunt · 06/07/2024 13:52

cadburyegg · 06/07/2024 13:40

It doesn't sound like he's broke though, he's just declined the invite because he's been out a lot lately. That's just basic budgeting. I don't think there are many people who don't have to budget at all. For me it would be a green flag, he's being sensible.

He's been out once a week. Do you think that once a week is going out a lot? Genuine question.

Original poster
Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 13:53

beatrix1234 · 06/07/2024 13:51

@Wogglefoot He's declined a group invitation for tonight on the basis he's been out every week (once a week) for the last 5 weeks and is feeling the pinch.

he’s been out all week so basically decided to Spend his “fun & drinks” weekly budget with other friends/people just not you, unfortunately you seem to be low on his scale of priorities when it comes to “socialising”. I would dump this guy not because he has less money but because he seems to be minimally investing in you, while here you are on MN opening a thread about him. Bottom line of the story is he matters to you but you don’t matter to him much and that’s the issue (not the fact he has less money). He should be budgeting to spend time with you, he isn’t, he’s budgeting to spend time with other people.

No, he's been out once a week for 5 weeks running. Not everyday for a week.

I've been out plenty without him and actually, it wasn't me who invited him to this one, I just saw the response.

OP posts:
Mumofteenandtween · 06/07/2024 13:53

Like you say, it might be he just doesn’t fancy it but thinks that saying he can’t afford it is more socially acceptable than admitting that he would rather eat his own eyeballs than listen to Gav-the-cycling-bore droning on about the Tour de France again.

Marvelo · 06/07/2024 13:54

It’s fine- you can choose not to see someone for any reason you like.

I wouldn’t necessarily assume that what he’s said means he’s short of cash. People have different ideas of how to manage expenditure and for all you know your chap doesn’t want to spend too much socialising because he’s just bought a Ferrari, or he donates half his income to the orphanage. Or most likely maybe he just doesn’t want to go because he didn’t fancy it and was looking for a polite explanation.

Yousaidwhatagain · 06/07/2024 13:54

WhatNoRaisins · 06/07/2024 13:45

Ultimately you want to be with someone you're compatible with and if you're at a point where you can afford to and want to go out a lot then that's not an unreasonable want from a potential partner.

I agree with this too. You're at a stage where you don't need to worry about these things and it seems a bit like going backwards with this guy.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/07/2024 13:56

Maybe he was just making an excuse because he didn’t fancy going out 🤷‍♀️

magicmushrooms · 06/07/2024 13:56

So he has declined one night out because he is managing his finances properly. You are able to walk away from his but just be aware nights out\socialising may not be the only demand on his finances (maybe a huge garage bill etc need paying) and he is just being sensible.