To not want a man who's broke?

[Wogglefoot]

The man in question isn't exactly skint, I don't think, basically solvent. He buys his share of drinks, has a reasonable standard of living etc.We're part of overlapping friendship groups and had been getting closer, the odd evening out, lots of messaging.

He's declined a group invitation for tonight on the basis he's been out every week (once a week) for the last 5 weeks and is feeling the pinch.

Now, it could just be an excuse because he doesn't want to go, but I'm at a stage in life (mortgage paid, DC grown up) where I finally don't need to think too hard about a night out or a weekend away and the idea of being with a man who does has suddenly changed the way I feel about him.

I'm not proud, a younger me would have been horrified, but I'm enjoying life currently and wouldn't want it restricted because my boyfriend/partner can't afford to do fun things as much as I can.

I did think about offering to buy his drinks tonight, but I know he'd decline (which is good) and he wouldn't want me to sub him regularly if we were to get together any more than I'd want to do it.

AIBU?

YANBU. You’ve identified an issue at an early stage and can now back away from a possible relationship.

You should be able to enjoy your financial freedom with someone on the same wavelength. It’s not you job to subsidise him as some have implied.

With all due respect (I don’t know you so I might be wrong), whatever the consensus from this thread, he isn’t the right man for you. If he was, this ‘problem’ wouldn’t exist.

there are lots of things that could be a red flag or cause for concern, but this seems quite a non-issue and if this gives you the ick I’d say you’re just not that into him (which is totally your right, and you don’t need to justify why you don’t completely gel). I just think that you wouldn’t even consider this if he rocked your world (it’s not as though he’s completely broke and would be sponging off you, which for me would be a deal breaker-depending on the reason)

Perfectly reasonable to want similar spending power to partner. I'd say the same if sexes were reversed.

whatever they are, your feelings are valid. Nothing wrong with this scenario not working for you.

Of course. He can do what he likes with his money. It's probably a good thing he's sensible with it but that doesn't matter to me, I'll never combine finances with anyone again

I have lots of calls on my money too, but my basic living expenses are so well within my means that I have plenty of fun money. I got here through very careful budgeting when I was younger, and now I don't need to. I wouldn't dream of spending more than I can afford on a night out either.

I wouldn’t go out with someone who was broke.

However, your thread title doesn’t match your post. It doesn’t sound like he’s broke, just that he doesn’t have an infinite amount of money so has to put the breaks on at times. Surely that’s perfectly normal and a mature approach to managing finances?

Meeting another person doesn’t necessarily involve spending lots of money, you could go for a walk in the park, jogging, free cultural stuff, outdoors summer fairs etc… Im dating a guy who makes less money and we go out for a coffee, for walks or we grab a couple of beers and meet at my place For a fun chat. We’re happy doing that. Then of course if Your style of socialising is going out and spending 50 pounds every time then you’re not compatible and need to find someone on your spending level. “Priorities”, that magic word.

YANBU and that’s why I waited for some one who could match my income.

Agreed.

If this is a deal breaker for you then it's a deal breaker.

I think if he fancied you he'd attend the event anyway.

So that would be the main issue, not the money )though yes I'd also want someone with similar disposable income to me)

Yes I thought this. Ask him.

Yes, I'm inclined to agree, although he can't be persuaded easily once he's made a decision, i.e. if he'd already decided no more nights out for x days/weeks, that won't change.

TBF he might not even know I'm going and it was a very last minute thing arranged this morning.

Ask him what? He doesn’t want to go, for whatever reason.

YANBU but I think it's quite a leap to draw that conclusion from one incident of him declining a night out. Or maybe if you really fancied him you'd be looking at it positively and think that he's being financially responsible. I mean I get it but on the other hand lots of men would have no issue with treating women when money is tight and they wouldn't make such judgements at all.

Maybe he meant more he wanted a night in rather than he had to stay in for money? I know when I've been out a lot at the weekend a simple night in tv in sounds bliss. Make sure you know for sure this is the case before you judge op, would hate you to like him but judge this wrong. However at the end of the day you have the right to not be interested in whoever and for whatever reason you wish 😁😁

Brakes, not breaks 😳.

Gah.

You can find someone unsuitable for any reason at all. If he can't or won't share the lifestyle you want to live, that's a very good reason to end it.

So he might not know you are going, he might just not like that event, or maybe this month Is a but tight.

I think you are being a bit harsh, but if he's not for you, he's not for you.

Why is she harsh? Explain it.

I would admire him for not feeling pressured to go out and being careful about his finances.

It’s tricky. I went on some on casual dates with someone who had very limited finances and not much way to improve them. He now lives with my best friends sister😂. He appears to have a fantastic life on social media but I sense she’s underwriting it all. If you like him I would continue to see him but I would be vigilant about this…where do you fall in his financial priorities? And if it’s casual I would be open to other men who may be a better financial match. If you like going/doing/traveling/ being out and about don’t settle for dinner at your house and sex.

Perhaps he just doesn't fancy going out for a sixth week in a row?
Perhaps he's got a fancy for a quiet night in with his feet up, a take away and the telly.
Telling people you can't afford something generally means they drop it, rather than if you tell them honestly that you just don't feel like it and have them keeping on at you, trying to persuade you to change your mind.

I would never reject a good man who I had lots of fun with just because he’s on a tighter budget than me, that’s being very materialistic IMO, then again… if finding a “man with money” is high in her priorities she’s entitled to be as materialistic as she wants, her life, her priorities (not mine). I’m more than happy to share a picnic in the park with my man and feed the squirrels.

Spot on! Also you don't want looking after or being provided for and he doesn't sound like he would feel comfortable with you paying for him. I'd say give it a go