To not want a man who's broke?

[Wogglefoot]

The man in question isn't exactly skint, I don't think, basically solvent. He buys his share of drinks, has a reasonable standard of living etc.We're part of overlapping friendship groups and had been getting closer, the odd evening out, lots of messaging.

He's declined a group invitation for tonight on the basis he's been out every week (once a week) for the last 5 weeks and is feeling the pinch.

Now, it could just be an excuse because he doesn't want to go, but I'm at a stage in life (mortgage paid, DC grown up) where I finally don't need to think too hard about a night out or a weekend away and the idea of being with a man who does has suddenly changed the way I feel about him.

I'm not proud, a younger me would have been horrified, but I'm enjoying life currently and wouldn't want it restricted because my boyfriend/partner can't afford to do fun things as much as I can.

I did think about offering to buy his drinks tonight, but I know he'd decline (which is good) and he wouldn't want me to sub him regularly if we were to get together any more than I'd want to do it.

AIBU?

YANBU for a relationship to succeed you need to be compatible and that includes financially compatible.

dh and I input very different amounts into the family pot, but we are financially compatible as we have similar attitudes to money and what it funds (neither of us are extravagant, or spend a lot on socialising or holidays/cars, designer gear etc)

The problem is you want to spend your time doing things that cost money and if he can't do the same things, whether that is due to finances, physical or mental health, personality that is a compatibility problem that will result in resentment for one or both of you.

I think you’re reading too much in to it to peg him as broke from the information you’ve given here.

But financial compatibility is as important as any other kind of compatibility, and it’s ok to want someone who can keep up with the lifestyle that you want to live.

If you enjoy and can afford going out a lot at this stage in your life then you should go for a man who does the same so you can do it together.

Because of the number of times you have mentioned drinks, and paying for drinks:

He buys his share of drinks
I did think about offering to buy his drinks tonight
I'd have gladly paid for his drinks tonight

Yes, my thread title was over dramatic, he's clearly solvent, but doesn't seem to have a lot of disposable income, which has been my story for most of my life, but I'm better placed now and enjoying it.

Is he not just politely declining so he can watch the footy in his local tonight??

They don't have to be alcoholic. Last night in our group of 6, 2 didn't drink and 1 had a couple of shandies.

I know of a least one other who won't have an alcoholic drink tonight.

We're going to watch the football, which actually could be one of the reasons it didn't appeal to him 😆

But wouldn't he then also who is going or be non committal until he knows who is going?

Being rigid in thinking (ie won't change mind once decided) is also not ideal,

Until you know for sure why this is you cant say if it is unreasonable or not. Maybe he has extra costs at the moment?

If he's not for you then dump him.

You seem to be very unsure if you're doing the right thing- why is that?

He sounds like he's being sensible with his money. You sound like you want to spend money on things you enjoy. Neither right or wrong. Just where you are.

Just be honest that you want someone with more money and get on with it.

You do you OP, it is never unreasonable to have a set of ideals when looking for a partner or even someone to just date.

Personally, someone's finances are one of the very last things I'd be worried or concerned about but maybe you don't care about some things that I would, that's how the world is and if we were all the same it'd be even shitter than it is.

Right. Well, that was the impression I picked up from your posts. You seem to enjoy going out a lot. Were out last night, again tonight. And drinks were mentioned, and the cost thereof, as a factor for why he might have declined to go out for more jolly fun tonight...

OP, sounds like you’re in a “friends with benefits” scenario here (absolutely nothing wrong with FWB), but maybe while you’re opening a thread on MN about “financial incompatibility in a relationship” the last thing this man has in his mind is a “relationship” and he sees you as someone who he “hangs out every now and then” while here you are putting way too much thought into something that doesn’t deserve that much thought. I would say enjoy your FWB while it lasts and go on as many trips as you can. Life is short. Yours sounds like a healthy situationship. I wouldn’t put too much thought into it.

YANBU
inequality in a relationship always makes things difficult
You are allowed to choose a relationship that's suits you.
The reason there is do much divorce is people choose heart over head.

I honestly wouldn’t have an issue with this and I would actually see it as a green flag that he’s honest and doesn’t piss his money away.

But you are obviously not happy with this and that’s ok.

You have obviously done very well for yourself and you want someone who is in a similar position - there is nothing wrong with that.

My friend had similar recently because the man she was dating had much more money than her and he wanted a partner who was financially similar to him.

It seems harsh but it does make sense.

If this is a deal breaker for you then find someone who is more in your financial situation.

YANBU.
It's a tricky question though, as if a man came along and said AIBU for not wanting a fat woman?
😂

He's entirely entitled to limit who he goes out with according to their body type, yes.

Yes, of course!
That's what I'm saying, it's tricky!

It’s a bit of a stretch to suggest him not wanting to go out for a 5th weekend in a row means he doesn’t have much disposable income.

Y having a good income and healthy savings I budget my money, so if I’ve spent that already I would try to avoid going over particularly for something I wasn’t that interested in. Just because you have ‘a budget’ for something doesn’t mean it’s a lean amount, it’s just a set amount you’re comfortable spending on whatever that category is.

I.understand. I had a relationship like this. I was fine with it at first, just chose to pay, but after a while it grated on my nerves.

If that's a deal breaker, then fair enough.

My BIL has always worked, extra hours if needs be, but never had much money. He met someone who saw past that, they don't have lots of meals out or luxury holidays (although have a bit more money after inheritance so have paid off mortgage, leaving extra in the pot), but they've been together over 30 years and really happy. He's one of the nicest people I know and it'd be a shame if he hadn't met someone because of lack of money.

Maybe he just has different priorities for him money?

You choose who you want to be with and why.

Personally I would never have dated anyone who wasn't affluent as they wouldn't have been able to do the things I did such as travel and holidays, days out restaurants, events etc