To not want a man who's broke?

[Wogglefoot]

The man in question isn't exactly skint, I don't think, basically solvent. He buys his share of drinks, has a reasonable standard of living etc.We're part of overlapping friendship groups and had been getting closer, the odd evening out, lots of messaging.

He's declined a group invitation for tonight on the basis he's been out every week (once a week) for the last 5 weeks and is feeling the pinch.

Now, it could just be an excuse because he doesn't want to go, but I'm at a stage in life (mortgage paid, DC grown up) where I finally don't need to think too hard about a night out or a weekend away and the idea of being with a man who does has suddenly changed the way I feel about him.

I'm not proud, a younger me would have been horrified, but I'm enjoying life currently and wouldn't want it restricted because my boyfriend/partner can't afford to do fun things as much as I can.

I did think about offering to buy his drinks tonight, but I know he'd decline (which is good) and he wouldn't want me to sub him regularly if we were to get together any more than I'd want to do it.

AIBU?

YANBU. Why don’t you have a frank chat with him, OP, as you decide whether or not this relationship has legs?

otherwise you’re making a decision based on assumptions and speculation.

talk to him about exactly what you shared in this thread. I’m sure you can do this in a kind and respectful way, and he’ll appreciate the honesty - especially if the outcome is that the relationship does not progress.

It's a polite way of declining an invitation.

Alternatively, if he was aware you were going, too, he's just not that into you.

Of course you're not unreasonable to have specific requirements for a potential romantic partner.

How is that conversation going to go?: “Hi Frank, I know you’re a tad skint and I’m more well off than you so I’m trying to figure out how you feel about it as I expect my partner to go out with me frequently for dinner, drinks and the ocasional west end show. I mean… you’re cool as is, but I mostly need a companion for my “high life” and was wondering if you’re willing to spend the dough “.

(insert tongue in cheek tone in my post)

He declines ONE outing and you’ve written him off as too poor for you? You seem quite controlling to me actually, does he have to do everything you want him too?

OP, curious… Has he ever bought you a drink?

Yes, yes, yes. Always pays his way and is generous with everyone, happy to give lifts, never takes money etc but he does seem to be a bit more careful than the other people I socialise with.

I absolutely agree with others that doesn't make him a bad person, he's a very good person, but it does restrict things.

For me personally it wouldn't be a deal breaker, the particular scenario you've raised. He's not on the bones of his arse! Have you been in his house? If it's tidy, homely, clean and bigger than a bedsit then I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt. But then again I'm personally pretty broke, and always have been. Most people I know are skint for at least a week of the month.
it's up to you, your standards are perfectly valid. And I get you'd not want to be paying for him which of course you shouldn't have to! But if he pays his own way that's acceptable in my view.

I'm not put out because he's not coming. I shall go and it will be a thoroughly good evening. It's more, looking at a possible future where e.g he wouldn't be able to do the trips I'd like to.

I meant communication

All of them like out drinking or just out the house? I wouldn't think someone was skint if they said they'd been out drinking every weekend for 5 weeks and were feeling the "pinch" I'd be thinking its a combination of "fucking hell I've spent £££s on alcohol this month, that's ridiculous", "I'm nackered, I've been working then getting pissed for five weeks, I need a break." "I've had a shit week, I want a night to chill"

At the end of the day. If you feel like you're financially incompatible then you are allowed to not date him.

You do seem to lead a very boozy life. Perhaps he's also mindful of his liver.

It’s not controlling. It’s being realistic in the kind of life OP wants. She wants to enjoy her life doing things she enjoys - being with some one who can’t afford to do that would limit what she can do.

I'm not looking for a man "with money", in that I don't want his money, I don't event particularly want to be treated occasionally, but I wouldn't want a serious partner (which this isn't) who could only have say, one weekend away a year and 3/4 nights out month.

ATM the arrangement works fine because we basically live seperate lives and meet up a couple of times a month, which suits me just fine for now, but at some point we'll have to decide where it's going.

Or maybe we won't and it will never be more than passing friendship.

YNBU. You are allowed to pick and choose the criteria you want/need from a potential partner.

He sounds generous and sensible. You’re clearly unsuited

I think it can be financially if you are going out to the pub or for meals. It can easily be £30+ a night which I couldn't afford to spend every week.
It's not a lot in terms of time, necessarily, but it can be depending on the situation (my DH goes out weekly to a hobby and I do get fed up that it is literally every week all year round, it feels a lot).

How so? I'm driving tonight.

Sometimes I have a drink, but not always, by any means.

Sounds like you have your life all “sorted out” and you’re looking for that someone to fit in, because of his different financial situation he’s not that person, so you either dump him and continue looking or accept him as is and invite him to the trips. Do keep in mind that he may also have a very specific type that he’s looking for and it may not be you. My experience in relationships is that you have to “give and take”, if someone is a great guy, supportive and loving partner I don’t mind the financial difference and paying for our trips.

This is it. When I had dependent DC it would have been out of the question for me. Now it's not, and I'm enjoying life.

He isn't broke he just doesn't want to waste money going out so much.

I wouldnt assume from that comment that he's broke. I have used the old "cant afford it" excuse when in reality I didnt really want to go out with those people.

That said, you can turn down anyone for whatever damn reason you like - you dont have to justify yourself to anyone so if he's not for you then dont date him!

If you’re even thinking this unfortunately you’re just both wrong for each other. You obviously aren’t someone who could live the way he does and he doesn’t need or deserve someone who has ideas of how he should live. You’re just both different people (sorry op x)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=szM7x0N9Ru4
Ok Gwen!

I'd have gladly paid for his drinks tonight, but I don't think he'd let me (also I think it would be weird at this stage in our non-realtionship). It's not that I'd have to pay for him, it's that we wouldn't be able to do things together.