To not want a man who's broke?

[Wogglefoot]

The man in question isn't exactly skint, I don't think, basically solvent. He buys his share of drinks, has a reasonable standard of living etc.We're part of overlapping friendship groups and had been getting closer, the odd evening out, lots of messaging.

He's declined a group invitation for tonight on the basis he's been out every week (once a week) for the last 5 weeks and is feeling the pinch.

Now, it could just be an excuse because he doesn't want to go, but I'm at a stage in life (mortgage paid, DC grown up) where I finally don't need to think too hard about a night out or a weekend away and the idea of being with a man who does has suddenly changed the way I feel about him.

I'm not proud, a younger me would have been horrified, but I'm enjoying life currently and wouldn't want it restricted because my boyfriend/partner can't afford to do fun things as much as I can.

I did think about offering to buy his drinks tonight, but I know he'd decline (which is good) and he wouldn't want me to sub him regularly if we were to get together any more than I'd want to do it.

AIBU?

I'd just be careful writing off someone you like based on this one example. He might not have wanted to go, it's easier to say god I've been out 5 weeks on the run I'll have to leave it instead of saying sorry guys I don't want to socialise with you tonight. So it's best to be certain that you're not financially compatible before you write him off.

Agree with pp. Maybe he's just not that into soccer or felt like a night in/tired/whatever. You'd be better off straight up asking him rather than making assumptions on this board and dumping based on that. It's rather shitty.

Of course it's discrimination. Too tall, too short, too young, too old etc, basically setting initial standards to select your friend.

I would dump this guy not because he has less money but because he seems to be minimally investing in you,

It sounds like he's just someone she knows rather than a boyfriend. She can dump him, just like I'll bump Keanu Reeves.

I think it’s fine… as long as you don’t tell the person.

In your scenario or OPs I would make something up as to why I couldn’t date them.

I would never say they’re too fat/skinny or don’t make enough money etc.

No, I don’t want no scrubs either.

It sounds like a polite excuse to me rather than actually not being able to afford a shandy or pint if it's just going to watch the footy and he's a solvent man. not the sexiest excuse but it seems to be an effective one if he doesn't want to come.

Could the issue be that you would like someone more accepting of invitations/spontaneous rather than money being the issue?

Do people buy rounds? I can see that might be expensive (though it seems a few of you don't drink alcohol).

Do you know what kind of job he does? Does he have children to support?

Generally I agree with you, though. I've reached a point in my life where for the first time I have a bit more money and I don't really want to share it!

Possibly either hates football or wants to watch at home without interruption but it's a bit churlish to say so hence this excuse. Your reasons are fine for flagging a possible incompatibility but I'd let this instance slide

he may be using this just as an excuse as he has other plans/doesn’t want to go

but if you think he will have to watch his finances while you don’t then of course YANBU to not be interested

I'm 62 and comfortable but I couldn't afford to go out one night a week!
I think he's being sensible and you are being a bit precious.

Do you know what he's been doing for the last five weeks? Were they particularly spend-y? Normally, we're fine financially but we've had a run of a weekend away, a wedding, a 50th birthday party, a lot going on last weekend plus a couple of unexpected house/car expenses, we've collapsed in a heap this weekend and are enjoying doing not much and also resolved to not spend any money.

younger me had all sorts of romantic ideas about money not mattering

but at this age, I would not consider someone who is living a very different lifestyle (i.e. not just similar finances, but also approach to spending broadly similar) because (a) risk of becoming a cocklodger (b) might feel insecure (c) might not be able to participate in activities/holidays that I enjoy.

just not worth it.

Hang on a minute OP, are the two of you even an item? It’s not clear from your posts.

if you aren’t then this is a very odd thread.

I think that's fair enough.
I'm in a relationship with someone who has a lot more disposable income than me and it's stressful for me!
We go 50/50 on holidays etc so that makes it a massive stretch for me and puts the pressure on.
He isn't obligated to pay more than me as we aren't married and don't live together etc but my situation will mean we don't do as many things as he could do if he was with someone with more money. He does also go on expensive trips away with friends etc so I don't think he is missing out but it is definitely a factor.
I have about 8 years of being in this situation due to when my child will go to uni etc. At the end of those 8 years when I have a lot more spare cash I don't think I would want a man to support financially, which I think would be fair enough as I will have spent years and years financially supporting children.

So for you I think it's absolutely fair enough that you want someone in the same ish financial position as you.

Of course he may not even be interested in her.