To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

[Eshmee]

So my little boy is 4. He's in foundation at school and is the youngest in his year. He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age.

Today when I collected him from school the teacher told me that whilst waiting in line for assembly he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quote shocked so instead of asking him what he needed she ignored him and carried om walking. My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.
When his class teacher was relaying all of this to me she made it sound like a had a violet thug for a son. AIBU to think she's made a big deal out of something small or do I need to crack down much harder on him?
Advice needed for a worried mum :(

He did that previously, he's been working on it.

TODAY he grabbed a TA's arm to get her attention, that's NOT lashing out

Good for you. Some small children do hit, kick and scratch, especially if their needs are not met or they're overwhelmed. I'm surprised anyone would make it out to be abnormal behaviour - it's not, but it is a sign that intervention and emotional scaffolding/support are needed.

We don't hold under 10s criminally liable for their actions for a reason. So it's no more "assault" in the criminal sense than being kicked by an upset horse.

This, with bells on!

Yeah that bloody wet TA if only she'd not bothered to make such a fuss 😂

@Crunchingleaf he wasn't lashing out!!

The fact it’s not lashing out (as in not being in control of his emotions) in some ways makes it worse that he thinks grabbing someone so hard he leaves a mark is a good way to get attention. He needs to learn ways to get attention without hurting others.

he grabbed her arm for attention, he didn't belt her because he was angry!!

By four he should have learned
A) he can't have adults attention all the time just because he wants it
B) he can't just act on impulse
C) to use his voice/speech to get attention, not his body.

Hi OP
Your little boy sounds a bit like mine! He is a joy with an amazing personality, but managing frustration and excitement does not come easy to him. All children are so different and I think for some this sort of thing comes much easier!
My little boy struggles to tolerate anger, frustration and excitement and has expressed them with squeezing, pinching and hitting. It’s been hard work figuring out how to manage this in a way which feels boundaried as well as kind. What I’ve found enormously helpful are Dr Becky’s podcasts about this. She talks about how teaching children skills to manage these emotions is at the heart of managing this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7fiazouNjA0

I’ve been taking this approach with my 5 year old for a few months and I feel much more confident in my approach - and it seems (fingers crossed) to be doing the trick. Just today I heard him saying how he felt rather than “acting” it! Good luck

Wise up! If this TA thinks this is "assault", she's in the wrong job!

Try doing role play with teddies or hand puppets. If you practice scenarios with him he might be better able to deal with things rather than grabbing or hitting out.

My reception age child knows that if you want a teacher you put your hand up and say excuse me miss.

We are currently practicing how to deal with aggressive behaviour. I'm teaching her how to say No, that is not kind. No, don't touch me. No, I don't like that.

So far she's been scratched on several occasions. She's been pinched. She's been kicked. She's had her arm twisted and she's had three several head related injuries. Now chairs are being thrown in class. In my experience the school plays down incidents. I've formally raised concerns.

She will be starting karate soon. I'm actually taking her out of ballet because I think she'll be better off knowing how to defend herself moving forward.

Children behave in many ways that would be criminal/unacceptable in an adult and we correct them and guide them towards appropriate behaviour, ideally in a positive, non-judgemental way. Hysteria helps no one.

My DC has been on the receiving end of being hit by another child and, while it was not very nice, was capable of understanding that Tom (not the real name) had problems with controlling his feelings sometimes. No angry intervention with school was necessary on my part and the teachers sorted it. Nor did I feel it incumbent on me to make Tom's mum feel like shit in the playground after school.

My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.

These two statements contradict each other. Which is it - had he already forgotten the whole thing a few minutes later or did he tell you about his perfectly reasonable motivations unprompted hours later?

Ofc it is not.
MN is full of silly people.
My skin very easily gets marks, I had them from a year old baby grabing my hand while learning to walk.
I cqnnot imagine why would someone decide to work in a prumary school and then decide to ignore a child obviously seaking attention.
Some people/children use physical touch as a way of communication. It is not bad ffs.

Nobody is talking about young children being criminals.
The truth though is the longer this kind of behaviour is excused or minimised by a parent, the harder it becomes to turn things around. Not impossible, it just takes much more work. It is much easier to tackle it when they are very young.
A child of 4 lashing out as a one off is normal. Repeatedly lashing out and kicking is not.

In my experience, these things don’t come ‘naturally’ to some kids (NT & ND) and they really need help to learn these skills. I also think that making these statements can leave parents feeling terrible!

If my manager came up to me and told me I was doing a shit job and “should” be doing XYZ, I don’t think I’d be in a particularly good headspace!

Wouldn’t it be better for you to share some advice/tips rather than state what should be happening?

That's a very good point!

I can't believe how many people are terming this as "assault" - a 4 year old boy grabbing a TA's arm to get her attention!

Nobody is "defending" it though. There's a huge difference. Give your head a wobble!

You can help him avoid this in future.

Get little toy people like Lego people, and do a roll play / skit

Her are the children at school
this child wants the adults attention - I’ll go first,
This child says “excuse me miss!”
and she says “…”

you try it

God you expect a lot from an entire population of 4 year old boys!

My child is pleasant and well behaved in class with no hitting/kicking/grabbing or any other kind of lashing out.

He's also autistic with ADHD and has a huge amount of additional support (full time 1:1, speech and language therapy, occupational therapy, bla bla bla).

Being a pleasant and well-behaved kid does not mean no additional needs.

You've said you're disciplining your child with no PlayStation and no treats for a week, but you've also said that he can't remember why he did it - so what use is the punishment of removing things for a week?

No they're not making a big deal out of something small. Grabbing someone may be normal but so hard it makes a red mark... that's out of anger. They did need to react and tell you.

I don't know what you should do. And I don't see what the PlayStation has to do with it so I don't agree with the criticism of that.

But there I'd something in the tone like give them a whack that sounds like you're pretty used to this sort of reaction from your kids. For the school to say he's usually calm but if he's angry he hits... that would worry me. He's not usually calm if he hits more than once. To put it in perspective my reception child is pretty average in terms of anger management. He sometimes yells etc.. He's never hit or been hit since starting school or seen anyone hit. He would have told me!

So no the school aren't over reacting unfortunately. Keep trying your best to work through the issue and find better ways to help him manage his anger. I think a week of punishment won't help as its a long time to a kid, by day 5 he'll have no idea what your punishing him for and resent you and his sibling. I think you'll find a solution though as you're definitely trying to work it out.

No, it’s normal behaviour for a 4yr old. I think you’re deceiving yourself and rewriting things a bit. Your DS had ‘forgotten all about it’ and yet was able to explain that he grabbed the TA ‘because he didn’t know her name’? Hmm. Most female TAs (and female teachers) are commonly addressed as ‘Miss’, even if their name is known. If a child sees someone they recognise as a TA but don’t know passing by, it’s very usual to simply call “Miss” too.

Personally I think you’re minimising your son’s behaviour and are trying to make up an excuse and false explanation for what was more likely a lash out at a TA in anger, hard enough to leave a mark. As others have said, TAs are used to having their arm tugged or their clothes tugged when children want attention, so they’d hardly bother to report it. Something more happened here.

My advice is to limit the PlayStation and help your son socially. Some children need teaching how to behave, often with actual ‘dramatisation’ and practising, while others pick it up easily. Go through scenarios that your son might meet, model how to act/react, and let your son practise.

I think that because he has previously hit and kicked other children that the school have overreacted in this instance with grabbing the TAs arm. Had he not been violent previously then it would have been a one off incident but unfortunately he 'has form' for violence.

It is not normal for a 4 year old to hit and kick in response to another child annoying him. I would ask to meet with the school with a view to all working together and providing a consistent approach both at home and school.

Re the playstation, are you sure he only plays Disney Cars and Paw Patrol? Do you supervise him on the playstation? Is he possibly being exposed to games more inappropriate to a 4 year old? I only ask as I work with young children and I know of children that were allowed to game from the age of 3 playing Fortnite and the like. They are quite violent in their actions and words which they see as normal behaviour as it is what they have witnessed online. I'm not saying this is the case with your child but it is so important to keep an eye on exactly what your child is exposed to online and with gaming.

I'm wondering why some adults lash out in anger... not that it is in any way acceptable... but really interesting that a few do when they should have known better by the time they were 4...

And before anyone says probably because they weren't parented properly - not always the case!

Come off it- as if that’s a standard that most 4 year olds have mastered!! Many adults still struggle with one or two of those 😂