To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

[Eshmee]

So my little boy is 4. He's in foundation at school and is the youngest in his year. He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age.

Today when I collected him from school the teacher told me that whilst waiting in line for assembly he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quote shocked so instead of asking him what he needed she ignored him and carried om walking. My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.
When his class teacher was relaying all of this to me she made it sound like a had a violet thug for a son. AIBU to think she's made a big deal out of something small or do I need to crack down much harder on him?
Advice needed for a worried mum :(

My daughter is 4 and if she grabbed someone just to get their attention (which I hope she wouldn't but like all 4 yos she sometimes makes bad choices) it would not leave a mark, which is why I'm guessing this child grabbed the TA with significant force in order to leave a mark and wasn't just trying to get their attention.

You can imagine some of the people on this thread smiling indulgently as their 4 year old lamps another child at soft play and then saying "He's only 4. It's normal" when the other parent is annoyed they are not bothering to deal with it.

Well let's find out then, shall we?

@Eshmee did the TA say that her arm was grabbed with significant force? Did she say it was done out of anger? Did she believe your DS was only trying to get her attention? Can you clarify the context, as it was shared with you? Save posters making things up.

Dear OP, please don't worry too much! Your little boy is not a thug and even if you felt accused by the school maybe they were just stating the facts so you could talk to your son about it?
I have a SEN child who used to do this a lot. What I did was to spend LOTS of time with him interacting with other children in playgrounds so that I could intervene before he lashed out in order to give him tools to communicate effectively. Ex. Someone takes his toy, I can see him getting angry, I take his hand and I tell him "I can see you are very upset the little boy took your toy, should we ask for him to give it back? What do we say...please can I etc etc" and so on. Validate his feelings, teach him appropriate actions to take, invite other children to play games. It's a lot of work! If you, your husband and another family member that would be great. If he has violent actions at home be calm, firm and send him to his room.
I would avoid gaming at his age if he has a problem regulating his emotions but that's your call. Remember he is only four and he is still learning how to behave and communicate in a social accepted manner. Also try to ask him how it feels when someone hits/pushes to develop his empathy. If your child is NT you won't have to work as hard and as longtime as I had to with mine🙂.. best of luck!

I'm not imagining anything of the sort. I am imagining how the reasonable parent would react in this situation and I think a lot of posters are over-reacting.

Yes, the behaviour clearly needs to be addressed and the OP said she was already doing that. Maybe she needs to strengthen her methods but it would be a lot more help if some of those sitting in their self-satisfied sanctimony could actually suggest some suitable interventions instead.

He really wasn't. The teacher told me that they'd have no previous contact with each other that day, the kids were waiting in line for assembly, she walked past, my DS saw her and tried to get her attention by grabbing her arm. They said it wasn't violent or aggressive but was hard enough to leave a mark. I dont know if he grabbed too hard or maybe pinched or held on for too long.

In the original post

he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quite shocked

I feel like they should have spoken to your child about what he needed however also about how it’s not okay to grab people like that as it can hurt them etc

My son (5) sounds very much like your son (also in Reception). He has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. He is impulsive and sometimes hits (much rarer now). He struggled in nursery / first term of school and was seen as 'naughty' though actually he is very anxious as we later discovered. However, lots of kids in his class have hit on occasion - it can be normal at 4. Less so if it is all the time. My son was more than expected for a typical 4 year old. I do think school are overreacting but I also think they should he considering support that he needs.

@Eshmee thanks for clearing that up. Would like to think it would end some of the wilder speculation but this is MN!

Good advice there from @Maria1979 !

This is a bit of a red flag for me as a teacher. Hitting and such behaviour is common for toddlers but not in Nursery or Reception at this stage of the year.

Christ alive. I can't even with this bullshit.

Yes, but the TA did not say that her arm was grabbed with significant force, or that it was done out of anger, and that he was trying to get her attention.

I for one don't understand why she didn't give him that attention but maybe it's down to inexperience.

Well instead of your red flagging, what should the OP be doing here? Like some constructive?!

Nursery and reception children I've known straight to say excuse me andcwwit. Not just grab at peoole. Yabu.

Reading that just made me wonder about his sensory profile - some kids are “sensory seeking” and have a greater need for certain sensory inputs. My son loves to squeeze my elbow (at times hard!) - I tell him that I understand he really wants/likes to squeeze but I’m not going to let him do that to me and give him a squeezy toy he can use instead. Just in case this might be relevant

Exactly, 4! Old enough to use the bathroom independently, use phonics, use cutlery, ask for a drink, do crafts .... but not put his hand up or wait for an appropriate time to ask a question... Good lord.

Did you get a private adhd dx? Paeds told me my son won’t go on the cahms waiting list until he is 6 and a half (in 2 years) and I know through my job that our waiting list is over four years :(

@Eshmee I bet you're regretting posting on here, I'm sorry OP. I've turned to Mumsnet for advice before with something similar and got absolutely savaged for it. Your little boy sounds fine to me, he's 4! I don't know why people here expect 4 year olds to have complete control over their emotions when many adults don't.

I understand the overwhelming urge to try and find a solution or punishment that will work. It's a horrible feeling when your child is "that child", but what's worked for us is just time, lots of love, modelling behaviour, sticker charts for good behaviour, and calm conversations. If your child is struggling with his emotions and possibly not making connections between his actions and consequences, punishment may not work.

Reminds me of when I was at primary. A teacher walked past me in the playground and I wanted to hold her hand. I grabbed her hand as she went past and she shouted at me 'DON'T PINCH!' and stormed off with a face like thunder. I was only 6. I hadn't got a clue what I had done wrong. All I wanted to do was hold the miserable old trouts hand. How dreadful of me.

it sounds more like he has squeezed hard and dug his nails in,or pinched if he has left a red mark. i work with young children and they take my hand or tap or put their arms round me to get my attention.If je is in reception , he is a lot closer to 5 than 4.Stop minimising!

Thankyou for your lovely advice criticism.
if you read my first reply you will see I actually gave the OP advice to do a Neurodev referral with the school! 🙄

I'm sorry you are getting all this crap and I know how shit it makes you feel as a mum. I posted about a trivial 5 year old demeanour of one of mine on a parenting site, and I actually cried. It was made out as if my child was the devil incarnate. It's 20 years ago and it still stings!

DC was going to hell in a handcart - I was a terrible mother. You know it's a load of shite but it hurts all the same! My child has grown up into a beautiful, successful, kind and decent human being. And it all happened in a flash!

So please, please don't be upset by the nasty judgemental comments! You wouldn't have posted here if you hadn't been concerned. Love your little boy, work with him and support him - he will grow up all too soon! He will move on to the next stage and all this will be history x

I read this -

This is a bit of a red flag for me as a teacher. Hitting and such behaviour is common for toddlers but not in Nursery or Reception at this stage of the year.

I'm not going to comb the thread to read every nugget you posted!!

According to the OP, the TA said none of this, "it sounds more like he has squeezed hard and dug his nails in,or pinched if he has left a red mark" [sic]