To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

[Eshmee]

So my little boy is 4. He's in foundation at school and is the youngest in his year. He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age.

Today when I collected him from school the teacher told me that whilst waiting in line for assembly he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quote shocked so instead of asking him what he needed she ignored him and carried om walking. My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.
When his class teacher was relaying all of this to me she made it sound like a had a violet thug for a son. AIBU to think she's made a big deal out of something small or do I need to crack down much harder on him?
Advice needed for a worried mum :(

@Runnerinthenight

Well we'll have to agree to disagree on that one, won't we dear?

It’s contradictory that you don’t think it was appropriate for a teacher to talk to him after the event as ‘he will have forgotten’ yet you’re punishing him after the event. Taking away snacks seems counter productive too, as if he’s hungry he’s likely to get cross.

Is he in Reception and just about to turn five, or the nursery and just turned four? If it’s the latter it may be worth considering deferring him starting Reception

So judgey - everyone parents differently, and any tech in moderation is fine for a 4 year old (I say this as someone who does not allow my children to game - but that's my personal choice and doesn't make me right or better than other parents who do allow their children to game). In fact gaming at least engages a child's brain actively compared to the passiveness of watching TV.

It's not that common for children to behave like this and especially at this stage in the year. Although it's true that reception children might occasionally lash out of upset, it is unusual for a child to physically grab an adult.

You also need to listen to the adult professionals when they tell you what happened and respect their judgement rather than rush wounded to mumsnet. They have afterall had a few hundred children pass through their care. You will cause huge problems for your son if you question and undermine teachers in front of him.

You could give yourself a break and also listen to the posters giving sensible advice about the punishments not fitting the ‘crime’ and just work with the school and others as you are already doing.
Also over the summer break your son may mature if it is solely a maturity issue, but it may be something that needs more input.

How does DS interact with his brother?

It doesn’t mean you’re a terrible parent if your child is lashing out or being too rough. All it means is that he needs to be: taught, supported, monitored. Of course, limiting screens is a great idea for any child of that age.

I have taught for 22 years and have known lots of children who have done things like this when they were small. They were supported to stop and develop healthier ways of communicating.

If they were ND in some way then that is different but ultimately the goal is exactly the same- hitting, pulling or grabbing is not ok. I doubt if your son really knows or understands why his PS time is being limited; maybe downplay the screens as bargaining tools and give him extra time with you as a reward, if possible, when he shows willing/can action what he has been taught.

Assaulted 😂😂😂😂😂

he's FOUR, he grabbed her arm to get her attention to walk with her.

Give it a break.

I refuse to believe a 4 year old would leave a significant mark unless attacking aggressively.

Me too. Teaching assistant sounds precious. Not in a good way.

I think the first thing is to stop dismissing it as all 4 year olds do that. They don't. Talk to him very seriously about how he is a big boy now and big boys do not hit out, kick or grab. Tell him from now on that if he does that he will be punished and tell him what will happen. It has to be taking away something he cares about. And every time he does it talk to him sternly and make it clear it is not okay.
You do not normally have to be as harsh with children as this, but he has obviously got the impression this behaviour is semi acceptable, so you have to be very clear the rules are changing.

@LateAF

Well if I had a child with some behavioural issues, the PS would be one of the first things to change. Not as a punishment..more to help them with their communication skills.

We will luv. I have a feeling that we might be diammetrically opposed on most things so best if we don't converse.

And this is why I would never work with children these days. Some young children can be stronger than they look. But the parents of these children never believe the harm they can do.

So, his punishments are age appropriate (I hope). He's not allowed to play the play station for a week

Now you're just on a fucking wind up?

Yeah let's blame the "precious" teaching assistant who's working minimum wage supporting your children to help them learn. Who cares if they are punched, grabbed, kicked or slapped whilst doing so 🙄

@AmelieTaylor

But the child assaulting other children by whacking or kicking is ok? Sounds like they're worried about the wider pattern of behaviour so are probably being extra strict on his level of physical touch.

HE IS ONLY 4
ive been a TA, he got excited, forgot her name, cos HES 4, and grabbed her arm.
the TA should have stopped and spoken to him, Jesus Christ, poor kid

TG a bit of sense!

Yes, I agree. And I’m surprised that a TA was shocked. I thought TAs would be well aware that some children in reception would grab someone else’s arms. A small scratch would leave a mark, for crying out loud.

I’ve always been a bit uneasy about attitudes towards (some) young boys’ behaviour to be honest. Hitting and kicking need to be dealt with, yes - but the nasty, sly behaviour that other children exhibit - particularly some girls - often seems to be ignored. When you parent help on trips you can see that it’s always the former that attracts teachers’ attention, because it’s obvious. But the other is going on as well, upsetting other children. Often the hitting or kicking is a response to the nastiness of others.

OP, reinforce the ‘ kind hands’ messages - and I’d rethink the PS. Mine weren’t on it until about 8. I accept it’s not easy if siblings are close in age - mine weren’t.

@Runnerinthenight

"I have a feeling that we might be diammetrically opposed on most things so best if we don't converse."

And for that, I count my lucky stars.

Totally agree.

I don't know what your point is. I wouldn't be letting my four year old have one anyway but any punishment that lasts a week is too much for a four year old.

It's not nice to hear so I feel for u but it's far from normal. My son is nearly 6 and has never, ever been physical with anyone ever his entire life. Hitting should result in consequences from the parent - they need to learn. If they aren't deterred it gets worse. There is a child in my son's year 1 class who only ever has 'gentle chats from mum' and he is a total nightmare now, multiple children are allowed nowhere near him and my son is scared of him.

FWIW I've been a ta and a teacher and have never ever been grabbed or hit by a child.

🙄