To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

[Eshmee]

So my little boy is 4. He's in foundation at school and is the youngest in his year. He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age.

Today when I collected him from school the teacher told me that whilst waiting in line for assembly he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quote shocked so instead of asking him what he needed she ignored him and carried om walking. My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.
When his class teacher was relaying all of this to me she made it sound like a had a violet thug for a son. AIBU to think she's made a big deal out of something small or do I need to crack down much harder on him?
Advice needed for a worried mum :(

I agreed with you until I had a child who has a different cognitive profile to other children. Some children learn to do the things you’ve stated intuitively (I have a child like that too!); for others they can have remarkable strengths in one area and actually really struggle with using cutlery, with managing waiting and with tolerating feelings of frustration. It’s really hard work as a parent and requires extra thinking and planning and considering how to best support the child to develop these skills without being punishing and leaving them feeling like they’re “not good enough” because this stuff doesn’t come easy to them. To have other parents tell you that your child “should” be able to do this stuff - or look at you like you’re a bad parent - makes it all so much harder

Good lord, the child wanted to walk with her in the assembly line! It was a moment of impulse! Children do that sometimes!

Oh for goodness sake. How was he “ physically assaulting “ someone.

Conmon sense has gone out the window these days. He’s four years old. I am a child care professional; if he had done that to me, I would have spoken to him and found out what he wanted but explained we mustn’t grab people.
It’s really not that difficult.

What is really interesting here is that I think some of the responses are written impulsively and without much thought or consideration.
In my opinion these posters are doing (as adults) something very similar to what they are criticising a 4 year old for doing

No the teacher isn't making a big deal about nothing. You say your son has form for hitting and kicking when someone "upsets" or "antagonises" him. That is the definition of violent and aggressive behaviour. Your son hurt a member of staff and it will have been reported in an incident form. This is obviously becoming a pattern of negative behaviour that the school are noticing. The issue is if this isn't nipped in the bud now then he's going to be that child who's still hitting and kicking in year 1, year 2 etc and this issue becomes a much, much bigger issue.

Your post has lots of contradictions, you say he's not violent but then say he hits and kicks, you say he couldn't remember the incident but then was able to tell you exactly why he grabbed her, you say the school are over reacting but then say your punishing him at home etc

But ultimately you know your son, you know how he behaves, school are telling you how he behaves in school.

This likely can be turned around if you work with the school.

Well this post has been totally enlightening and I have learned an awful lot from the response.

I have learned that a 4 year old hitting in frustration or grabbing the arm of an adult he wants to speak to is categorically not normal, but also can be normal.

I have learned that I am a gentle parent who is not reacting to her child's behaviour but that i am also punishing too harshly.

But what I have learned more than anything is that when mums wants genuine advice and possibly a bit of kindness, people are all too happy to mum shame from their ivory towers.

Many of you have posted with some genuinely great advice and support and for that I am grateful. I'm happy to be told if I'm not taking it seriously enough or not addressing it in the right way or I'd not of posted on here asking the question but I honestly didn't expect such rudeness from some people.
For those of you who felt it was appropriate to be unkind, I wish you and your perfect children a very happy life.

My 4 year old boy is still very impulsive. He’s generally okay at pre school but absolutely loses his marbles at home after pre school and can still be violent. I could just see him doing something like this if his internal coke bottle wash shaken up just a bit too much at school and he just couldn’t hold it in any longer. So I think you’ve had a hard time for the actual incident OP.

But your punishments are ridiculous, lazy and ineffective. Spend time modelling with him how to react in scenarios. Give him phrases to say if he’s overwhelmed and needs a release. Talk to him when he’s calm about what’s okay and what isn’t behaviour wise. Removal from situations every single time he is violent with an explanation then move on. Honestly, what on earth is a 4 year old supposed to learn from having ‘treats’ (whatever that means) removed for 7 days?

I am a reception teacher. With 10+ years experience. Grabbing anybody because you want to walk to assembly with them isn’t normal behaviour. All reception children are perfectly capable of walking from their class to the hall without grabbing people. Imagine how difficult it would be if all the class grabbed people we’d never get the children to the hall. The children go to assembly because it is age appropriate to do so.
Your child is about to start year one and is still hitting other children to communicate their needs. This isn’t typical behaviour for their age. This is typical behaviour of a 2 year old. Our nursery children don’t hit out to communicate their needs. It sounds very much like your child has a communication delay. I’m sorry the school haven’t been able to tell you this.

My child does not hit anyone at school and did not at pre-school but there is a wide window of what can be normal behaviour.

Oh this makes me feel sad to read! I have some similar memories

@Worriedmotheroftwo we are realising that my reception is quite anxious too, though he seems quite cheerful outwardly. He bites his nails and is always looking for physical stimulation like chewing on things or tapping things. Have you found any useful ways for helping him?

I was being sarcastic. He’s a child YES so can comprehend right from wrong. It is ok that it was a little after the event.

Grabbing is wrong. You don’t grab anything. Basic manners.

It always was.

this isn’t typical or acceptable behaviour for any age and certainly not 4.

If the teachers are raising concerns there’s something to be concerned about.

Not age appropriate. 4 year olds shouldn’t be anywhere near a PlayStation.

This might explain the issue.

What is he playing and why?

They are making a big deal - but at the same time, it’s a lesson for him - don’t grab! If they make a big deal about it now - less issues for you down the line!

You are totally minimising his behaviour. Not age appropriate to kick or whack others.

I feel sorry for that poor TA.

It’s not normal for a 4 year old to be hitting annd grabbing other people. I presume as he’s at school already he is closer to 5 (probably in the next few months). Its definitely not normal behaviour for 5 year olds. And how could he not remember what happened when the teacher asked him but could suddenly remember hours later when you asked him? 🤔

I’m sorry you had this experience here and I hope you can hold on to some of the comments you found more helpful and take something constructive away from it.
I think within this anonymous forum people can respond impulsively and with less consideration for the feelings of the other person, protect their inadequacies onto another person - or actively try to provoke for whatever reason.
I think what you wrote about feeling shamed is really interesting and so central in how we work through this stuff with children.
How can we teach a child new skills for managing big feelings; help them to tolerate waiting, without shaming them?
As you’ve pointed out here, if this is done in a shaming way all it does is leave the child or adult feeling terrible.
Good luck

It’s normal impulsive 4 yo behaviour. However, it’s also not ok to grab anyone and make a mark (or grab them with no mark), especially at school. Consequences need to be relevant and taking away a play station isn’t really linked. I’d say it would be better for you to help him write a letter of apology (you could do more of the writing if he’s not at that stage and he could draw a picture) and have a good chat about how even adults can be hurt by children if they grab them.

As an aside and I can see others have said this, but a Play Station age 4 isn’t helpful. Unless his older sibling is 14, it’s probably not that helpful for his sibling either.

I do understand that it’s trickier when there are older siblings but at that age it was absolutely no screens other than a bit of CBeebies for my children. Mainly they just played with toys, played in the garden etc.

There seems to be alot of negative comments around the fact my DS is allowed to play on a PlayStation.
A typical day in my house is as follows:
I collect DS1 and DS2 from school. My and my 4 y/o will do something together for an hour or so (play in the garden, play a game etc) until I have to cool dinner. At that point he is allowed to choose what he does. He will either play with his brother or by himself or watch tele. His fave thing to do is play the PlayStation with his brother. These are age appropriate games, disney cars, lego, spiderman etc. He can play until my DH gets home and we all sit and have dinner. We do spellings/reading books etc, bath the kids and go to bed. Is that not pretty normal for a family?
If you guys think that him having limited access to gaming is possibly causing an issue then I'll have to rethink.

I was never going to join anything that may be misconstrued as a pile on. But This, with bells on. At 4, that boy requires normal human interactions daily, not playstation.

100% agreed.

Wow! You asked me to give advice and I told you I already gave some in a previous post! Own the fact that you’ve messed up!

I don't think any under 13s should be playing video games.

@Eshmee The thing with gaming is that age 4 they don’t really know about it, most of their friends won’t talk about it etc so it’s not that hard to not have them. It’s much harder age 8,10,12….

The other issue is that older siblings eventually play games that are maybe not age appropriate for the younger siblings.

We had a Wii that we all played together sometimes but it was seen as a family activity, not a solo or child activity (and the children weren’t that fussed by it). I’m only considering an XBox or PS now my children are much older and probably won’t get one till they’re both over the age of 12.

It doesn’t sound like it’s any sort of real problem in your family tbh but if you can ditch the gaming then why not. Plenty of time for it when they’re older. 4 is so little and he’d be much better just playing, reading, watching CBeebies with you etc.

Also just to add a bit of context, yes he will hit or kick if something bothers him but these are few and far between. He takes his fair share of kicks and punches and doesn't react. He's not a bully. There was an incident a couple of months back where a kid tripped him over DS kicked him. It's things like this, he's not hurting multiple children all the time and for no reason. He's generally regarded as being kind and good and polite. He's not an angel and will react when upset is what I was trying to portray when I said he'd hit before. No more so than the other boys in his class.